Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "Parents do not become guides, they replace the child..."

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan was the live broadcast guest of TRT Haber. Tarhan made remarkable statements on the subject of "Boss Children and Their Effect on the Family" and stated that it is a requirement of the child's age to cause problems. Stating that problem solving is opportunity education and that every problem educates the child like a project, Tarhan said that it is necessary to teach the child to solve the project instead of running away from the problem. Underlining the importance of parental attitude in this process, Tarhan expressed that "Instead of being a guide, parents take their children’s place ..."

It is a requirement of that age that the child causes problems...

President of Üsküdar University, psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan drew attention to the importance of establishing a healthy communication with adolescent children and what parents should pay attention to in this regard. Tarhan expressed that "This is a very important question for parents whose children enter puberty in early adolescence. Especially with adolescence, child relations, which are very harmonious until that age, are a period of searching for an identity, a period of searching and finding their own identity. 'Who am I? Where should I belong? Why?', and here their family is no longer their only point of reference. In other circles, friends, society, especially social media become their new references. In such cases, the child questions. Early adolescence, even children over the age of 10, learn life by causing problems. In other words, it is a requirement of that age for them to cause problems. An angelic child who does not cause problems is not a healthy child. These children will question the mother, the father, the society. There will be a protest because it is the child's age to gang up. Then children will find the truth from their point of view. They will create their own truths. In other words, this is how the child forms their own identity, personality, personality. In such a period, parents may have attitude mistakes. For example, parents do not realize that the child has entered puberty. They are still trying to think of the kid the same way they did in elementary school. They see their child as their own limb. You know, the child is our child and does not belong to us. Without realizing it, the child is being over-controlled.”

"We used to call it helicopter parents, now we call it drones"

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that when the child has a problem, parents should first question themselves instead of judging the child immediately. Tarhan stated that "Before, we used to call it helicopter parents. Now we call it drones. It is a type of parenting that constantly invades the child and overly controls. The child goes into the bathroom, and then the parent bangs on the door and asks what you are doing. When controlling the child happens to this extend, the child feels like being in prison. It feels like the child is in a golden cage. The house feels like a refuge for them and begins to object. Children feel like they have been ignored. For a child, for a young person, their greatest need is to be treated as a person. Their greatest need is to be valued. Therefore, when there are problems, there is an announcement made on the plane for the parents. They should use the same problem-solving method. In that announcement, it says, 'Put the oxygen mask on yourself first.' That should have been the first reaction to the crisis on that plane. The oxygen mask method here is the same thing. When a child causes problems, instead of judging and blaming the child, the parent should first ask in such a situation, 'What is the reason for this behavior? Which attitude of mine can lead to this behavior positively or negatively?'"

Early puberty increased!

Drawing attention to the fact that attitudes that push the child to mental stimulation earlier than his age initiate adolescence in the child, Tarhan said that "Early puberty has increased. It begins earlier than the period it normally begins. Globally, there are publications about it. The child enters puberty at the age of 9-10 years. Normally, puberty begins around the age of 12. The first signs of puberty begin between 12-15. The early onset of puberty occurs for two reasons. The first is obesity. In other words, if the child is obese, the body thinks that it has grown when it is too obese. The brain says you have gone through puberty, you have grown up, and the brain gives a false alarm. Sex hormones begin to secrete. Obese children enter puberty early. That is, children who are overweight than they should be. The second is excessive sexual arousal. In other words, if the child encounters sexual stimulation that does not comply with their age, if they have curiosity about that subject, they start to emulate... For example, putting on makeup and so on... The child has the desire to grow up. Children want to grow up. Old people also want to be young. So, it is a general tendency. It is our biological nature. While children want this, attention should be paid to the attitudes of parents who set the wrong example for them and perceive their growth as growing up with physical appearance rather than maturation. Global influences in the media push the child to mental stimulation and sexual stimulation earlier than their age and can initiate early puberty."

It is necessary to understand the child before saying no

Pointing out that instead of trying to correct the child, it is necessary to walk together on the path of life, Tarhan expressed that "You have to understand the child before you say no. In childhood, especially for adolescence, schools of psychology call it the normal schizophrenic period. In other words, if a 30-40-year-old person does the behaviors that that child or young person does, you will be diagnosed with schizophrenia. Sudden outbursts that do not correspond to their age, sudden anger, inconsistent inappropriate laughter, inappropriate behavior, inappropriate jokes, these are things that can happen in adolescence. In such a case, the parents think, 'Oh, our child has gone out of hand,' and they overdo it. This time, a conflictual communication appears. In such a case, it is important to understand the child, to take time to listen to the child. The most common mistake parents make is that in such cases, they immediately give conferences and preaches. They are trying to correct the child. However, instead of taking the child in front of us and correcting hem, it is necessary to take the child with us and walk together on the path of life. If a person becomes a companion on the path of life, one goes on a long journey, but what does a person do with their companion? They complement each other, they speak. Ali has a very beautiful saying, 'Play with your children until they are five years old. Make friends with them until they are 15 years old. Consult after the age of 15.' Now it is necessary to lower the age of 15. When you ask the children, ‘What is your opinion on this?’, that child already has a sense of belonging at home. The child feels valued and learns about life by talking in such situations."

Instead of being a guide, parents take their place...

Underlining that it is necessary to set an example instead of giving advice to the child, Tarhan said that "The child's greatest need is to guide them. There is a need to be a guide. Parents also take the place of the guide instead of being the guide. They are doing what they are supposed to do. They behave overly controlled. It is necessary to say no to children with their reasons. If one says no without justification, the child perceives it as an unfair attack. This time, they respond. For example, you will say to the child, wear this t-shirt, they wear it, the child appeals to prove themselves. They say no. You will offer five T-shirts. Which one do you want, you will ask the child. You will offer an alternative. One of them will be more appealing. The child will choose it. Parents will not lose control either. The child will also satisfy their sense of self-confidence because I did it. Instead of giving orders, it is necessary to offer options. We also give a lot of advice, it is our culture. Instead of giving advice, it is necessary to set an example."

"Every problem educates the child like a project"

Pointing out that it is very important for parents to use the common language, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan mentioned that it is necessary to teach the child to solve the problem instead of running away. Tarhan stated that "The child is exposed to more information than the child 20-30 years ago. There is a lot more social contact. There is virtual contact. In such a situation, the child is forcing the parents. What do parents do with the way they learned from their own parents because the children are pushing? They approach the child with authority, saying, 'That is how I saw it from my parents.' In other words, instead of approaching with authority, if the child says no to the reasons for life and goes by explaining the pros and cons of life, the child will both understand that he is valued and learn about life in such a situation. There is a slogan for that. Love, cherish, share... For this age group. We are going to let it be known that we love it. We will make it clear that we care, but not just in words. If the effort does not complete the promise, the child will not believe. To make friends with the child, to play together, to travel together, to chat together, to spend time with the child. When we look at the children who grew up healthy, there were children who spent time with their families like this. There were also children with whom the parents used a common language, where there was not much incompatibility between husband and wife. If the parents use a common language, the child tries to express the language difference between the two. They do not do it on purpose, but unknowingly. Therefore, parents should use a common language in such a case. Only parents can think differently, but parents will form a horizontal coalition. They will approach the problem together. If there are children, children will form a horizontal coalition. If a vertical coalition is established where the mother chooses child, or the father chooses the child, there will be no peace. In other words, with the horizontal coalition, it is absolutely necessary for the parents to say, 'What should we do for the child? How can we solve this problem of the child?' and it takes a mental effort. The child learns life very well in such situations. One learns to solve problems. Problem-solving is opportunity education. Every problem educates the child like a project. Therefore, let's teach the child to solve the problem instead of running away from it."

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)