Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "Children were left without a compass"

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan made remarkable evaluations in the "Bilmedikleriniz” (What You Do Not Know) program broadcast on TGRT News. Underlining that values and culture are no longer taught by families, but by social media, Tarhan emphasized that children have lost their compass. Emphasizing that children should be taught abstract values, Tarhan stated that "To be a good person, to keep your word, to respect the rights of others… Previously, these were culturally and automatically learned. Families taught these values. Now, the children are completely left without a compass when the parents do not teach."

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan made evaluations about today's parent-child relationships.

We have evolved from a patriarchal family to a child-oriented family...

Stating that social norms are like an inner fortress for the family on the live broadcast program of TGRT Haber, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that social norms weaken with the use of smartphones. Tarhan stated that "With the 21st century, many truths and rules have changed. Families who cannot adapt to this new situation and try to give old answers to old questions cannot adapt to this situation. Former parenthood practices and current parenthood practices do not fit together very much. In the past, there were rules of a house and a family. There were social norms, there were societal norms. One was protective of the family, and there were various values related to the family. These protected the family. Now these values and social norms have changed. Social norms protected the family like an inner fortress. These were traditions, customs, and various cultural values in society. This is also currently weakened. The media has a very serious influence here. Previously, a mother and father were the ones doing the cultural transfer. Now the media is doing the transfer of culture. While we used to see the family as an inner castle, now we cannot see it as an inner castle, the walls have collapsed. Smartphones are the open door of the family. Because of this, children are exposed to a lot. They are exposed to very different ideas, truths that are not appropriate for their age. Mothers and fathers were having a hard time managing it, and culturally, past generations were maturing in difficulties. New generations must mature in abundance. They have it easier, and they have more things. They have more opportunities. It is harder to mature in abundance and manage it. A father and mother give love to children for two or three people with good intentions. It is the most common situation. When two or three people give love, children think they are at the center of the world. We have evolved from a patriarchal and matriarchal family to a child-oriented family. In other words, in such a case, the boss of the house is the child and the leader of the house is the child. In other words, it works with a focus on the child."

We are raising our children without purpose!

Stating that families give priority to teaching concrete values while raising their children, Tarhan emphasized that the main thing is to teach abstract values. Tarhan stated that "Parenthood does not mean making your child happy. It is thought of as the child's momentary happiness. However, we need to set a goal for the child to be happy in three years, five years, ten years later, that is, in the future, the child will be tired, sweat and make an effort. We raise our children without purpose. We do not teach children the ego ideal. This ego ideal is not whether you or your children have a house, a car... We need to give you an ego ideal for what kind of person you want to be in life. We need to teach abstract values. To be a good person, to keep one's word, to respect the rights of others. As it is how apartments in a building have boundaries. There are also limits in social human relationships. For example, altruism, sharing, benevolence, these were culturally automatically learned. Families were teaching, and now when families do not teach, children are left completely without a compass. Therefore, it is wrong to put all the blame on the youth.”

Is social media a threat?

Stating that the upbringing environment of families with common values and common goals is healthier, Tarhan stated that social media is both an opportunity and a threat. Tarhan stated that "There are oppressive, over oppressive, authoritarian families. The boy goes to the opposite corner. The opposite of your parents is happening. Or, due to the practice of parenthood that allows everything, parents see social media as a threat, but it should not be seen. Social media has a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension. Social media, or technology is neutral. There is a study conducted by the University of Nebraska in the USA. In this study, three common characteristics were identified in peaceful families that raise good children. The first is families who love to spend time with children. Second, husbands and wives are said to be gracious families to each other, speaking with compliments. In the third, it was seen that there were families who went to church together. So, what does that actually indicate? In families with common values and common goals, children grow up healthier. If there is a conflict between the parents, the child sometimes manipulates the mother, sometimes the father, and conflict occurs according to their own interests. They manipulate very easily."

The child is prone to being narcissistic by nature...

Stating that narcissism is inherent in children, Tarhan emphasized the importance of teaching children to share. Tarhan expressed that "In single-parent families, the mother is self-sacrificing. The mother is trying to be a father, and that sacrifice makes the child self-centered. Childhood narcissism is formed. In other words, the child is already prone to being narcissistic by nature. It is called Primary narcissism; it is referred to babies. The world revolves around themselves. As children grow, they invest their love in their family. They make it in their mother. They make their love investment in society, and they learn to share. If we do not teach the child to share, they will want to take everything from a young age. At a young age, they want the toy car. When they grow up, they want the small car or the big car. For this reason, the child sees the mother and father as a fruit tree and shakes them off. To prevent this, education starts from a young age. If the house is a peaceful environment, a warm environment, social media does not harm."

It is necessary to be a companion for the child...

Stating that families should explain their mistakes to their children with their reasons, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan mentioned that self-confidence is an important factor in children. Tarhan stated that "If there is a loud voice in the house, if there is violence, if the parents have difficulty coming home, or if there are single-parent families, in such cases, we usually do this with good intentions without realizing it, and we want to take the child in front of us and correct them. However, but it should be taking our child with us and walking together…In other words, when we take it and try to shape it like a dough, to shape it like a sculpture, there is a lot of autonomy in children currently. Because with the influence of social media, the child says no to parents very easily from a young age. In such cases, it is necessary to explain the mistakes of this to the child along with the reasons. When we approach the child with pressure, threats, and intimidation, children perceive it as an unfair attack on themselves in such situations and opposes it. If they are children with high self-confidence, they are violent towards their parents, hit them and throws them, break the television, break the remote control. If their self-esteem is low, they are oppresed. In adolescence, they begin to run away from home. If there is something that your parents love very important, it is the opposite. For example, if family is success-oriented, the child is lazy. In other words, the family is neat, and the child becomes messy. In a way, the child takes revenge on their parents. To prevent this, it is necessary not to take the child in front of us and correct them, but to walk with them, that is, to be like a companion. What is in companionship? Two people try to complement each other. They do not try to fix each other. A mother corrects the child, and the child corrects the mother. In other words, mother- child, or father-child wars begin."

The child acts according to the attitude of the parents...

Talking about the reasons why families who have children between the ages of 12-19 apply to psychiatrists, Tarhan said that "The child does not want to go to school and refuses it. Another complaint says the child runs away from home. They say he is gambling. The child immerses themselves in various games for hours. They do not come home with friends. In fact, it is shaped by the attitude of the parents. It makes the parents very angry, and it make them yell. After that, he blames the mother and blames the father, saying that you are always shouting like this. The child makes you angry and makes you scream. The child is engaged in serious emotional exploitation. They do this without realizing it. The mother loses the leadership over the child, and the child becomes the leader. Let's say the mother or father did everything the child said until that age, until the age of 12. At the age of 12, we tell the child, 'You have grown up, do not act like this anymore.' They are gone, and it is too late. You cannot suddenly slow down a car that goes with one hundred and fifty to seventy eighty. In that case, you will now try to persuade with your reasons. If you cannot, then you are going to get help.”

The child feels himself as a separate individual

Stating that children start to individualize after the age of 10, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "We show affection to our child as calling them ‘mommy’, but it is wrong. Because the child is a separate person. They like it if they are younger than 10 years old, 7-8 years old. However, after that, the child is now a separate person, after the age of 10, individuation begins. The child feels the need to say that I am a separate individual, not my mother. When they say I am a separate individual, when mother call their child mommy, they say you are like my limb, they say you are like my arm. How does a person treat a limb? The child does not want to be like that. Children are separate individuals. In other words, the child is our child, but it does not belong to us. A separate individual. When we do not give that feature, the child begins to polarize with the mother. To avoid polarization, it is necessary to leave them their own free space. Unless they made a big mistake, such as lying, using drugs, running away from home, they should not be corrected. The child learns some things by experiencing. That is why we need to give them the right to make mistakes so that they can learn about life. We have a duty of warning. We will serve as a warning, but they will experience the consequences, pay a price, and learn. As parents, we want to be with you all the time. There you will now be like a guide. So, you are the captain, but we are trying to manage the child's life. Before the age of 10, children likes it, but after the age of 10, since children enter adolescence, they ask questions about who I am and where I should go, and they start to become individual."

Let's see the negative, but let's not despair

Stating that family problems exist around the world, Tarhan mentioned that we should not see the negativity and fall into despair. Tarhan stated that “There is a serious fire in families. It exists in Türkiye, and it exists in the world. Marital divorce is over 50%. In other words, anti-marriage movements have multiplied very rapidly because one cannot invest in an institution that is not successful in the world. There are currently over 50% of children born out of wedlock in Europe. We have 2%, that is nine-tenth. 56-59% in Europe, 69% in Iceland. There are such figures. That is why there is a situation in Türkiye that goes beyond these families. In other words, it is very nice to build roads, factories or bridges here, but it is not important to raise families and people. There is a Chinese proverb saying, 'If you want one-year crop, plant wheat. If you want 10-year crops, plant trees. If you want 100-year crops, raise people." In other words, raising a good person is not less important than being a good manufacturer. Therefore, one needs to invest in it. Policies also need to be adjusted accordingly. So, let's see the negative, but let's not despair. Let’s not accept what is wrong and learned helplessness, there are remedies. Because we see that many families who come like this later recover. So, let's never be pessimistic. Life events and crises can sometimes lead to new births and new developments."

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)