Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "Now our homes are open to unwelcome guests and ideas"

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan was the guest of the "My Strong Family with Values" program organized by the Aksaray Provincial Mufti. At the meeting held online with the participation of the staff of the Mufti's Office, Tarhan shared about the "Values that Keep the Family Alive" and discussed the family from different perspectives. Tarhan said that the facts about the family have changed today, and that the transfer of culture is no longer done by families, but by the media. Emphasizing that our homes have become open to unwelcome guests and ideas today, Tarhan drew attention to the importance of parents being role models for children.

Tarhan participated online in the program, where the mufti staff who read Prof. Nevzat Tarhan's books ' Son Sığınak Aile (The Last Refuge Family) and Conscious Family' came together in the conference hall of the Aksaray Provincial Mufti's Office. The interest of the Mufti staff in the program was intense.

Now intruders and ideas enter homes...

Pointing out that cultural traditions, customs, and teachings protect the family, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that technological developments harm cultural values. Tarhan stated that "The reason I call family the last refuge is because of the way the world is going right now. There are trends and pioneers in the world, which show where the world is headed. There are values, social norms, family norms, and moral norms that protect the family. Social norms that protect the family have become more and more evident as we enter this age of communication, and the world has become a global village. Under the influence of this, social rules, social norms, traditions that protect the family, customs and traditions have weakened today. When this weakened, the norms that protected the family were occupied, the outer castle was the neighborhood, the inner castle was the city culture, it was our traditions, it was Anatolian culture, it was the teachings that had come for centuries... With the advent of the internet in 1993, the world now has access to everything. First, televisions in the house, then smartphones, became the open door of the house. Since the house has an open door, many uninvited guests and uninvited ideas enter the house. The house was actually a sanctuary of ours, our home was our family sanctuary..."

Culture is no longer transmitted by the family, but by the media...

Stating that today, the transfer of culture is done by the media instead of the family, Tarhan emphasized the importance of the family as a safe space for children. Tarhan stated that "The pace of divorce has increased. According to Turkish statistics, the divorce rate in the first 5 years is 38 percent. In any case, new generations do not want to get married. In Türkiye, the family is the one who transmits culture, but at the moment, the family is not conveyed by culture, but by the media. If the family is not preserved in such a situation, there will be only one popular culture in the world and transform all cultures in the future. Against this situation, it is necessary to emphasize the perception that the family is a refuge for the family. Scientifically, if the family is a safe space, the child grows up healthy. The child feels safe and when they start life, and they can become an entrepreneur and start learning. If the family is not a safe space, the child cannot grow up peaceful, happy and healthy. If you can feel safe and comfortable when you come home, that is, house is home. Otherwise, it cannot be a home, and it is just like a hotel."

"Let's start fixing the world by fixing ourselves..."

Mentioning that children first take their families as an example, Tarhan said that "If the family is warm, the child does not fall or stay in the family... Child takes the mother and father and the relationship between them as an example. If these three examples are good, that child returns to the right path even if the child is involved in a mistake in the media, social media, computers, or the street. Therefore, let's not be hopeless, and let's not be pessimistic, but everyone should correct themselves here. Let's not expect everything from the state, politics, leaders, religious elders and opinion leaders. Everyone should try to keep their space clean, because we are in such a time. For this reason, we must start from our own inner world, from our family. Starting from our own inner world, first from the inner eye on our own journey of inner discovery, and then you look at our outer world by beautifying it, it becomes beautiful in the child, it becomes beautiful in the family, and the relations within the family become beautiful. Let's start fixing the world from ourselves."

"We will first target the good, the true, the beautiful..."

Mentioning that individuals have free will to choose the good, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that individuals should first target the good. Tarhan said that "There are two parts to a person: the good part and the bad part. Whichever part we nurture and grow, that part dominates our personality. The good part of us is the soul that we understand from the examples in the life of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) in our culture, place and religion, and the soul we understand from Sufism. On one side is the nafs, and on the other side is the heart and soul. The mind chooses between the two. Good and bad, right and wrong, safe and unsafe, useful and useless, profitable and harmful decisions make these decisions. What we are just doing is making those decisions every minute. After that, Allah gives us His energy in the name of Almighty and makes us do it. If we choose well, it makes it do well, if we choose it badly, it makes it do badly. That's why we have a free will to choose the right and beautiful, this is a fact brought by neuroscience. There is an ability to choose in the human brain. After that, it is no longer under the control of man, except for choosing. When we think from this perspective, we will choose what is good in our inner world. To choose the good in our own inner world, we will aim for ourselves the good, the right and the beautiful. We will target the good, the right and the beautiful first."

"A person who governs themselves, wins their future..."

First of all, Tarhan mentioned that it is important for people to win over themselves, and Tarhan stated that "You are going to set goals, and you should wait for input control and output control. In other words, you will be rich in love and rich in knowledge in the inner world. You should enrich your inner world, and you should make your inner world beautiful. You will spend it on the spot and on time. You will multiply the input first, which is very important in the first 15 years. We plant them in the developing soul of more children. Therefore, if we correct ourselves, be sure that social media cannot do anything. That's why it is called neuro leadership first, a person who is not a leader of their own cannot be the leader or head of a family. They cannot be a mother, a father, a leader of a company, or a leader of a society. In fact, one will be their own leader first. That's why I say this to young people, ‘Win the first victory against yourself, and manage your seductive, deceitful, misleading, time-managing, hasty, impatient aspects. A person who governs themselves wins their future. The past is accumulation in our lives, the past is capital, today is a gift to us, and tomorrow is an investment. According to the logic of resource management, the future is investment, but for the investment to happen, you will first have strategic goals. What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to be remembered when you come to the end of your life? Will you have a lot of negative points or a lot of positive points on the way to life? Every minute, every second in life is written, everything is planned..."

"If you are married, you should not think as one..."

Underlining that we are the ones in marriage, Tarhan said that "There are sub-dimensions of the marriage scale: personality compatibility, biological adjustment, sexuality, economic adjustment, social position and statue compatibility... It is said that the more equal they are, the more compatible they are, the more ready they are for marriage. Some people who are going to get married have prolonged puberty. It is especially common in men. Some men get married but are still teenagers. One says that I am married and live according to my opinions. This does not happen, if you want to live according to your head, you will not get married, if you are married, you will no longer think for one, you will think for two. You will not look with two eyes, you will look with four eyes, you will not listen with two ears, you will listen with four ears. It will be us instead of me in the marriage."

"The facts about the family have changed a lot"

Referring to the transfer of love thanks to mirror neurons, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan mentioned that the concepts related to the family were also re-investigated for this reason. Tarhan stated that "There are emotional mirror neurons in the human brain. The mirror neurons in the brains of the two parties speak. If one feels something with strong emotions, it is reflected in the other party's brain. Just as the arm area of the other party in the brain lifts when we raise our arm, the emotional regions of the other party are also activated. On top of that, love can be transferred, that is, love can be emotionally transferred. Love and sincerity can be transferred. In this way, many concepts related to the family began to be rewritten, saying that the relationship between mother and child can be like this. Because of this, our truths about the family have changed a lot. We now need to give new answers to old questions."

"If there is no problem in a marriage, it is a problem..."

Stating that if there is conflict instead of miscommunication in marriages, there is hope in that marriage, Tarhan said that "If there is no problem in a marriage, this is also a problem. There are three types of communication. One is healthy communication, the second is conflictual communication, and the third is non-communication. The worst of these is miscommunication. If there is no talk in a house, that house is playing for extension. It is more dangerous. If there is conflict, both sides have hope of fixing things. If there is conflict, you will change the method of conflict, the way you handle things. If you cannot change the flow, you are going to change the look. Men think result-oriented, and women think process-oriented. They both have good intentions trying to change things. There is love, but they have not developed a method. In such a situation, the side that says, 'Stop, think, reevaluate,' will take the leadership and psychological superiority.".

"Their questions and criticisms are gifts for us..."

Stating that individuals who do not have marriage maturity should not consider marriage, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "When a person enters a marriage, if a person says that if it does not happen, they cannot do it, if not, they will leave. They should not enter that marriage at all. That person has no marital maturity. We say to young people, keep your eyes open before you get married, and open your eyes after you get married. Do not see each other's fault anymore after marriage. That is now the approach in marriage. People who provide family counseling and relationship counseling may have shortcomings and flaws. Sometimes I come across patients who come to us, there are patients who want to make us angry, saying that you are already angry like this, and want to turn a corner. When such a person comes, there is a way to persuade even that person. And finally, when we leave, we say, 'Did we agree with you that we did not agree on anything?' Suddenly, the other party freezes and comes to the next session, saying that this understands me. Therefore, they will ask the questions, let them ask, and we will do the right things. Their questions and criticisms are a gift for us."

"It is a must to establish a relationship of trust between the child and the mother!"

Tarhan, who also made evaluations on the issue of women's working life in terms of family, stated that "Women have to work today. There is no substitute for motherhood between the ages of 0-3. The lucky part of us is that there are grandmothers and grandmothers in our culture, they compensate for this 0–3-year-old. If the mother must work, the person who will be the caregiver when her baby is between the ages of 0-3 should be a determined, consistent and continuous caregiver. When there are caregivers who change every day, the child does not develop a basic sense of trust. If the mother between the ages of 0-3 is working, she comes with gifts in her arms in the evening with a sense of guilt. The child no longer looks at the mother but begins to look at her hand. This is a false reward system. It is imperative to establish a relationship of trust between the child and the mother. If the mother is going to be with the child, we call it a qualified relationship. If there is no qualified relationship, if the mother does not take care of her child, there will be emotional neglect."

"A child looks up to whomever they have the warmest relationship with..."

Pointing out that children take their parents as role models, Tarhan said that "In adolescence, the child begins to question the mother and father. The child gravitates towards whoever they love. The child's walking is to walk towards whoever they like the most when they begin to walk their first steps. If the child loves the mother, the role model is the mother, and if the childloves the father, the father is the role model. Here this is also a measure, the child takes them as a model. The child takes the most people as a model for whom they have a warm relationship. The ideal child will take it from the mother, the child will take it from the father and will take it from the society. The child will take it from the environment and will form their own personality, like a bee. A bee travels 400 flowers a day and makes its own honey, the same way for children..."

"A person who uses violence as a method of solving problems belongs to the Middle Ages..."

Drawing attention to the arguments between spouses, Tarhan stated that those who apply violence, threats and fear remain in the past ages. Tarhan expressed that "A person who uses violence as a method of solving problems at this time belongs to the Middle Ages. It does not matter if it is a man or a woman. Anyone who uses violence, threats and fear as a method of solving problems belongs to the Middle Ages. These are not the truths of the age. We live in the information age, and in this age, there are methods of persuasion and persuasion. Men and women will think about how to persuade them with their justifications about what is right and wrong."
 

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)