In the family, new answers to old questions...

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan participated in the interview titled "New Truths in the Family" organized by ASFA Educational Institutions. Emphasizing the importance of the family being honest and positive in children's learning, Prof. Tarhan said that children need discipline with love in them. Pointing out that the biggest inheritance to be taken from the family is psychological and social capital, Tarhan stated that children should be raised according to this age. Stating that there should be new answers to old questions, Tarhan stated that "We raise our child not according to this age; however, according to the past. Thus, there is a gap between us and the child."

Educators and parents showed great interest in the meeting organized by ASFA Educational Institutions at Bağlarbaşı Cultural Center.

"People learn everything through sociability"

Pointing out that the social environment is the best place to learn, President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan expressed that "Family actually means the raising an individual. It requires an ecosystem. Just as bees are an ecosystem, everything in nature is an ecosystem. If one is missing, the balance is disturbed. For instance, the world would become a desert fifty years later if the bees disappeared. After fifty years, the wind would be not enough, and the world would become a desert when there are no bees but what happens when man disappears from the world? Fifty years later, the world is greener because man does not belong to this world. As one philosopher said, "Man has been thrown into the world, man has been abandoned.” Man came from outsid and is not a product of the world. Human existence cannot even be explained by evolution. A human child is born differently from an animal child. The human child is born psychologically prematurely, but the animal child, for example, a duck hatches an egg and then swims immediately. On the other hand, the human child can only stand up after a year. People learn everything through sociability. A human child learns in a social environment. The social environment is the best place to learn, and the smallest ecosystem is the family."

"Investment in the family is a medium-term and long-term investment"

Emphasizing that the family should be a safe space for the child, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan underlined that leaving the child without a family is child neglect. Tarhan stated that "A child grows up in a safe environment. A family occurs in a safe environment. The family needs to be a safe space. In the child’s family, the child looks up to three things: the mother, the father, and the relationship between the parents. Basic learning starts with the mother, and other form of learning happens when a child goes to kindergarten, when a child starts to socialize. Can you imagine that more than 50% of the cell development in the brain of children is between the ages of 0-3? The child pours water, and we say, 'What a naughty kid.' In fact, that child is exercising the development of their muscles against gravity. The child learns everything later. In this case, leaving the child without a family, without a mother and father is child neglect and child abuse. It is physical abuse, and it is physical neglect... Thus, an investment in the family is a medium-term and long-term investment."

"Children need to learn the balance of freedom and responsibility"

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the aim of raising a good child is not to make the child happy, but to prepare them for life. Tarhan said that the era of "children do not talk, only adults talk” is not valid anymore. After the age of 10, it is very difficult, before the age of 10, it is easy because until the age of 10, the child is dependent on the mother and father. In such a case, a child will use their parents in such a way if the parents have lost the leadership of the house, if the child has become the leader of the house, the little ruler, the little prince/princess. For example, sometimes there are some children suffering from diseases or autistic children. The mother lost her leadership to the child, and the child became the boss at home... The mother says, "We did everything he said because he was sick." If you want to raise a good child, the goal is not to make the child happy, but to prepare the child for life. Life gives its reward to those who endure. For this reason, children need to be taught resilience training and the ability to delay gratification to develop a sense of responsibility. The child needs to learn the balance of freedom and responsibility. The child will be free and belong at the same time. The child needs the guidance of the parents to achieve this balance."

"The child needs discipline with love in it"

Mentioning that teaching children their responsibilities is through opportunity training, Tarhan said that "When the child learns, the child learns with the reward system in the brain. If the reward system is activated, the brain writes it into chemical permanent memory. The information that the child does not believe or like disappears immediately as if it were written in the sand; however, the information the child believes is permanent because it is written in chemical letters in the brain. When we say a fun TV series or movie, that is, when the child and the mother play, they learn by experiencing during childhood during the game. We cannot fix the child by preaching for an hour, giving lectures, giving life lessons, or turning breakfast into a conference every morning. The child does the opposite to annoy the mother. The child pretends to read a book, takes the cell phone in it, and the mother thinks they are studying. On the contrary, one will have reverse identity. That's why the child needs discipline that has love in it, and if you overwhelm the child too much, the child will run away. If you leave the child too loose, the child will run away. It is like holding a soap. That is why we are going to do it with sweet discipline. How do we give responsibility? The child is taught responsibility starting from the preschool period when the child begins to walk. Let's say the child needs to tidy up their bed. The child says, 'I'm sick of you.' And tidies up the bed when the child says it. I say this for under the age of ten. Instead of saying that, one should say, 'Look, my child, I need you. I cannot keep up all of these on my own, let's make this bed.' This activates two situations in the reward system in children’s brain. The first is to be with the mother and feel that they are part of the house. These two rewards activate the reward system in the child's brain and the child begins to make their own bed. After a while, the child says, 'Mom, I have made my bed.' Here there is responsibility. Teaching responsibility to children is done through opportunity training."

How do we make the house a home, a refuge?

Pointing out that it is important to be positive in interpersonal communication, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that good, correct, and beautiful behaviors should be increased in to fight evil and correct the child. Tarhan said that "Parents should be the learning organization in the family. In the patriarchal family, the father knows everything. Everyone obeys him, but the child who grows up in such a family tries to leave the house at the first opportunity and wants to marry the first person she fell in love with. She falls in love with the one who shows interest. Then, daughters make wrong marriages. Boys also say that they will study outside of İstanbul. In fact, we see it as running away from home, and it is not about İstanbul. How do smart parents make the house a warm atmosphere? We need to focus on 'How do we make the house a home, a refuge?' When you do something negative, the way to correct the negative is to increase the positive. The way to combat darkness is to light a candle. If we want to fight evil and correct their children in the same family, we will increase our good, right and beautiful behaviors. When we increase this, the child grows and develops in the warm atmosphere created at home. That is why we say here that do not interfere with the three things of the child: their privacy, flaw, and sacred. You cannot communicate when you start from their sacred, privacy and flaw. That's why we will respect their privacy in communication, we will communicate positively."

"You do not go against a teenager"

Drawing attention to the need to establish a positive relationship with adolescents, Tarhan stated that adolescents engage in ego wars with their parents. Tarhan stated that "You should not approach the adolescent from a negative point of view. You should relate to the adolescent from a positive aspect. When a teenager embarks on such a life journey, when you are correcting their mistakes and flaws, adolescents, especially at this time, enter into ego battles with their parents. What I say against what you say… My power or your power... The teenager is taking precautions against their own identity. After the age of 10-12, parents are in the second place and friends become in the first place because the hormonal balance in the body is in this way. A sense of autonomy will develop in the child so that the child becomes the captain of their own ship. Parents need to give them the opportunity. The mother and the father need to teach them how to captain the ship of life. When the parents do not teach them, the child becomes an adolescent, this time with a sense of autonomy. If the mother says a, the child says b. There is a counterpart to this that has entered the books. A disorder called 'Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)'... A child who opposes everything occurs. Whatever the mother says, the child does the opposite. When these children grow up, they become a crime machine. These children are being followed, they are being anti-social, they are involved in crime... Smart kids, resourceful kids, but they are the opposite of society, and they are called anti-social. They enjoy doing anti-social action. They take pleasure in killing someone, beating someone... They have traumas in childhood. They are children who have always been raised with childhood abuse, physical and emotional abuse. These are children who have been raised without love, discipline, and fear when they enter adolescence after a while. They enjoy tormenting someone else. For example, just as he used to tie a tin to the cat's tail at a young age and enjoy it, now one takes a pistol with a rubber bullet in his hand, throws it, shoots it, makes a lady passing by scream, and that child enjoys it. Such a child emerges. That's why you do not go against adolescents.”

It is necessary to teach the reward-punishment system to work...

Noting that the reward system works with internal and external motivation, Tarhan said that "Some working moms always come with gifts. After a while, the child does not look at their mother, but looks at her hand. What is meant by reward here is to activate the reward center directly. Sometimes a smile, a nod, a high-five. These are consent behaviors. It is necessary to get used to them such as words of appreciation, approval, praise. When we say punishment, it is enough as a punishment for the face of the mother and father to fall and suddenly change the face. If you have raised a child well, the child will feel guilty when he sees the mother and father sad. Nothing else is needed. It is necessary to teach the reward-punishment system in the brain to work. Saying, 'If you do this, I will give you this, if you do this, I will give you that.' If you do this all the time, what you say will happen. What happens to the child this time? The child does everything in exchange for something. In other words, the child becomes a child who thinks about his interest. The reward system works in two ways: internal motivation and external motivation. The gifts received are external motivation. Internal motivation activates the reward system in the brain. What is internal motivation? For example, the mother and child tidied up the bed. The child said that he succeeded in the job, he was happy and happy to spend time with the mother. The happiness of success, the feeling of success in the child, the feeling of reward, is more valuable than money."

"It is necessary to offer options instead of being imperious"

Talking about peer bullying, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan reminded that families should protect their children without making them feel, from afar. Tarhan said that "Peer bullying usually occurs over the age of fifteen. Most bullying happens because of friendships with the opposite sex. So, let's leave it at that, unless we make a big mistake, unless the child makes a mistake such as drugs, lies, running away from home, let them be. Let’s not interfere with what kind of pants he should wear or not. Parents, do your duty of warning. If this continues, let them pay a price and learn. The child will learn by living, but we will protect them without making them feel, from afar. If it happens that way, that child will think I did it. In fact, the child asks for a t-shirt and pins it because they want it. If the mother comment on it, the child learns to be stubborn. However, the mother takes out five or six T-shirts and makes one more attractive. The child chooses and says 'I chose it.' The child satisfies the sense of autonomy. Parents also do not lose control. Therefore, it is necessary to give them a choice instead of approaching them imperiously. Instead of giving orders, it is necessary to set an example. When we do this, that child learns about life, and so do the parents. Social media affects pre-adolescent children very wrongly. Therefore, if there is peace in the family, the child learns to manage social media. If the parents are a peaceful family, we will say no with their reasons, and we will praise them with their reasons."

It is necessary to set abstract goals, not material goals"

Underlining that it is very important to raise a child with life goals, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that "There are three paradigms here when defining success. We want our children to be smart and successful. The current education system wants to raise smart and successful children, but not a smart and successful child, and thirdly, your child should be a good person. Let them have character and moral. Here we will take the three parameters together. If we carry out three parameters, the children will not break at all. Mothers and fathers raise with two parameters. Can the child be self-directed as he embarks on the journey of life? Can the child manage life? When confronted with good and evil, can the child choose the good? What kind of person should the child be when he comes to the end of life? It is necessary to set abstract goals, not material goals. 'What kind of person do you want to be when you come to the end of your life? What do you want to be written on your tombstone? What traces do you want to leave in life? How do you want to be remembered?' It is very important to be able to make the child say this and to raise a child who has a life purpose."

"We raise the child according to the past"

Emphasizing that raising an educated child is the greatest legacy that a mother and father will leave to their child, Tarhan said that "In Arabic, the word "iktisat” (economics) comes from the root "maksat” (purpose). In other words, if you are going to manage a money, determine your purpose first. Managing a child, psychological capital, ourselves, and finances are all related to the basic rules of resource management. You enlarge the pool, you increase the inputs, you manage the outputs wisely. It is the same in life. We will pool the things that are going well in our lives, increase them, grow them, and then spend them on the spot. If you have taught this to the child, if you have raised a good child, you do not need to take care of that child with a good psychological capital, social character capital. You have left a great inheritance to the child, the child has eaten the inheritance, there is nothing to do. For him, raising an educated child is the greatest legacy a mother and father can leave to their children. Do not raise the child to satisfy their own ego. Ali ibn Abi Talib said, "Raise the child not according to the age in which you live, but according to the age in which he will live." What a foresighted thought. We need to raise the child according to this age, but we raise the child according to the past age, not this age. As such, there is a gap between us and the child."

"Divorce is not an option in marriage, it is an outcome..."

In the interview, where the questions of the audience were answered, Tarhan also drew attention to the issue of divorce. Stating that couples cannot divorce from parenthood even if they divorce each other, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "Men experience narcissism and depression in an angry way. Women, on the other hand, experience their depression in the form of crying. In fact, most angry men have depression. Since a man is depressed, his expression of emotion is in the form of anger. Women express their emotion by crying, more directly. Men are considered a narcissist because of that difference. We should not confuse it. Marriage should not be terminated without expert help for the sake of children. There is a divorce for the couple, but there is no divorce from being parents. That's why parents need to end by shaking hands for their children. If it is going to end, we need to focus on children. Divorce is not an option in marriage, it is an outcome. You say that if it was not an option, I would leave this marriage, if you leave it, let that marriage not work because marriage is like going on a long journey across the ocean. There are storms, there are negativities. You cannot say I am going to get off the ship in the middle of the ocean, or you cannot say I am going to leave the surgeon in the operation when the surgeon starts the operation. If you are in a marriage, you will do your best to make the marriage better. If all roads are closed, then the result will appear. Therefore, divorce is not an option in marriage, but an outcome."

At the end of the event, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan signed the book "Being a Conscious Youth" for his readers.

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)