Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "The child receives trust from the father and love from the mother"

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan discussed the importance of "The Role of the Father in the Family" in the program "A Door to Mind with Prof. Nevzat Tarhan" broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Stating that love and honesty create trust in the family, Tarhan emphasized that the parameters of love and discipline should be used in a balanced way in the family. Noting that the relationship of trust creates attachment, and that motherhood and fatherhood are not a top-down relationship, Tarhan added that motherhood and fatherhood are companions in life. Saying that the child gets trust from the father and love from the mother, Tarhan also stated that love and trust are things that are intertwined.

"Dishonest love is not sustainable..."

Emphasizing that trust arises from the combination of love and honesty, President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that dishonest love is not sustainable love. Prof. Tarhan stated that "The role of the father is to protect the mother, to create the safe space for the mother and to make the mother feel safe. There is such a cycle that the mother's well-being depends on the father, and the child's well-being depends on the mother. If the father says, 'I only bring bread home and do not interfere with anything else,' then the mother feels lonely, unloved and unhappy, because if there is love, fear decreases and trust increases, if there is no love, fear increases and trust decreases. If there is love and honesty, that love creates trust. One loves in a dishonest love, but if the man lies and does not inspire confidence, that love is not sustainable. Then, since that sense of trust and confidence is not formed, it negatively affects the child and the mother."

"The child expresses things that he cannot express verbally with pictures"

Talking about the importance of parents spending time with their children, Prof. Tarhan said that "During play therapy, the child is asked, 'What do you think of your father?' The child says, 'Don't let my father yell at me.' For example, when the child draws a picture, the child draws the father in a very distant place or draws the father without arms. When asked, 'Why did you draw it like that?' the child said, 'So he wouldn't hit me.' In play therapies, the child expresses things that the child cannot express verbally with drawings. For example, a child draws a house, but without a chimney. So, the child does not have a warm sense of home. Or the child draws their mother without a mouth. When asked, 'Why?', it turns out that the mother scolds the child a lot. In such cases, the child thinks, 'My mother doesn't like me, my mother doesn't love me.'"

"Raising a child with fear at this time means losing that child"

Emphasizing that the child should not be raised with fear, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "If you choose to teach the children of this time the rules of life by intimidating, that child will start lying the moment he moves away from the parents. The moment he moves away, the child comes in the opposite direction, to the opposite identity. With puberty, they begin to do the opposite of what the mother says. Therefore, raising a child with fear at this time means losing that child. It is important to set an example for them instead of being imperious. The child sees their behavior because the child learns from actions and experiences, not words. In other words, a life event or an experience that they experience with the mother, father and child is written as a life scenario in the child's brain. In advanced ages, one plays that scenario without realizing it when the conditions arise."

"There is no greater virtue than self-observation"

Talking about the importance of self-observation, Tarhan emphasized that people should act in line with their observations. Tarhan stated that "Some people are out there and at home. The child is talkative on the outside and is like a commander at home. There is a saying in Anatolia; 'Good to the others, but bear at the house...' Some people have such a double personality, so it is kind of a double standard. The person's behavior in this way is not a personality disorder, but sometimes it is unconscious behavior. There is no greater virtue than self-observation. One will observe themselves, observe their own emotions, observe their own behavior, analyze it, act accordingly. After that, they will observe the feelings of the other party, observe the relations and act accordingly. It is a skill, and it needs to be learned. Our current model of fathers is 'I brought home bread, that's enough'. This is the role of a businessman, not a father, a husband. Role sharing should be healthy. The professional role is separate, the fatherhood role is separate, the spouse role is separate... All these roles need to be treated accordingly.”

"It is necessary to use the parameters of love and discipline in a balanced way"

Emphasizing the importance of the balance of love and discipline, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that "The child watches and identifies with both the mother and the father. Whichever one the child identifies with more; they take them as an example if the child spends better quality time with them. There is a thought that daughters are fond of their father and sons are fond of their mother. The first thing here is to spend time together. Parents are the protagonists of the child until the age of 10. A child copies their every move and takes them as an example. It is necessary to use the parameters of love and discipline in a balanced way. If there is a lot of discipline and little love in a home, the child learns the opposite. If there are very strict rules, the child becomes prone to crime and capable of crime. When there is a lot of love and no discipline, the child is insatiable. If there is a lot of love and discipline, the child becomes passive and has low self-esteem. If there is no love and discipline, the child becomes a crime machine. The house should be a regulated environment, the mother should not give a different message and the father should not give a different message. Parents should establish a common horizontal relationship. If a mother forms a coalition with a child and a father with a child, there will be no peace in that house, there will be polarization. Therefore, if parents talk about the problem of education together at home and show a common behavior, children will take both mother and father as an example."

"A relationship of trust creates bonding"

Stating that the most important psychological needs of human beings is the need for attachment, Tarhan said that "The father is the hero of the child until the age of 10. The father lays the foundation of the child's basic personality. This hero is sometimes a grandfather, or uncle. The child identifies with people with whom they have a close and warm relationship, and these form the framework of their personality. If a father does not keep a promise, if the mother and the father are contradicting with each other, there is no bond of trust. If a bond of trust has been formed, the child is modeling, and the relationship of trust is very important here. A relationship of trust between mother and child, father and child create bonding. The most important of the psychological needs of human beings is the need for attachment. When the child does not connect to the mother and father, if there is no object to be attached to in his childhood and there is no model related to it, the child connects to substance, television, social media."

"Love and trust are things that go hand in hand..."

Talking about the importance of emotional stabilization in parents, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that when the wrong seeds are planted in the developing soul of the child, the wrong character will develop. Tarhan expressed that "The child receives trust from the father and love from the mother. Love and trust are something that goes hand in hand. If there is a discipline that has love in it, trust is formed. If the father has emotional stabilization, that is, if one is sad when necessary, angry when necessary, rejoicing when necessary peaceful when necessary, if he is a balanced person, the child learns a balanced relationship. If both the mother and father are unbalanced, the child becomes insensitive and imbalanced. If the child is mistreating you, question your past because children are born innocent. They are born with a formidable inclination to talent. If we plant the wrong seeds in their souls when they can acquire many skills, the wrong character will develop. If there is emotional disorder in the child, there is definitely emotional disorder in the history of that family."

"Parenting is not about building a top-down relationship"

Stating that every event in life should be turned into an opportunity and taught to the child, Tarhan said that "I need to think about how to turn every event in life into an opportunity to raise my child well. It should be thought about how I can turn a newspaper event, a television event, daily events, everything into an opportunity for my child to learn well, correctly, and excellently. It is best to analyze it together without turning it into a conference or a preach... Parenting is not about building a top-down relationship. Motherhood and fatherhood means being a companion in life. When you are a companion, you travel together, you share together, you grieve together, you rejoice together..."

"Children are like bees, they travel everywhere and create their own honey"

Stating that raising a child is similar to giving swimming training, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that the child should be given the right to make mistakes during adolescence. Tarhan said that "Teenagers, in adolescence, question by asking, 'Who am I? Where should I go?' It is the period when they learn their cultural identity, social identity, religious identity, ethnic identity, sexual identity, everything. The child wants to be with their friends rather than family and parents during adolescence. It is more open to external influence. If the child has good family ties, they will go out, compare them with the family, and gladly come to that peaceful home. In a warm environment, the child sees their mistakes and finds their truth. Children are like bees; they travel everywhere and create their own honey. It is necessary to give this an opportunity. In fact, raising a child is a bit like teaching them to swim. When teaching swimming, one is careful not to drown, but at the same time one let them be free. If one always holds onto something, they will not learn to swim, and if they never stand next to it, they will drown. We are going to let them loose a little bit, and we are going to give them the space to make mistakes. Let's give the space to make mistakes during adolescence because adolescence is a stormy period. They will make a mistake but can come back later and talk about this mistake. If he is a father who scares them, that is, if everyone runs away when the father comes home, he is not a good father. The father will plant his image in the child's imagination."

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)