Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "The child should feel both free and belonging to the family"

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan was the guest of the "Being a Conscious Family" event organized under the leadership of Antalya ENVAR schools with the support of 5 schools from different cities. Stating that the primary education area of children is home and family, Tarhan reminded the importance of giving love and discipline to the child in a balanced way. Tarhan also drew attention to the fact that children should be able to feel both belonging to the family and free when they reach adolescence.

Participants showed great interest to the online event which was moderated by Nurbanu Coşkun.

"The first area of education that can raise a child well is home and family"

Stating that babies are born prematurely from a neuropsychological point of view, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "For example, a duck can swim as soon as it hatches. A horse calf can walk as soon as it is born; however, a person walks at the age of 1, at the age of 15 he begins to distinguish between good and bad. There is such a process. If a person cannot be a family, if one does not have parents, if one does not receive good care, that person can be a dehumanized person. It can turn into a bad crime machine. Therefore, there are no bad people, there are dragged into evil. There are no delinquent children, there are delinquent children. For adults, it is necessary to think that there are no bad people, there are dragged into the bad. That's why the child's primary school here is their home and family. It is very useful to build a factory, it is very important to build a bridge, to build a road, but it is even more important to educate a person. There is a beautiful Chinese proverb that says, 'If you want a 1-year crop, plant wheat, if you want a 10-year crop, plant trees, if you want a 100-year-old crop, grow people.' The biggest capital is human capital, and if you do not educate well, other jobs are meaningless. Therefore, the first area of education that can raise a child well is home and family. In such cases, if that family is healthy, the child can grow up healthy."

"Love and discipline should be given in a balanced way..."

Pointing out that the house has become a refuge for the child who grows up in an environment where there are rules, dreams, sweet discipline and love, Prof. Tarhan said that "The fact that the house is a safe space, and a warm environment makes the child say that life is safe. The child begins to explore in life. The child explores the environment, discovers themselves, and in this way begins to move forward in life rapidly. If it is a safe space, the child is learning about life. Here, the child should be given a balance of love and discipline. This only happens in a family environment. If you want to get into the child's mind, you will first get into the child’s heart. As an educator and as a teacher, if you want a child to love a lesson and study, a teacher will first think about how to make them love the lesson. It is the greatest formula of all educators. If the child likes the lesson, they study well for that lesson. When the child loves the teacher, the child loves the lesson. The teacher also needs to love the student. The relationship here is successful if it is a stable, consistent, and continuous relationship. You know if the snow falls slowly and continuously, it settles, and so does discipline. So is the advice... If it rains slowly and steadily, it settles. For this reason, that house becomes a refuge for the child who grows up in an environment where there are rules, dreams, sweet discipline and love."

"In 50 years, many cultures will disappear in the world"

In the program, where questions were also received from the participants, Prof. Tarhan pointed out that it is necessary to protect the family, which is the last refuge for the rescue of the society and Tarhan stated that "There were social norms that protected society. There was a neighborhood, there were neighborhoods, there were friendships... Now there is a very fast life, a fast life. In such an environment, the social norms that protected society were broken. Think of the city, the outer castle has been destroyed, there is the inner castle, the place of resistance that protects it is the inner castle. The inner castle is the family. That's why we call the family the last refuge. Right now, we must protect the last refuge family to save society. When we do not protect the family, when the family falls apart, many cultures in the world will disappear in 50 years. Right now, they are influencing the world with Hollywood culture, with voluntary imperialism. Hollywood culture has started to see the damage of this itself."

"The real freedom is to be free from yourself"

Stating that the main freedom is to say no to the wrong feelings within oneself, Tarhan expressed that "The real freedom is to be free with oneself. The first victory that a young person will win is the victory over the tempting feelings towards themselves. We need a life guide here, both in the family and at school. Previously, our social norms protected the family, our traditions and the family did the cultural transfer. Today, on the other hand, the family has not been transferring culture especially after the 2000s. Cultural rights are now being done by the media.”

"Ours is a culture that is very capable at protecting the family."

Stating that modernism transformed marriage into a competitive relationship, Prof. Tarhan said that "Our culture is very capable at protecting the family because we do not call the relationship between men and women a couple, we do not call them spouses. Couples therapy and partner therapy came later. It is called Refik and Refika. Refik means companion and refika means female companion. In other words, one sees marriage as a journey of life. People who have embarked on a journey of life do not compete with each other, but we support each other and try to reach the goal more easily. Modernism transformed marriage into a complementary relationship and a competitive relationship. Therefore, a person’s philosophy of life has deteriorated, and our family is now our last refuge. If we do not invest in it, in 10 years, or maybe 20 years, it is going to be hard to fix a lot of things. Thus, we really need to stand tall on this issue."

"If love is water, respect is its vessel"

Stating that respect and wisdom are kindness, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan expressed that "If love is water, respect is its vessel. If there is no respect, you cannot control love. There is a concept greater than respect, which is the wisdom of respect. And that's what it is called because a person can show respect out of fear. When there is kindness, you show respect out of the feeling of not hurting a person. You show compassion because you do not want to hurt, and you do not hurt in the same way in compassion. I was very impressed when I read a Hadith, it says that if you want your children to obey you, be fair to them. If parents say that children do not obey me, there is definitely inequality of justice among children."

"The child should feel free and belonging to the family"

Referring to the importance of raising children with character as an example for children, Tarhan stated that "Behavior development should not just be something that everyone gets full score on report cards. It really needs to be taught. The school should seriously use this as an educational outcome. It should take behavior change as a goal. As an example, raising children with character, raising children with morals, raising children who are the captains of their own ships is no less important than feeding our children, drinking and dressing them for our children. When the child reaches adolescence, the child should feel both belonging to the family and free."

"Whichever part we feed wins, whether is good or bad"

Reminding that it is the mothers and fathers who plant seeds in the developing soul of the child, Tarhan said that "If you plant good and beautiful seeds in their developing soul, the child will bear good and beautiful fruits in the future, but if we plant the seeds of bad, harmful and thorny things, it will bear fruit according to what we planted in the future. Therefore, the age of 0-6 is important, but the seeds planted in the child's soul until the age of 10-12 in early adolescence become trees in the future. There is such a good part and a bad part inside us, if we feed the good part in us, it wins, and if we feed the bad part, it wins. This is the case in our family and in our social relations, so it is necessary to know what we care about and what we sanctify."

"The child takes the mother and father as an example while developing themselves and their identity"

Drawing attention to the fact that adolescence is the identity period of the child, the period of self-development, Tarhan said that "The child takes the mother and father as an example while developing themselves and their identity. A child takes things from all sides... The child creates their own identity and chooses information, examples, role models about where and what they like the most and take them accordingly. Social media is now a very important priority in the transmission of culture. Technology is very important, completely banning it from a young age backfires on the child. Here, if the mother and father use it wisely and in a balanced way, the child learns to use it in a balanced way."

What people with high egos lose the most is missing out on a lot of learning opportunities"

Talking about the importance of the slogan "Love, value and share" in relationship with children, Prof. Tarhan said that "When you do that, it is a safe relationship. When the child has a secure relationship, the child looks up to you and questions you if necessary. Some things are mutual. People should be open to continuous learning. Learning does not end until the last breath in life. What people with high egos lose the most is missing out on many learning opportunities. For example, some people's lives are governed by fears, not facts. The most common thing that people who act out of fear lose is missing opportunities. They miss out on many opportunities because of fear. For this reason, we need to know ourselves, learn our strengths and weaknesses, and be open to change so that we can play the roles of motherhood and fatherhood."

"Children imitate three things: Mother, father and a parent's relationship"

Continuing his speech with an example from Ibn-i Khaldun, Tarhan said that "They asked Ibn-i Khaldun. What do we need to do to educate our child well?' He says, 'You do not need to do anything special to educate your child well. If you set a good example, your children will be good too.’ There is something more important to a child than being a good businessman, that is, being a good father. There is more important work than being a good businesswoman, being a good mother and a good wife. Children imitate 3 things; Mother, father, and the relationship between parents... If this relationship is good, the children do not have fears about getting married in life, they do not have fears about the future. There may be problems at home, there may be arguments, there may be a rise in their tones from time to time, of course it will happen, but after it happens, they will show that this has passed, that it has improved, and they will learn about life because the realities of life are different. Being a good parent does not mean making the child happy, it means preparing the child for life. There is a rule of life that life gives its reward to those who endure. Therefore, one of the most important family values is perseverance, that is, endurance training. The concept of patience but active patience, not standing aside and waiting. Patience with action in it, patience with purpose. When this happens, the child also learns the skill of postponing gratification. They receive endurance training and gain psychological resilience. A fighter child, a personality who aspires to difficulty, and who produces solutions to achieve the goal he wants, emerges."

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)