The biggest enemy of marriages: Evening syndrome!
President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan wrote an article on “Marriage” this week on the Hürriyet Family Column.
The most important thing in a marriage is the warm and peaceful environment at home. The warm environment at home affects many things from communication between couples to raising children healthy.
We now call home as “security nest” when we used to call it as “love nest” because everybody must feel belong to there in order to create security. If they do not feel that they belong there, there will be tension. In some homes, evening syndrome is experienced when they entered from the door. When a man enters from the door of the house, his wife starts to complain immediately. In the situation we call evening syndrome, both parties are tense. In a case like this, there is a very simple thing that both sides can do: a glaze fill with love, a smile, couple of nice words and a warm touch. It is simple as that…
We witness every day that incidents related to violence are being experienced in our country and world. A world that there is no violence does not seem possible since it is against the biological and psychological nature of humans. There are two basic impulse in humans. One of them is sexuality and other one is aggression. Learning how to control the impulse is related to civilization of humans.
Violence must not be applied as seeking for justice and solution
When level of civilization increases, the skill to control these impulses increase. The biggest qualification of developed and underdeveloped countries is related to being able to control these impulses of sexuality or aggression. Instead of violence, it is possible to Express yourself by verbally communication and seek for justice for yourself. Sexual impulses are impulses must be under control and to be lived according to morals of sexuality. However, it is seen an increase in both instead of a decrease in the course of humanity unfortunately.
Civilization cannot be a matter of question where there is violence
Even though modernization is increasing, civilization does not increase in parallel to this. Civilization cannot be a matter of question where there is violence. That is, people can be modernized but they are not civilized at all. Unfortunately, similar issues are seen when it comes to women’s right, violence against women and children. Many laws on violence against children entered into force after 1960 and many measurements are taken after that.
There is an increase in crime despite of the laws
It is a quite interesting that violence cannot be prevented despite of enforcing the related laws. It is observed that there is an increase in incidents of violence against women although a law was enforced in 2012. According to statistics, number of deaths due to violence against women was 86 in 2008; however, it is 436 in 2020. That is, violence against women has been increased 5 times more. That is, legal regulations do not solve this now. It is the negative solution of the problem to solve the problem via laws.
Rehabilitation center instead of prisons…
There are many types of violence against women: physical abuse, sexual abuse, economical abuse, psychological or emotional abuse. Solutions that are not problem-focused in violence against women raise concern. Certainly, preventative mental health and rehabilitation works must be carried out on this issue. Measurements to prevent violence must be taken as primary protection. There is also secondary protection according to risk groups. This risk groups can be provided with rehabilitation instead of suspension from home. To keep the criminal in rehabilitation centers can be beneficial instead of keeping them in prison.
Wrong pattern of behaviors must be left behind…
Many ongoing wrong application and behavioral patterns must be left behind in traditional fighting to prevent violence against women. In our culture, there might be some behaviors applied on this matter in some regions. We experience a change. That is, we must correct some of our traditions. Both men and woman must do a self-criticism.
If a person applies to violence, they belong to middle age…
Learning women and men relationship can be considered as a form of art. This is actually a skill and it must be learned. There is unfortunately a culture that approves violence in our culture; however, a person is ignorant and undeveloped, primitive if they see violence as a method of solving problems in this changing world. If a person brags about violence, they belong to middle age.
Pay attention to evening syndrome!
The most important matter in marriage is to have a peaceful environment. Marriage and home must have a warm environment. We used to call marriage as nest of love but now we call it nest of security because everybody must feel belong to there in order to create security. If they do not feel that they belong there, there will be tension. If a person feels safe, they go to home directly. In some homes, evening syndrome is experienced when they entered from the door. When a man enters from the door of the house, his wife starts to complain immediately. The wife tells something like ’I am fed up with you. We have already two children. Today, this happened and that happened.’ In the situation we call evening syndrome, both parties are tense. In a case like this, there is a very simple thing that both sides can do: a glaze fill with love, a smile, couple of nice words and a warm touch. It is simple as that…
Majority of the problems derives from emotional distance
When this method used in a relationship, 50% of the problems are eliminated. An important majority of the problems occurred in relationships derives from misunderstanding and not knowing problem solving methods. It derives from emotional distance. When emotional distance is eliminated, the problem can be discussed easily by communication. The biggest reason of violence in relationships within a family is that the emotional distance is quite far...
Activating the thinking brain must be aimed
Angry people can be convinced with power of convincing and information. This must be considered in approaching to these people. If a person tries to solve their problems by yelling, using force or violence within family or workplace, they use their feeling brain. They get angry, yell, break and intimidate people by oppressing them. That person is oppressed due to the fact that they cannot respond in the same way. We advise that you must use your thinking brain to deal with these people. For example, to a partner who yells at you should say ‘please talk quietly, I want to understand you.’. In that way, this person will think and say ‘they want me to speak quietly to understand me.’. Then, they will activate their thinking brain immediately.
HÜRRİYET AİLE (In Turkish)