Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "Do not see your children as your limbs!"

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan discussed the topic of "Parents' Limits on the Child's Life" in the program "Door to Mind with Prof. Nevzat Tarhan" broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Drawing attention to how parents' attitudes towards children should be, Tarhan stated that "Some mothers see their children as their own limbs. Her child will do what she says! Otherwise, her child cannot do anything." This is to put children completely under guardianship. In that case, children have no room for freedom." Reminding that children should experience the natural result of their behavior and mistake, Tarhan expressed that "Being a good parent is not about doing everything your children say; however, it is about preparing your children for life.”

"Some mothers see their children as their own limbs"

Explaining how parents' attitudes towards children should be, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that "Some mothers see their children as their own limbs. Her child will do what she says! Otherwise, her child cannot do anything." This is to put them completely under guardianship. In that case, children have no room for freedom. Now this situation is appliable within the first year after the child is born because at that moment the child does not know what is right and wrong, what is dangerous does not even know. Children reach out to the stove because they do not know... They do not now that it is going to burn their hand. In those cases, full guardianship is required until the age of 1. Until the age of 7-8 years, the child needs to be a counselor. After that, parents are now supposed to be a guide. They will be a guide. They will continue to advise them. They will counsel until adolescence. They will enable their children to learn by experiencing."

"Being a good parent is not about doing everything your children say, but preparing your children for life.”"

Stating that children should experience the natural result of their behavior and mistake, Tarhan expressed that "Being a good parent is not about doing everything your children say; however, it is about preparing your children for life. Behaviors should be stable, consistent, and continuous. The house will be a regulated environment. For example, if there is a mistake in a football match, a red card or a yellow card is shown. Such warnings are definitely needed in life. When there is a fight with a child, it is the adults who lose. If you get into ego wars, power battles, you will lose. Therefore, you are going to say, 'It is your responsibility, it is your responsibility in this house, and it is your duty to do it, but if you do not, I am writing it down.' Children should experience the natural consequences of their behavior and mistake."

"The democratic type of parent is the ideal"

Advising parents to use the methods of persuasion, persuasion and love, Tarhan stated that "The democratic family is the parent type. Freedom is important in the democratic type of parent. Freedom does not mean allowing everything. Freedom in a democracy is a freedom with rules; however, it is not a freedom that allows you to do everything. The opposite of freedom is authoritarianism. It is to impose one's own opinion. If you force your own opinion on your children, you take away their freedom. At this time, if a parent imposes their own opinion on their child, if they use pressure, threats, and intimidation, their child moves away from freedom. Parents should impose their own ideas and truths on the child by persuasion, and love. When one does this, their child learns the truth and the good."

"There will be freedom so that there will be learning"

Stating that learning will take place in a healthier environment in a free environment, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan made the following remarks: "There will be freedom so that there will be learning. The child will ask questions so that there is learning. If you praise your children, you will not praise their personality, but praise their behavior and efforts. If you criticize them, you will not criticize their personality, but their behavior and efforts. As such, the child begins to learn the rules of life. The child begins to learn the limits of life. The sign of civilization in life is not to carve the stone or to polish the stone. The sign of civilization was putting up a fence between one's neighbor's house and one's own. Imagine that there are no walls in the building. Everything turns upside down. Human beings also have social boundaries. Social boundaries are taught by parents, society and the environment. Children need to learn those social boundaries. Therefore, freedom is the first parameter."

“Learning that releases dopamine in the brain is permanent learning."

Talking about the duties of parents to ensure permanent learning, Tarhan stated that "What is the ideal? It is ideal a mother is standing next to her child while the child is trying to go upstairs. She says, 'You go up, and if something happens, I will hold you.' When her child falls and she hold her child. It is the same with animals. There are bears, and their cubs roll out of the snow. The bear waits. Its cub is down there, the bear sees it but does not leave. The cub sees its mother there and tries to get out. It rolls and comes out. In this way, children learn two things: First, they feel the pleasure of doing it on their own. Secondly, there is a bond of trust between them and their mother. Both release dopamine in children. Learning with pleasure becomes permanent learning. Learning that releases dopamine in the brain is permanent learning. To teach children by secreting dopamine in their brain, it is necessary to say, ‘You will fix your bed, let's fix it together.’ Children will both say, 'I am fixing my bed,' and enjoy the pleasure of cooperating with their mother. When they have this, children receive two prizes. He receives both prizes of achieving something and their mother’s companion. In that way, dopamine is secreted in their brain, and permanent learning is realized."

"Evil is common like a virus"

Stating that psychological resilience skills should be taught against evil, Tarhan expressed that "If the parents form a bilateral coalition, if the mother favors a child and the father favors a child, there will be no peace in that house. Polarization becomes segregation, and there will be constant tension. There will be no peace and happiness. If this happens in the family, there will be mistakes about friendships. The role model is very important here because now there are 20 factors that indicate the bad while there were 20 factors that indicated the good, the right and the beautiful before. There are one or two factors that tell the good and the beautiful. In a world of microbes, we cannot raise a child in a bubble. If you raise them in that way, it will get sick at the first opportunity. Right now, evil is common like a virus. Lies, deceit, selfishness, self-interest, addiction, gossip... These are opportunities to tell the good and the bad. At this time, instead of protecting the child from evil, we need to teach psychological resilience, and psychological immunity against evil. Children must be prepared and defend themselves against evil. Therefore, there are evil deeds, but we must teach children how to shield themselves. If they have shields, do not worry."

"We will invest mentally and look for a formula"

Finally, Tarhan gave advice to parents as follows: "We will do our best. After that, we will worry about how to make my child better and more beautiful. We are going to make a mental investment and look for a formula. We will say, how can I teach this child the good truth? We do our best and the expedition is ours, and the victory may be from God. In other words, you will be peaceful, and you will have done your duty of warning. After that, the peace of that surrender will affect you and the child."

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)