The disease of the century: 'Fear of Marriage'

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan addressed the students at the 14th Silsile Training with the theme of 'Family and Child' organized by the Independent Student Platform. Tarhan, who made important evaluations under the title of "The Duties and Rights of Men and Women in the Family", reminded that new answers should be given to old questions about marriage. Drawing attention to the fact that instead of being afraid of marriage, one should be afraid of attributing the wrong meaning to marriage, Tarhan said that "Fear of marriage is the disease of this century. People with marriage equivalence can solve problems more easily when they get married. They are raising healthier children."

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan addressed the students at the 14th Silsile Training with the theme of Family and Child organized by the Independent Student Platform. The interest of the participants in the online training was intense.

Our minds are more occupied than our land...

Stating that new answers should be given to old questions about marriage, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "A lot of concepts about marriage and premarital marriage have changed. At the moment, the old answers to questions about marriage do not respond. Therefore, it is necessary to give new answers to old questions. It is necessary to approach with new truths. There is always a provision, a condition. It is one of the basic rules of the law. Provisions vary according to the circumstances. In other words, the main framework that will not change remains, but some provisions will be enforced according to the circumstances. This is something that is already acceptable in our belief system, in our religion, in our culture. For this reason, Anatolian geography, especially in the Northern Belt Islamic geography where we live, is a generation where very serious traumas are experienced. Because we have always been at the front. The other Southern Belt of Islam has always struggled with internal conflicts, but the Northern Belt has always been on the external front and has always struggled with the outside. As such, it came into direct contact with the dangers coming from outside. The dangers from outside were always armed dangers. We have succeeded in protecting our culture from these dangers. At that time, our lands were trying to be occupied, but now our minds are trying to be occupied. Especially for a hundred or two hundred years, our minds have been occupied more than our lands. There are even rumors. He says that in the End Times, the dajjal will enter the entire Islamic geography except Mecca and Medina. And what is meant by the Dajjal is evil..."

There are two major dangers that threaten the family, society and young people!

Pointing out that narcissism comes in the form of an epidemic, Tarhan said that "There are two major dangers that threaten the family, the community and young people at this time. The first is the epidemic rise of envy, egoism and narcissism. A book called The Narcissism Epidemic was published in the USA. The epidemic is called the local version of the pandemic. At the moment, narcissism has gone from an epidemic to a pandemic, it has become global. The second is secularism. This secularism is not secularism in the political sense, but secularism in the sense of worldliness. So worldism and self-centeredness are invading our minds, our family, and our culture. Previously, our culture was protected by our family, the street, and society, but now we cannot protect our culture with the spread of this communication technology, the spread of globalization, the transformation of imperialism into cultural imperialism, and the transformation of wars into culture wars and psychological wars. People have turned armed wars into spiritual wars rather than material wars. This continues as psychological warfare. The most effective, easiest and most consequential method of this is to occupy minds, change thoughts, and pollute hearts and souls."

Even though they are religious, they are afraid...

Giving an example about the End Times, Tarhan stated that "The Prophet (pbuh) says, 'There will come a time when my Ummah will be like trash on the stream, and they will be scattered.' Is it because they are scarce?' And he said, 'No, it is the opposite. But they are going to go with the current like trash in the water, and they will not be able to go...' The Prophet attributed this to two reasons. The first is 'Vehn's disease'. In other words, it means that the love of the world takes place in their hearts, worldism. The second says that they do not want death, they are afraid of death. The love of the world has increased so much, egos have risen so high, arrogance has risen so much that they no longer want accountability and death, they are afraid even though they are religious..."

Marriage is a process in which love and logic are balanced...

Stating the things to be considered for the family within the framework of the difficulties brought by modernism, Tarhan said that "We need to set realistic limits on our expectations of the family. I often try to talk about the Marriage Maturity Scale in relation to the family. Do not step into marriage without complying with the Marriage Maturity Scale. This Marriage Maturity Scale is a scale that fits our culture. Here, in terms of equivalence, first of all, the equivalence in one's philosophy of life is important. Equivalence in the perspective of events, life and the world is important. In other words, it is not enough to be formally religious. Morally, it is necessary to be religious. This is equivalence in the philosophy of life. It is very dangerous to embark on a marriage journey with people who are famous for fame, who exhibit themselves, who do not have a high ideal to strive for, get tired of, and suffer for in life. Marriage is a journey. Marriage is not a marriage of love, and it is a marriage in which love and logic are balanced. Only logic makes marriage unpleasant, and unsalted. Only love marriage also flies away like a straw flame after a while. It is important to strike a balance between the two. For this reason, their perspective on life, the way they handle problems, and their priorities are very important here. And it is about the philosophy of life. The second is economic equivalence. The better it is, the less problems arise, the easier they are solved. Equivalence as social status. If it is close, the problems will be solved more easily. Another biological equivalence, that is, in terms of sexuality, in terms of physical appearance, the more equivalence and intimacy there is, the healthier the marriage will be. It is also an equivalence that there are people who understand each other professionally."

"Marriage is about embarking on a journey of life together"

Talking about the meanings attributed to marriage, Tarhan said; "Marriage is not a relationship where you look each other in the eye. Marriage is about embarking on a journey of life together. In our culture, marriage is called refik, refika. Refik means male companion and refika means female companion. Companionship has a primary goal. It is clear where you are going. Then you have a plan for the trip. You try to solve the challenges you face there together. A challenge arises, you solve it together. In other words, for the sake of the journey, the priority in the minds of both parties is to do what is necessary for the good of the journey. When you think, 'Where is my interest?', that marriage will not work, it is not possible. Instead of thinking, 'Where is my interest?' he will think, 'Where is the interest in marriage?' After that, he will think that it is my interest, my wife's interest, my child's interest. The interest of the marriage ship is more important than the interest of its captain. In other words, joint action should be taken for this reason."

"The biggest problem in marriages is the problem of injustice"

Emphasizing that it is necessary to make divine consent the goal, Tarhan said that “The person who embarks on the journey of marriage has to think about death and accountability. When he does not think, the strong crush the weak. The side that is strong in the family, the one that has economic power, oppresses the other side. As a result, marriages do not work. The biggest problem in marriages is the problem of injustice. Injustice between husband and wife, injustice between children. For example, we always read the story of Prophet Joseph from the point of view of Prophet Joseph. There is one side that we really need to read, and that is to read from the point of view of the family. From a family point of view, Prophet Jacob loved Prophet Yusuf very much, but his love led him away from the justice of love. Because he loved Prophet Yusuf very much, his brothers were jealous of him and threw him into the well. This is where the trial of Prophet Jacob begins. The test of Prophet Joseph, your brothers, and everyone begins. After a great test, they all learn from this test and leave a lesson to humanity. It has also become the most emphasized story in the Quran. Because there are lessons to be learned. You see, they have always made divine consent their goal. The goal of Prophet Yusuf and the goal of Prophet Jacob has always been the pleasure of Allah. When these goals are achieved, God's help comes. Therefore, the most important thing in our marriage maturity is that we should not neglect divine consent in making it a goal. Once you do that, it becomes very easy to overcome the difficulties in the marriage journey."

Fear of marriage is the disease of this century...

Stating that marriage should not be given a wrong meaning, Tarhan stated that "Fear of marriage is the disease of this century. Right now, I think we should be afraid of giving marriage the wrong meaning instead of being afraid of it. People with this marriage equivalence can solve their problems much more easily when they get married. They are raising healthier children. Think of a person, you can be a good businessman, you can be in a good position, but is being a good mother, a good father, less important than being a good person? Right now, our priorities have changed. They say career first. Career is important, but first of all, one of the pillars of the career is the role of motherhood, fatherhood, and the career of raising excellent children. Motherhood is also a career. That is why I say housework instead of housewifery. Domestic work is also a career. The state needs to define it as a career. They should make a career out of domestic work and insure it. If we want to raise good children, if we want to protect the family, we need to encourage domestic labor. There is a label created by cultural imperialism, the label of housewifery. No, we have to say domestic workers. Raising good children is the most difficult service. You are in the role of a mother, a businessperson, and a wife. The man only chooses the role of businessman, but the woman adopts all three roles and wears out prematurely, which is not fair.”

The first task of marriage is to manage stress in times of stress!

Stating that managing stress is the first rule of marriage, Tarhan expressed that "The biggest problem in marriage is that there are ego wars during stress. In fact, this is called the 'Broken Cookie Effect' in psychology. If both sides are stressed, there is an argument and a fight. They look like they are ready to explode, and there is a broken cookie in the middle. The man asks, 'Why is this cookie broken?' Or he says, 'Why did you chop this tomato coarsely?' There is a saying about the guy who went backwards and banged on the car, 'Who put that pole here?' Human beings look for excuses at that moment. It does something irrational. Broken cookies are the bottom line here. It has been an excuse for fighting. Therefore, what we will definitely do is to establish a balance so that there is no broken cookie effect here. You go in the boat, both sides are rowing. If one tries to overturn the kayak and the other tries to overturn it, it will be capsized. Then someone tries to balance the boat. After his anger passes, they start talking about the boat arriving at its destination. Therefore, intelligent people are those who manage to control their anger. Being able to manage stress in times of stress is the first task of marriage."

"If love is well invested, it turns into lifelong love"

Emphasizing that marriage should be made a safe space, Tarhan stated that "If one focuses on one's ambitions, one's greed, then the ego will come into play. For this reason, let's not break our intentions in marriage. Intention for this is a magic word. In our religion, intention is sacred. Deeds are according to intentions. Therefore, it is not important that the deed done is good, but that the intention is good. If good intentions and good deeds are combined, light will become light upon light. For this reason, let's not ruin our intention of marriage. Let's make marriage a safe space for the future of marriage, family and children. It is not a field of love, love is not enough. 'Love + Cooperation = Trust' is formed. If this trust is long-term, it turns into love. For this, love is not the cause in marriage, but the effect. Love is an earthly urban legend. If love is well invested, it turns into lifelong love."

"Apply the rule of 5 in marriage"

Talking about the rule of 5 in marriage, Tarhan said that "The first is love in marriage. Love is essential. There is something greater than love, unconditional love. And that is compassion. In the Holy Quran, 113 of the 114 surahs begin with "Merciful". Mercy and compassion are there. It is unconditional love. It is love that has empathy in it. The second rule is respect. Respect, but not respect with empathy, respect with fear. This is called kindness. The third is patience. Patience is not enduring but active patience. It has a goal, a purpose. It is to obey the speed and rhythm of nature on the way to the goal, it is a meditative act. It is endurance, patience, and goal-oriented. You reach the goal when you expect it. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. The fourth is loyalty. It comes from the sidk, righteousness. Where there is a lie, there is no loyalty. The fifth is sincerity. For this, intention is also important. You will intend to be sincere. Sincerity requires honesty. Sincerity is internal honesty, loyalty is external honesty. In our religion, it is referred to as ihlas. This is not an easy thing, but if we keep our intention, we will be among those who easily reach their goal. Apply this rule of 5 in marriage, and make sure that problems will be solved before they escalate."

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)