An emotional leader is absolutely necessary in relationships!

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan was the guest of the live broadcast of the program “Balçiçek ile Bu Gece” presented by Balçiçek İlter on EKOL TV. Tarhan made remarkable evaluations on the subject of "Relations between Men and Women". Stating that happy marriage is closely related to the meaning attached to marriage, Tarhan underlined the importance of expectations in marriage. Drawing attention to emotional leadership in relationships, Tarhan said that there must be a leader in relations.

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan answered Balçiçek İlter's questions on the subject of "Relations between Men and Women" on the live broadcast.

"Love + Collaboration = Lifetime Love"

Stating that attention should be paid to the meaning attributed to marriage, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "A happy marriage is very much related to the meaning we attach to marriage. Expectations are important. If a person looks at marriage only as a love marriage, they are mistaken. There is love in marriage but love in marriage requires investment. If there is an investment, it is 'Love + Cooperation = Lifetime Love'. A person who can cooperate well can have a happy marriage. Usually, men understand love as eroticism, and women as romance. If the man is mature, he is able to synthesize eroticism and romance. In other words, it can provide the balance of eroticism and romance. The male brain and the female brain work differently in this regard. However, as people mature over the years, they add romance to male eroticism. It provides balance in women. It is about the maturation process. Then a happy marriage occurs. There is definitely a formula for a happy marriage; however, it is necessary to be able to manage the storms and crises in the marriage well. It would not be right to expect a marriage without a crisis."

‘The 'Stop, Think, Do' paradigm should be applied...

Explaining how the dose adjustment in relationships should be, Tarhan expressed that "It is like a relationship with fire. If you get too close to the fire, it will burn. If you go too far, you will freeze. In very close relationships, no matter who it is, that is, when there is excessive intimacy in the family, in social relations and in the workplace, after a while, these relationships become monotone, and vulnerabilities begin. The one who can adjust the distance in the relationship can keep the relationship. There is a 'Stop, Think, Do' paradigm. This paradigm must be applied. Usually, the situation that most disrupts the relationship is acting without thinking, doing the first thing that comes to mind, getting up in anger. Such experiences are damaging. Such an experience can happen from time to time, but people who can act in a calm manner repair the relationship. It is important who is the emotional leader in relationships. A leader is absolutely needed in relationships. Emotional leadership is needed. Sometimes it is a woman and sometimes a man, depending on the situation. Someone's emotions, for example, rise in the direction of anger or crying. If the other side reacts in the same way, there will be conflict.”

"It is very important to understand the intentions of the other side"

Stating that open, transparent and honest communication is required in relations, Tarhan said that "There are three periods in male-female relationships. The first is the period of friendship, the second is the period of romantic relationship, and the third is the period of marriage. During the friendship period, there are usually friendships within the group. There are mutual influences. Then the second period becomes the period of love. This period is known as the dating period. Here it is very important to understand the intentions of the other party. Does one really want a long relationship towards marriage or is it a love affair? If the other party is lying, definitely run away. Even if it is an innocent lie, you need to state that you do not approve of the lie, that you are very uncomfortable. If a person already cares about you, one tries to correct themselves because they are afraid that they will lose you. In other words, an open, transparent and honest relationship is very important here. If there is such a relationship, it is healthy."

"One loves their spouse, but they want a slave-master relationship"

Pointing out that narcissistic people want a slave-master relationship in marriage, Tarhan stated that "Narcissists have a high sense of control. One loves their spouse, but they want a slave-master relationship. In fact, they constantly criticize their partner to enslave them. Then they say, 'I did all this for your good.' They want a person that is not ‘nagging’ doing anything they want and like a ‘doormat’. Unfortunately, this is very common in patriarchal cultures, and it has been this way for centuries. Until the last 100 years, physical strength was important until the industrial revolution, and it oppresses women because physical strength is in men. Especially after 1960, the women's liberation movement began. First, the feminism movement started as liberation. Then it turned into radical feminism and caused wars between men and women in marriage."

Every storm teaches something...

Talking about the rule of 5 in marriage, Tarhan made the following remarks: "The first is love. Love is important, but there is something bigger than love. It is called compassion, what we call unrequited love or unconditional love. The second is respect. Respect is also important. There is a greater concept than respect, kindness. There can be respect out of fear, but in kindness there is a sense of empathy and not wanting to hurt the other person. The third is patience. In other words, patience is not putting up with the other party. Patience is a meditative act. There is active patience here, a purpose in the marriage. Marriage is a journey between two people. In active patience there will be a goal, they will turn to it, they will remember it, they will be patient with it. Fourth, loyalty. The word loyalty has two meanings. One is faithfulness, which means righteousness, and the other is loyalty, which means devotion. Because the two complement each other. If there is no truth, there is no loyalty. In other words, where there is a lie, there is no commitment because there is no trust. We used to call marriage a home of love, now we call it a home of trust. When these happen, trust is formed, it becomes a safe space. It does not work without trust. When you come home, you should feel safe. The house will be like a shelter. In relationships that can provide this, there can be lifelong love. There are storms, but those storms are conducive to learning something new. And the fifth is sincerity. Sincerity is very important in relationships."

The 3 types of marriage...

Stating that spouses should spare time for each other in relationships, Tarhan said that "In relationships, what is wanted is not money, it is not clothes, it is not property, it is time. It is the time of the parties to make time for each other. For example, in marriages, both parties think, 'I have sealed the deal. They are starting to change. The man focuses on work. The woman gives herself to her children. Emotional distance is opening up in the relationship. This happens to people with poor marital maturity. Often they are out of touch. There are three types in marriage. One is marriages where there is healthy communication. The second is marriages where there is conflictual communication, where there is constant tension. The third is the lack of communication, and the worst is the third. Even the conflictual one is better because there is an effort on both sides, but they cannot find a solution. If there is a lack of communication, that relationship is playing prolongation."

"The relaxation technique of the two brains is also different in relieving loneliness"

Talking about the working ways of the male and female brains, Tarhan said that "The male brain is result-oriented. The female brain is process-oriented. The left brain is the masculine brain involved in logic, reasoning, analysis, speaking, calculation. The right brain is the feminine brain, the holistic brain such as emotions, excitements, aesthetics, music, art. The right brain is the emotional brain and the left brain is the rational brain. As the person matures, the forebrain bridges the two and there is a synthesis. If both parties are under stress, the male brain retreats into its mental bunker and thinks about the result, as it is result-oriented. If the woman is stressed, she tries to relax by sharing more. The relaxation technique of the two brains is also different in eliminating loneliness."

"The engagement period should not be long"

Talking about what needs to be done during the engagement process, Tarhan expressed that "The engagement process is a period created by all cultures. The period that is currently referred to as dating. A name is put there, and it emphasizes that in the eyes of the families, both sides are serious. During this period, it is more time to get to know each other, to talk about their plans for marriage, to talk about their plans for the future, it is a declaration that there is no relationship of the heart. In other words, it adds a formal meaning. The engagement period should not be long. If a decision is made, it is necessary to complete it as soon as possible. If both sides are 70-80 percent convinced, it is healthier to rush on good and beautiful things.”

"The biggest problem of developed countries is loneliness"

Referring to the changing household structure of Türkiye and the world, Tarhan stated that "Single-person households are increasing rapidly in Türkiye and around the world, while five-person households are decreasing. Currently, the biggest problem of developed countries is loneliness. Britain and Japan have established a Ministry of Loneliness. According to the statement of the United Nations, they talk about three dangers that await the world in the future. The first is income inequality, the second is climate change, and the third is loneliness. In the background of loneliness is narcissism because they always want the world to revolve around them..."

"Problems from childhood also affect marriages"

Talking about whether psychological problems can be related to childhood traumas, Tarhan said that "There is no person who does not have problems in childhood. The important thing is not to see the problems experienced at that time as if they were new. It is also important to be able to manage those problems. It is important to accept it, put it in a logical framework, learn a lesson from it and benefit from it today. Problems from childhood also affect marriages. Because if the problems at that time are unresolved traumas, they are effective in the marriage. If it is resolved trauma, there is no harm in it. If a person has resolved that childhood trauma, when reminded of those issues, one thinks, ‘I have lived this, it has taught me something, the distress has gone, and the gain out of it has remained.’ If there are things one does not remember, they are repressed. In other words, there is no such thing as all psychological problems dating back to childhood. In other words, it is about how we react to the events of childhood."

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)