Goodwill warms hearts...

President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan discussed the topic of "The Engagement Process in Marriage" in the program "Door to Mind with Prof. Nevzat Tarhan" broadcast on Dost TV and Dost FM. Stating that trust emerges with the combination of love and a healthy relationship, Tarhan expressed that "We used to call marriage a home of love, now we call it a home of trust.” Stating that marriage is built on honesty, Tarhan emphasized that responsibilities should be shared on the way to marriage.

"If there is goodwill from both sides, hearts are warmed"

Stating that hearts warm up to each other when there is goodwill on both sides, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "There is a saying, 'Make haste in good deeds.' Engagement is also such a deed. Postponing and delaying can always reveal situations where emotions and feelings are dominant rather than logic. If 70-80 percent of the two sides are convinced and the conditions are ready, there is no point in waiting. If the conditions are not ready, if there is an obligation, if one is student and are about to graduate, these are exceptions. However, in such cases, a clingy relationship is not recommended in engagement. It becomes a distant and respectful relationship. Because marriage is a concept that people who get married will be closer to their spouses than to their parents. The boundaries of privacy between them and the parents will not be with their spouses. It is such a close and intense relationship. There are only special relationships, special partnership, and private sharing. Therefore, there is no 100 percent conviction on this relationship between the two sides. In order for couples to reach a 70-80 percent to be convinced, both sides need to act. If there is goodwill on both sides, hearts warm up and the process accelerates."

Love + Healthy Relationship = Trust

Stating that trust emerges with the combination of love and a healthy relationship, Tarhan said that "We used to call marriage a home of love, now we call it a home of trust. ‘Love plus Healthy Relationship equals Trust.’ There can be love, but if there is no healthy relationship, trust is lost quickly. Therefore, love alone is not enough. The more a healthy relationship, the more trust increases. In the biological nature of the woman, romance predominates in her brain, she works harder. She wants to know that she is loved. The right brain is the feminine brain. It is about emotions, excitement, music, and art. The left brain is the masculine brain. It is about logic, reasoning, analysis, and speaking. The forebrain balances the two. The feminine brain is the emotional brain. It strives to achieve integrity. Logic is a complementary brain between emotion. The female brain works predominantly from birth. The male brain, on the other hand, is innately more result-oriented."

"The soul is the part that connects us with God"

Emphasizing that bad situations in relationships should be analyzed in a healthy way, Tarhan stated that "Often, abusive feelings come to the fore in engagement relationships. There are good and bad parts in every person. In our culture, in our belief system, the bad part is called the nafs (self), and the good part is called the heart. The soul is the part that connects us with God. The mind is the part that provides a balance between this. Now, in such a situation, various 'what ifs' come to mind. Obsessions and delusions emerge. It is necessary to analyze such situations in a healthy way. When a person has a situation with their spouse, if they decide alone or with doubt, they make a mistake. One needs to act based on evidence. It should become concrete.."

"Marriage is a journey together"

Stating that women should determine the inner and men should determine the external realities, Tarhan expressed that "Marriage is a journey together. On journeys together, the woman has the last word in the inner reality. In external reality, the man has the last word. That is what our culture has taught. This is the best and most valid method at the moment. A man should not say, 'The painting is crooked, or the carpet is like this, this place is like this at home,' and he will not interfere. There, she will provide her own psychological satisfaction and ego satisfaction. Women should have the final decision in the house, and the order in the house. Men will give her that right. If he does not give it, she feels like a slave, or like a doormat. Men determines the external realities. Let’s say, there is an issue with the car. Then she will leave it to her husband. If something like this happens on both sides, there is a complementary leadership in this marriage. It is carried out together like a co-presidential system. Obedience in our culture is blind obedience to a man after marriage! It is understood in that way. There is no such thing anymore, and that era is over.”

Current culture: 'Family Culture'

Stating that patriarchal culture is not a valid culture at the moment, Tarhan said that "Child-oriented culture is not valid either. The current culture is a family-oriented culture. The whole family will decide together. The benefit of the ship is more important than the benefit of the captain. The benefit of the ship is more important than the benefit of the crews there, the majority of the population there, because if the ship sinks, everyone will sink. The benefit of a factory is more important than the benefit of the boss, the employer. It is also more important than the benefit of the employee. That is why people need to be able to make decisions that will protect the factory. The benefit of marriage should be based on the common good and common mind, rather than the benefit of the man and the benefit of the woman. Marriage based on common sense works. A male-dominated family or only female-dominated family that does not rely on common sense does not work. Surely something is coming up. The ability to make decisions together needs to be developed. This is the justice creation method of the age. If the goal is justice, the most important thing in healthy marriages is whether the balance of love and justice is achieved."

"Marriage is built on honesty"

Marriage is built on honesty. To say that it changes after marriage is to deceive ourselves. Human beings are very adept at self-deception. Getting married brings new burdens, new responsibilities, and new relationship systems. In such cases, it is acting blindly to say, "It will pass in marriage."

"In our culture, they share the burden"

Emphasizing that responsibilities should be shared on the way to marriage, Tarhan concluded his remarks as follows: "For example, engaged couples go to the furniture store, and they quarrel when they choose furniture. This is a premarital test. Well, there is what the other side can do, and there is what they cannot do. There are those who can afford it, and there are those who do not. It is important that one can empathize well. It is normal for a person to want their house to be furnished well and beautifully, but it is also unfair to put one in a long debt for this. If he can afford it, it is the man's responsibility. It is the responsibility of the first degree. In other words, it is a very good tradition for us. It is like the bride’s side organizes the engagement and the groom's side organizes the wedding. It is like one is furnishing the house, and one is paying for the bedroom. In our culture, they share the burden. They share the burden without realizing it and it is not a big problem in such a case. This has become a cultural tradition. It solves a lot of problems. The fewer problems there are after marriage, the better the marriage is."

 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)