Grandparents make life enjoyable!

Pointing out the importance of the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren in child development, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "Smart mothers and fathers encourage their children to establish good relations with their grandparents. Their advising and guiding features enable children to look at life in a healthy way. The fact that grandparents give advice like a teacher and tell tales and are confidants at the same time, and are like family historians all these features make children love life. We also scientifically know and observe that children who have a close relationship with their grandparents have much more positive effects in terms of mental health."

Referring to the fact that the role of mother and father in the family and the roles of grandparents are different for the child, President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "This can actually create a great chance. We also scientifically know and observe that it has much more positive effects on children’s mental health, especially in close relationships with grandparents. Wise parents encourage their children to establish a good relationship with their grandparents. These relationships have risks, but they also have benefits. They are advising, have guiding qualities, and they are confidants at the same time while being like family historians, all these qualities make the child love life. The fact that grandparents give advice like a teacher and tell tales allows children to look at life in a healthy way." Stating that there is honesty and sincerity in the grandparents and grandchildren relationship where there is healthy, common love and common respect, Tarhan said that "It is very effective because it is sincere and because there is no expectation of interest there. In our culture, the greatest role in the relationships within the close family that problems can be solved by peace, not war, is learned by grandchildren from great-grandparents. They learn the outlook on life. Let's say that at home parents are shouting and yelling at each other, there is tension. Grandmother comes home and says something to her, she says something to that. Unable to manage the TV remote, the grandmother solves the great crisis. This is a great example for children. In this non-exemplary situation, the negativity in the home also affects the child negatively. Children who are afraid to get married are emerging."

The weakening of the social support of grandparents affects divorces...

Stating that one of the reasons for the increase in the divorce rate in the world is the weakening of the social support of the grandparents, Tarhan said that "Because they are the patriarch, the scholar, the teacher of the family. Without them, young people make mistakes. Tension arises at the very beginning of the marriage. Families in the past were also had tension. When there was a problem, grandparents guided them by saying 'my daughter, you should do this, my son, you should do that'. Now again there is respect for our society, there is a relationship, but the relations have weakened. As such, young people begin to exhaust each other and the marriage suffers. One of the reasons for the increase in the rate of divorce in Türkiye is the weakening of family ties."

Grandchildren relieve loneliness

Stating that retired elders, grandfathers and grandmothers feel lonely and that their greatest need is to eliminate their loneliness, Tarhan stated that "They feel alone while the greatest need of grandchildren is the need to ask questions. Parents are always busy. They cannot spare time if the child asks questions, but the grandparents can spare time, and the two complement each other. In this completion, if there is a warm relationship, the child becomes a family historian. She also learns about the family's history. If the grandfather tells his son about his memory of military service, he will get bored, but even if he tells his grandson ten times, the grandson will listen to him. Those past events, stories, narratives, past experiences are the seeds planted in the developing soul of the child. They have a positive effect on shaping the child's personality. In his developing soul, he is able to make it go in the good direction like a traffic sign. If you are given the wrong information, it can cause it to go in the wrong direction."

The family system must be respected

Emphasizing the importance of making grandchildren feel that "the door is always open", Tarhan continued his remarks as follows: "Grandmothers do not discredit the mother and father at all, they talk about the characteristics they believe that they are good. Even if they are at fault, they never bring up inappropriate topics in the presence of that child. It is important to respect the family system. They contact their grandchildren without hurting the parents' family rule-making, their rights and their leadership there. Having a picture of their grandchildren at home, on a mobile phone, is a good thing for both grandparents and grandchildren. Grandchildren feel valued and develop a sense of belonging. If they feel at home when they come to your grandparents’ house, there are already good relations there.

Wise mothers do not go to war with their mother-in-law

“Sometimes mothers complain especially about grandmothers because mothers say ‘they break the rules I set and make what I do useless.’ If there is such a situation, then wise mothers do not go to war with their mother-in-law at all. When she goes to war, the close relationship and life within the family deteriorates. If there is war, there is no winner. In close relationships, problems are not solved by war, but by guidance. In military culture, the problem-solving method is war, but in the civilian and family culture, the problem-solving method is not civil wars. Compromise is essential here. It needs to be a complementary relationship, not a competitive relationship. When you discredit grandparents in the presence of the child by saying, ‘You are educating my child incorrectly,’ you prevent this child from benefiting from a good resource in life. Such a situation affects the child's ability to solve problems at an advanced age, and affects the ability to eliminate loneliness."

Grandfather's house is an independent zone, you cannot interfere there

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan also gave advice to parents and emphasized that parents can act flexibly instead of being too prescriptive and gave the following examples: "For example, the mother applies her own rules in her own home, but when the child goes to the house of her grandmother and grandfather, it is an independent zone, she cannot interfere there. If the mother tries to manage the place as well, if you say 'please don't treat my child like that, the child's temper is deteriorating', the elders of the family will withdraw after a while. The child is also deprived of beauty. Let the child behave like that there, and when the child comes home, let the parents make their own house a normative environment."

The pool of love should be large

Pointing out that children who grow up in loving environment can establish quality relationships in adulthood, Tarhan stated that "If you receive plenty of love in childhood, the pool of love in you becomes large. Since your love capacity is wide, you accumulate and distribute love too much, and you can easily establish warm relationships. The relationship of love, respect, trust at a young age is effective in the developing soul of the child. If their pool of love is large, if the child has the capacity, they will manage emotions much better because they have the opportunity to fill that pool with new things in the future."

What should those who are deprived of the relationship of grandparents do

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan evaluated it as a great chance for children to have grandparents other than their parents and said that in the absence of this chance, children can compensate for this deprivation with many other close friends. Tarhan said that "The child can find people who replace the grandparents. Here, more responsibility falls on the mother and father. They should think that ‘If my mother were alive, how would she take care of her grandchild? What can I do to make up for it?' Let them tell the child about the memories of the grandparents and show them their pictures. Human beings learn some things by experiencing some things and telling stories. If we narrate the longing of the child, the child can also learn from the narratives of that mother. We can make it up. In the Holy Qur'an and other sacred texts, closely related kinship is glorified. In a manner of duty towards these close relatives, it is called ‘Sıla-i Rahim’. Sıla-i Rahim culture is a concept of compassion. With such feelings, we can easily describe close relationships and experiences. We are able to provide our children with good examples of this. The important thing is that the child grows up in this culture. Grandparents may not be physically there. However, with various memories, the child can somehow sample it and complete what is missing through storytelling."
 

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)