Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “Parenting style supports obstinacy”
Stating that obstinacy exists naturally in psychosocial development during childhood, experts say that everybody has a little bit of obstinacy within themselves. Stating that parenting style encourages obstinacy in children, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that “A child leans towards obstinacy in an oppressing environment as much as in an environment without rules, a child creates their own rights and insists on that rights.”. Referring to the emergence of obstinacy as a defense mechanism against uncertainty and the unknown, Tarhan emphasizes that there are fears of not being loved, not being valued or losing in the background of obstinacy.
President of Üsküdar University Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan informed on obstinacy and explained how to communicate with obstinate individuals.
Stubborn people have different value judgments
Stating that stubbornness is known as the insistence of a person on an idea regardless of whether it is right or wrong, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "If a person insists on an idea that is right, it is called determination. However, it is considered obstinacy to insist on something that is accepted by the general or known to be wrong according to the rules of logic, reasoning and psychology. The person does not accept it, but rejects it, opposes it, and resists it. That person often does not accept the evidence against them. Some people make obstinacy a personality trait. If a person thinks 'this person is stubborn, how should I approach this?' while talking to the other person, it means that stubbornness has become part of that person. In the mental background of these people, there are thoughts such as 'what I say is true, you have to accept my opinion'. The value judgments of these people are also different.".
Obstinacy seen in children is natural!
Pointing out that stubbornness exists naturally in the psychosocial development during childhood, Tarhan said that "After the child starts to walk and the sense of autonomy begins to develop, they see themselves in the center of the world through their own rights because the most selfish being in the world is children. This is called primary narcissism. This is a natural thing, and the child first loves themselves, then loves their caregivers. As the child grows, a child does not want to give up their self-love, but a child needs to learn to love not only themselves and their mother, but also other people, their siblings, their father, their friends, and to be flexible about them. A child needs to learn mental flexibility, to act appropriately to the situation.”.
Stubborn people are often left alone
Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, who expressed that stubborn people always want the world to revolve around themselves, stated that "Stubbornness is one of the most important behavioral dimensions of self-centeredness. When we look at people who are known to be obstinate, they are self-centered. This situation is the biggest enemy of communication skills, business life and marriage in human relations. Stubborn people are often left alone." Stating that stubborn people cannot tolerate criticism, Tarhan said that they only want to look at things from their own windows and are fed with praise.
They do not have flexibility of thought...
Pointing out that obstinate people do not have flexibility of thought, Tarhan said that "The counterpart of this situation in psychology is rigidity. If a person has a rigidity of thought, it is first looked at what it originates from. If it is caused by a disease, if it is a delusion, then medical treatment is required, medical approach should be taken. On the other hand, if it is not a delusion but a personality trait, it is looked at whether the person is doing it intentionally or unintentionally. Intention is important here. People sometimes have good intentions, know that what they are doing is right and insist on it.".
Passive stubborn individuals are more dangerous
Underlining that commanding approaches increase stubbornness, Tarhan said that "We see that the biggest factor in the emergence of stubbornness in people is the family environment. Children who grow up in oppressive, authoritarian, totalitarian, 'always me first' environments stubbornly want to continue their own existence if they have a sense of autonomy. Some children surrender. Sometimes they are even passive-aggressive, saying "Well, all right." There are some people, the treatment is very good but the action is zero. Thus, they say 'yes, of course’ to everything to their face. These people are also passive, stubborn and more dangerous. Active stubborn individuals are honest, they oppose, they object, they defend their opinions. However, passive stubborn individuals behave well but then do what they want to do. For example, the mother tells the child to 'study'. The child says, 'Of course mommy, I'm going to study,' but the child does not and even upsets their mother and enjoys it.".
When is obstinacy necessary?
Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, who stated that it is easier to communicate with active stubborn people because they are open and honest, said that "They express their ideas to be really understood. If we turn this into an ego war, both sides lose. The goal here is to find the best and most accurate truth for us. However, by doing so, it is necessary not to undermine the honor of the stubborn person. If you dishonor them, they see their personality structure of obstinacy as the solution.".
Stating that there is a stubborn core in everyone, Tarhan continued his remarks as follows: "Stubbornness is also necessary for a person to maintain their own psychological integrity. One has to defend their own truths. Without evidence to the contrary, without a convincing knowledge of the opposing view, it is right not to change those truths. However, if the other party is approached by saying 'I am a mother, you will do this, I am a father, you will do this' by using motherhood and fatherhood or your position at work, without giving reasons, by saying 'whatever I say will happen', there will be a temporary silence, calmness. In such cases, betrayal is fed, and the other side betrays at the first opportunity. For this reason, it turns out to be very traitor in oppressive environments. In oppressive cultures, hypocrites are very common. For example, why does not it come out in the West? Because people are open and transparent. Honesty is exalted there, but here in eastern societies, obedience is glorified. In all eastern societies, not only in Türkiye, obedience and loyalty are glorified. However, justice, openness and transparency are glorified in developed societies.".
Obstinacy is a defense mechanism against uncertainty and the unknown
Stating that obstinacy in children develops with resisting everything, Tarhan said that "When we look at these children, the way they are raised inflates this. This is not a genetic condition or disease. Just as in an oppressive environment the child leans toward obstinacy; however, the child creates their own truths and insists on those truths in an unregulated environment. This manifests as stubbornness. For example, if there is no environment with general basic values and basic rules such as you will brush your teeth and wash your hands before you leave the bathroom, the child will start to insist on their own truths. What bothers the human mind the most is uncertainty, not danger. Not knowing what will happen, uncertainty and the unknown are the biggest hidden traumas. Stubbornness is a defense mechanism against the unknown and uncertainty. These people try to protect their own truths. Stubborn people are therefore unfortunately also closed to innovation. You know the 21st century values of innovation and development. Anyone who is not innovative and progressive at this time will miss this century and live in history.".
Being judgmental feeds stubbornness
Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that there is usually the desire to dominate people such as 'power, authority, management' in making someone accept something in obstinacy and said that "When you are told against that desire, 'I do not approve, but I endure it for your sake, for your insistence, let you know this', the other party says they value me'. Emotional stubbornness is removed. Even if the verbal stubbornness continues, if one has good intentions, they will say 'I am being unfair'. Being able to understand the other side, looking at the event through its window, empathetic gaze stubbornness is the best solution. If a person says the wrong things without being stubborn, it means 'I am trying to understand you'. If you speak in the language of 'you' such as 'why are you doing this', stubbornness increases, it is necessary to speak with the language of 'I'. Stubbornness especially hides the emotional dimension. For example, you went home and the house is a mess. In this case, you say, "Whys is this house like that, I have been out all day, I came home, and it is a mess." This is to use an accusatory language, and it is judgmental towards the spouse. Judgmental and accusatory language creates a sense of defense on the other side. If he expresses his own feelings such as "I feel very bad when the house is messy when I come home" with the language of "I", the feeling of helping and trying to understand is awakened on the other side instead of a sense of defense. Therefore, speaking accusatory, judgmentally with the language of you inflates stubbornness.”.
Everyone is responsible for their own feelings
Stating that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, Tarhan said that "Human beings are not responsible for the feelings and behaviors of their spouse. When he tries to rule his wife, the other party's sense of freedom is damaged. Therefore, the other side will get defensive and say that ‘With three children, I have been exhausted all day, what should I do?’ When you say 'I feel bad', the other party usually stays silent in such situations. He does not react at that moment, he corrects it later. In some cases, he even tries to clean up the mess, which is more mature. Then more positive steps are taken by saying 'he understands my distress and tries to help me'. In such cases, a common solution should be produced by saying 'this is our common problem'. The relationship between men and women is a complementary relationship or it will not work anyway.".
Fears are behind stubbornness
Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "A house is the kingdom of the woman, and the man should make the woman feel that kingdom at home," and stated that otherwise the woman would feel bad and would have difficulty in owning the house. Tarhan said that in cases where the man leaves the decisions in the house to the woman, the woman loves the house more, takes care of the children more and prepares a better environment for her husband.
"If the man accepts that the wife has the last word in the house, there will be no ego wars. Why would there be stubbornness in that case? In the background of stubbornness, its unseen cause is like an iceberg. In the background, there are thoughts such as ‘they don't love me, don't value me, or have a fear of losing something they own’. There is a fear of being poor, of not being loved, of being alone. There is an indirect message behind it saying 'you have a difference in me, you should also care about me'. Contrary to popular belief, stubborn people are people with low confidence. Unfortunately, there is the oppression of men, women remain silent, throw themselves into it, so they go around from physician to doctor. Stomach disease, fainting disease always have difficulty in expressing emotions in the background. That would not happen if emotions could be talked about. Since this cannot be spoken, it comes out in the form of stubbornness or physical illness.".
Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)