Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: "The mother-child relationship is not like the slave-master relationship"

Underlining that there should be limits in human relations, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that it is not easy to determine personal boundaries and that it is necessary to express them appropriately to the other party. Stating that children need private space, Tarhan said that "Most mothers see their children as slaves, like the extension of their limbs. You can move your own arm and leg as you like, but your child is not your limb. The mother-child relationship is not like the slave-master relationship. This child is your child, but it does not belong to you, they are a separate individual. We call this the balance of individualization and integration.".

President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan made statements on the importance of individual boundaries within the family.

There needs to be boundaries in human relationships

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that there should be boundaries in human relations as well as the boundaries of houses, apartments and neighborhoods and continued "The measure of civilization is defined as human making tools and carving stones. In fact, a more important civilization than carving the stone is to make a fence. That is, it is to be able to draw boundaries with one's neighbor and other people. Those who can draw this line are civilized. Likewise, there need to be boundaries in human relationships. First of all, it is necessary to accept this in principle.".

Without boundaries, there would be no relationships based on respect and trust

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that people will have to fight constantly and that they cannot have relationships based on respect and trust if there are no boundaries and said "The children of people who grow up without limits, irresponsibility and insatiability learn without knowing the limits. The limits of the animal offspring, on the other hand, are genetically encoded in the brain. Man draws psychological boundaries, a person has free will, their own private spheres and territories.".

The child needs personal space

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "Children do not know personal space. They walk around naked. Parents need to teach privacy.". Tarhan stated that "If the private space is taught by telling the parents not to allow the touch of private areas where there is underwear on their body, including the parents, issues such as sexual violence, harassment and child abuse can be prevented." Underlining that families should not enter the children's room without knocking on the door and should not search their drawers and room, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "The child has a sense of private space, a need for private space. If its space gets snooped around, the children wants to run away from home as soon as possible. In such cases, a person cannot feel free, private space means the area where one feels safe.".

Children of controlling mothers begin to object in the future

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, who said that there were invading mothers included in everything, said, "We used to call these mothers 'helicopter mothers' and now we call them 'stopping mothers'. To such an extent that the child enters the toilet, knocks on the door, says to the child, ‘What are you doing?’ The children of such intrusive controlling mothers do not object to the mother until the age of 10, but when individualization begins, they begin to feel both love and anger for the mother. This time the mother says 'this child was my 3rd arm before and now they are rebelling against me'. If the child has a sense of autonomy, there is even greater conflict. If the child does not have a sense of autonomy, they obey in the moment, and after puberty, they defy their mother and father.".

Most mothers see their children as slaves

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that there should be boundaries between children and mothers as well as between spouses, "The mother-child relationship is not like the slave-master relationship. Most mothers see their children as slaves, as an extension of their limbs and they accept them to sit down or get up when they want. You can move your own arm and leg as you like, but your child is not your limb. This child is your child, but your child does not belong to you. They are a separate individual. We call it the balance of individualization and integration."

They begin to learn about relationships after the age of 1

Noting that children can be raised with strict boundaries as well as not knowing their limits, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "If we start from someone who does not know their limits, such people cannot learn everything from the mother and father especially if they are in social life. Therefore, the child now needs to learn human relations after the age of 3, or even when the child starts to walk after the age of 1. If you gather 1-year-old children in a room, when someone cries, they all start crying, why? Because a child has empathy, but they have not learned the limits of empathy. When a child cries, they think that their pain is their own. That's why a child starts crying. However, when they grow, a child goes to the crying child and helps them, tries to understand why. The child learns that limit at a young age.".

Social contact is the best way to learn the limits!

Emphasizing that the best way to learn the limits is social contact, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the children of isolated families living apart from the world could not develop their social skills and could not be successful in human relations. Tarhan said that "Either they are always extreme or they are shy with low self-confidence. If the person has a lot of self-confidence, one enters the limits of everyone.".

Underlining that it is not easy to determine personal boundaries and that it is necessary to express them appropriately to the other party, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said that "Sometimes even the facial expression shows personal boundaries without saying anything. For example, the child looks at their mother, there are some parents who do not have an expression of emotion. It is the thing we encounter the most, and their expression does not show sadness or joy. The child also cannot understand which one is right, behaves as they wish. So, the mother gets angry with the child. In such cases, when the child is upset, express your feeling, and when your child makes a mistake, express the wrongness of it to them in an appropriate language.".

If there is inconsistency, the child cannot learn social boundaries

Prof. Nevzat Tarhan stated that people with low emotional expressions cannot draw boundaries and that boundaries are drawn not only by talking but also by body language and behaviors and said that "When the child feels that they are not approved, the child looks at them with their eyes and understands that it is not approved from his mother's expression. If the mother has good leadership over her child, she will withdraw herself. If the mother's leadership is not good, if she says it differently in the morning, says it differently in the evening, kisses it in the morning and says 'why did I give birth to you' in the evening, the child does not refer to the mother. A regular, consistent, continuous relationship is required to be able to reference the mother and father. If there is inconsistency, the child cannot learn social boundaries.".

Tarhan said, "I even know that families walk around the house with the toilet door open in their beach clothes. The child goes out in the same way that social boundaries are not taught to the child, he has not learned. In these cases, usually when I look at it, the parents have good intentions but cannot teach the child, there is a problem of facial expression. The child does not understand, it is necessary to say. It is possible to say the crudest thing, the most painful thing to a person in the gentlest way. If a bitter truth is to be told in such cases, it is necessary to sit down and think about how I can say 'how can I say my wife without hurting my child?'" and underlined that when the child is approached in this way, he will not perceive the behavior of their parents as an unjustified attack. "If the child understands it as an unjustified attack, they will be stubborn, resentful, let go under, want revenge, or some will go into the opposite identity in adolescence.”.

When the dose is missed, social phobia may occur in the child

Stating that children see all kinds of good and bad things due to social media, the Internet and open doors in the house, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said, "In such cases, it is even more difficult to raise children and teach social boundaries. It is said that 'Tolerate, don't obey anyone, say no', and these are actually beautiful things. However, the child will have cowardice, social anxiety and social phobia when you miss the dose of that. When you enter the crowd, you might feel that everyone is going to make fun of you in social phobia. It prevents entrepreneurship and taking risks. At this time, assertiveness, entrepreneurship and risk-taking are important in social and business life.".

If you raise the child in a principled way, the child will neither oppress nor being oppressed

Expressing anger is like a flame within us, Prof. Nevzat Tarhan completed his remarks as follows: "We are investigating whether there is already a model of anger for children in a household with children. If one of the parents handles the problems by shouting and yelling in anger when they cannot solve the problems, if such a method has developed at home, the child learns this as a problem-solving method. In the future, anger management also damages human relationships, makes mistakes and gets angry as they socialize. He cannot control their anger in the presence of those close to them, they can control it outside. This is actually cruelty to their spouse and family. When learning about social limits, human conscientious norms are also important. A person without conscientious norms persecutes the weak and fears the strong. In their mind map, there is a mislearning as ‘obey the strong and oppress the weak’. This is what happens if you raise your child in a self-interest focused manner, but if you raise your child in a principle-oriented way, they will neither being oppress nor oppress you.".

Üsküdar News Agency (ÜNA)