Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, participated online in the seminar on “Family Communication” held within the scope of the 2025 Family Year and Parent Academies Project, organized in cooperation with Adalar District National Education Directorate and Üsküdar Üniversitesi. Tarhan explained the key points of family communication and what needs to be considered in parent-child relationships. Emphasizing that education is an ecosystem and family education should not be left solely to parents, Tarhan stated that declaring 2025 as the Year of the Family is very important.
“Focusing on the family is vital”
Emphasizing that education is an ecosystem, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “Declaring 2025 as the Year of the Family was very important. Although late, it was a very timely move. The Ministry of National Education's focus on the family is a vital issue. We live in a time when the world has changed, our children have changed. Each of our children is a student. Therefore, we cannot leave family education solely to mothers and fathers. Education is an ecosystem. In this ecosystem, the first circle consists of mothers, fathers, and children. The second circle is education and close friendships. In the third circle comes school life. As the circle grows, friends emerge during adolescence. As it expands further, business life, social life, and relationships with the opposite sex come to the forefront. All of these need to grow just like a sapling.”
“One-third of personality structure is innate, two-thirds are learned later”
Stating that two periods in human life are very important for brain development, Tarhan said; “During these periods, the family plays an important role. One is between 0-3 years old and the other is between 12-15 years old. The brains of young people, children, are booming. Just like in spring, all trees suddenly turn green and flowers bloom within 2-3 weeks. The brain undergoes a tremendous synaptic burst. The pathways in the brain develop rapidly, and the environment prunes them. Mother, father, teacher prune them. This also happens during adolescence. The person forms their own identity. Their own personality structure is formed. One-third of the personality structure is innate, and two-thirds are learned later. For this reason, the family is an environment that touches and develops the child's soul. It also provides an environment that develops their personality, behaviors, and how they will be in life.”
“If there is loose and inconsistent discipline, a healthy child does not grow up”
Addressing the importance of learning social and emotional skills, Tarhan said; “A child needs to learn social and emotional boundaries in life. Just as toilet training is necessary, so is the training of social and emotional skills. Research has identified 400 ‘yes’ or ‘no’ words when educating children. When raising children, 90 percent of parents say ‘no,’ and 10 percent say ‘yes.’ It is necessary to balance this well. In fact, parents do this with good intentions to protect the child. In some families, the opposite happens. They never say no to the child. They raise the child to be spoiled and without limits. In such cases, the child is thought to be hyperactive. This is a false hyperactivity. It is a discipline error. It is referred to as ‘lax discipline’ in the literature. If there is lax and inconsistent discipline, a healthy child does not grow up. When such a child grows up and enters adolescence, they already become the small ruler of the house. They become the leader of the house. As a result, child-dominated families multiply.”
“Discipline and advice are like snowfall”
Emphasizing the importance of parenting practices in child education, Tarhan said; “Parents, when raising children in this era, need to grasp the language the child understands, rather than relying on what they themselves learned. Parents who spend quality time with their child often develop themselves too. They grow together with the child. Previously, there were extended families, and when young people made mistakes, grandmothers and grandfathers would intervene. There was leading, wise grand-motherhood and grand-fatherhood. Now they are gone. This time, the child grows up in the family through trial and error. If there is a measure of motherhood and fatherhood styles, the child can be taught where to stand. If you squeeze too much, it will slip away like soap. If you leave it too loose, it will also slip away. There should be a sweet discipline. Consistent discipline is important. Discipline and advice are like snowfall. If it is slow and continuous, it sticks. It is the same in education...”
It is necessary to recognize personal space during adolescence…
Explaining the reasons for introversion during adolescence, Tarhan said; “A child who is depressed withdraws. Some children who are in love also withdraw. The behavior of intense infatuation (‘kara sevda’) and addiction is the same. Someone in love thinks only of that person for 59 out of 60 minutes. They ask, ‘What did they eat, what did they drink, what did they do?’ Adolescence is also the period of high school crushes. Substance addiction has the same effect on the brain because it affects the same region of the brain. In both love and substance addiction, the same reward system in the brain is disrupted. When the reward system is disrupted, the person isolates themselves from the outside world, closes their curtains, and doesn't leave their room. If this lasts long, it is necessary to investigate the risk of suicide or the child's emotional obsessions and fixations. Or, in some cases, it is an education error. Here, the parents are very intrusive and controlling. We call it an ‘invading mother.’ In fact, we used to call it a helicopter parent. Now we call it a drone parent. The child goes to the toilet, and the mother knocks on the door, asking, ‘What are you doing?’ That is, the dose of control has exceeded limits. This is considered childhood trauma. Such children lock themselves in their rooms so that no one can enter. Because when the child was not around, the mother searched all the drawers. She controlled everything, searched the cell phone. This child does not feel free. However, during adolescence, it is necessary to recognize personal space. It is necessary to grant the right to make mistakes unless they make a big one. When you don't do this, the child is also well-intentioned towards their parents, and knowing they are loved, they withdraw to avoid hurting them. Therefore, if such a situation exists, instead of lecturing the child, it is necessary to discuss their interests.”
“Travel companions have a common goal”
Stating that children can grow up healthy even in single-parent families, Tarhan said; “Single-parent families are considered the most fragile household in terms of household vulnerability. Families with five members are healthy, while single-parent families are more fragile. Here, I have seen and continue to see many children who grow up healthy with a single parent. Therefore, one should not act with the prejudice that a child raised by a single parent will be unhealthy. There are mothers who establish a very beautiful relationship with their child. The child grows up healthy. In fact, parents should establish a companionship with their child. When we say ‘be friends with your child,’ we don't mean ‘be overly familiar.’ Be travel companions. Travel companions have a common goal. On the way to that goal, there is consultation and deliberation. There is talking together and sharing together. If we can establish such a relationship, the child can grow up beautifully even if they are in a single-parent family.”
“Children follow parents' footsteps, not their words”
Stating that children emulate their parents' behaviors, Tarhan said; “Children follow parents' footsteps, not their words. They take their state and behaviors as examples. The more memories parents accumulate with their child, the more the child grows by experiencing beautiful things. This is written as a script on the child's developing soul. When the child grows up, new actors enter these scripts. For example, when they enter adolescence, when they get married, other actors enter. If we have raised a child with mental flexibility, they rewrite those childhood scripts. Because these scripts are living scripts. They need to be constantly renewed. ‘If you say, I have a fixed template script I learned from my mother and father in my childhood, I cannot go outside of it,’ you will break. You cannot be flexible. For example, a Teflon pan is not flexible; it breaks when forced and goes to the trash, but rubber is flexible and returns to its original state. This is a metaphor we use for psychological resilience.”
“Lifelong love emerges in such marriages”
Likening marriage to the combination of hydrogen and oxygen, Tarhan said; “Before marriage, both parties should administer the Marriage Maturity Scale. This scale has 4-5 parameters related to whether a person is ready for marriage. For example, if a person says, ‘I will both get married and live as I please,’ they cannot form a marriage. That is, for a person to have marriage maturity, they must have marital fidelity. They need to know what the concept of marriage is. In fact, in this regard, I give the example of oxygen and water. Water is H2O. It is formed by the combination of hydrogen and oxygen. Hydrogen and oxygen roam freely in the atmosphere. When the two come together, freedom goes away, but a source of life is formed. Because it creates a purpose. That is, a life-giving source is formed. Now, marriage is something like this. That is, both parties will marry, but after marriage, they will no longer look at life with two eyes and two ears. They will look with four eyes and four ears. If this happens, that marriage becomes a tremendous marriage. It becomes a wonderful marriage, and lifelong love emerges in such marriages. This marriage maturity is important. It is better for a person without marriage maturity not to marry because this time, bigger problems arise. If they made it mandatory for everyone to take this test before marriage in this family year, the family year would have accomplished a tremendous feat.”
“We need to manage instead of banning”
Stating that instead of opposing technology, its correct use should be taught, Tarhan said that technology itself is inherently neutral, and opposing and banning it would not be correct. Tarhan said, “Some families ban it. When a child first encounters technology, they lose control. We need to manage this instead of banning it. In fact, cell phones have gained such features compared to 5-10 years ago that they are only called ‘phones’ but are no longer just phones. A cell phone has 64 functions. From videos to taking photos, it has many functions. This has now become like an organ of ours. That is, it has become like glasses, shoes, clothes. Therefore, instead of opposing it, it is necessary to teach how to use it appropriately. If we teach this to children from an early age, they adapt easily. It is necessary to start this at an early age. Since children under 6 are dependent on and in need of their parents, if parents take a clear stance and use a common language, the child quickly recovers and improves.”
“We need to act according to the principle of equality within the family”
Stating that a horizontal coalition should be established in the family, Tarhan said; “Our child is first a human being, then a boy or a girl. It is necessary to know that. First, they are a human being, a separate individual. Basic life lessons and skills are given equally to both. Issues related to sexual identity are learned specially. For example, for children, their parents are their heroes. A girl child is usually more inclined towards the father. A boy child is more attached to the mother. There is such a genetic tendency. In this relationship, the behavior of the girl or boy changes according to the attitude of the mother and father. If in a family the mother favors one daughter, and the father favors another daughter, or the father favors one child and the mother favors another child, there is a vertical relationship in the family. In a family with a vertical relationship, there is a vertical coalition. However, there should be a horizontal coalition. Parents will develop a common language. Children will solve problems among themselves. If not resolved, they will come together. Therefore, if there is a vertical relationship within the family, if the mother favors one child and the father favors another child, there will be no peace in that home. There will be silence, but with adolescence, children become hostile towards their parents. In some cases, both love and anger develop towards the parents. For this reason, we need to act according to the principle of equality within the family.”
This is how a peaceful family emerges…
Explaining the key formula for a happy family, Tarhan said; “Apply these 5 S's in the family, and a happy family will emerge. The first S is ‘sevgi’ (love), but there is a concept even greater than love. It is referred to as unconditional love, compassion. The second S is ‘saygı’ (respect). If love is water, respect is like its vessel. There is also a more advanced form of respect, which is ‘nezaket’ (courtesy/kindness). The third S is ‘sadakat’ (loyalty/fidelity). These are actually the foundations of marriage maturity. ‘Sadakat’ has two meanings. One is to be loyal, meaning not to betray. The second comes from the word ‘sıdk,’ meaning truthfulness. There should be no lies in a close relationship. If there are no lies within the family, trust is formed. When trust is formed, loyalty is formed. Open, transparent relationships are the greatest need of marriage. Accountability is important here. The fourth S is ‘sabır’ (patience). Since this era is an age of speed, haste and impatience are very common. Perhaps there has not been an era in human history where it was so widespread. Many problems arise from this. The most used skill by successful people is the skill of patience. There are two kinds of patience. One is negative patience, the other is positive patience. Negative patience involves enduring bad moments and bad days. Positive patience, on the other hand, is the patience to defer while thinking about one's goal and great future opportunities when going towards that goal. This is active, goal-oriented patience. The fifth S is ‘samimiyet’ (sincerity/intimacy). There are two concepts within sincerity. One is ‘içtenlik’ (heartfeltness/earnestness) and the other is ‘şükran’ (gratitude). A sincere person is heartfelt. Sincere people can establish positive communication. These rules are family values. If you apply them, be sure that your home will be a tremendous nest of trust, a peaceful home. This is how a peaceful family emerges.”