Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “We cannot strengthen the family without fixing the problems that destroy it”

The second online interview program with Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, President of Üsküdar University, was held within the scope of the “365 Gün Aile” Project, supported by the General Directorate of Civil Society Relations of the Ministry of Interior, with the scientific consultancy of Üsküdar University and executed by the Valuable Lives Education Association (DEHADER). The interview covered the importance of building trust in family mentorship, empathetic communication, healthy communication methods with children, and the effects of digitalization on family structure. Stating, “We cannot strengthen the family without fixing the problems that destroy it,” Tarhan drew attention to the fact that the weakening of social and conscientious norms protecting the family increases violence, lack of empathy, and communication problems. Tarhan also emphasized the importance of being a role model within the family, correctly guiding children’s potential, and strengthening family values.

The online interview was moderated by Mine Yeter from DEHADER.

“Building a trust relationship is very important”

Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, drawing attention to the importance of trust in family mentorship, stated: “Building a trust relationship in family mentorship is very important. That is, the mentor should be able to make the other party feel, ‘This person listens to me without judging, is by my side even if I make mistakes, tries to understand me, and cares about what I feel.’ This is called therapeutic alliance, or forming a trust alliance. This is one of the cornerstone elements of the critical concepts of family mentorship. The other important issue is to ask questions rather than give advice and to prepare a ground that will allow the other party to ask questions. Asking questions is one of the most important parts of growth. Mentors are people who make others ask questions, not those who ask them.”

“It is necessary to act with a teachable moments approach”

Tarhan emphasized the importance of being a role model in mentorship: “It is important for mentors to be role models rather than giving advice. That is, when an event occurs, it is necessary to act with a teachable moments approach. For example, by setting an example by displaying a correct approach during moments of anger… This does not mean being together constantly. In one-on-one mentorship, we generally recommend dedicating one hour, one day a week. The person takes notes and records their observations during that week, then they meet once a week to discuss these and evaluate problems. In family mentorship, we recommend intra-family sessions. It is beneficial for family members to come together for a session once a week.”

“The mentor’s greatest teaching will be empathetic communication”

Tarhan, referring to the decisive role of empathetic communication within the family, said: “The mentor’s greatest teaching will be empathetic communication. Empathetic communication is two-way communication. One of the most common mistakes parents make today is establishing one-way communication. An approach such as lecturing, preaching, and constantly giving advice is adopted. This, however, does not yield much benefit. After a while, the child closes their walls. Communication should be in the form of dialogue, not monologue. It is important for the mentor to teach this, and they can often do so as a role model. Another important role of the mentor is to discover the person’s potential. For example, in such situations, how is the person’s analytical thinking, do they have an inclination towards art, is their social intelligence strong, or how is their introspective intelligence or spiritual sensitivity? They observe these. It strengthens the person’s strong points, helps them gain self-confidence, but at the same time ensures that they do not disconnect from other areas. Here, especially for adolescents, it is necessary to leave a controlled space for making mistakes. Because never making mistakes is not a healthy situation. Adolescence is considered a normal schizophrenic period in many schools of psychology. That is, adolescents have the right to make mistakes, but this must be controlled. Big mistakes should not include behaviors like not coming home, lying, or substance abuse. Instead, they should take small risks, make mistakes, for example, be able to break something while repairing it and see the consequences. These contribute to the person’s development. Otherwise, the person might become someone who asks their parents about everything, becomes approval-dependent, has difficulty making decisions, and has low self-confidence. If there is a deficiency in this regard within the family, the mentor’s duty is to work on and support this area.”

4 fundamental norms protecting humanity… 

Tarhan, evaluating the concept of “the family as the last refuge”, said: “There are 4 fundamental norms that protect society and humanity. These norms also protect the order of society. The first are legal norms, i.e., legal norms. Behaviors such as paying attention to traffic rules and not stealing are within this scope. For example, stopping at a red light is also included. These are legal norms that protect society. The second are social norms. Traditions, customs, and cultural standards taught by society fall into this group. These are ethical standards and are learned socially. The third norm is family norms, meaning family values. Today, with the effect of rapid digitalization, the family has become the open door of the house. Social media has become the threshold of the house. Therefore, cultural transmission is now often carried out by social media and digital friendships, not by the family. The rate of face-to-face communication among young people has dropped to 20-30 percent according to world statistics. Previously, this rate was at 60-70-80 percent levels. A very rapid transformation has occurred in the last five years. While parents used to not be able to get their children home from the street, today they find it difficult to get them outside. This rapid transformation has also affected family norms. The fourth norm is conscientious norms. While laws determine legal norms, traditions determine social norms, and family values determine family norms, moral values determine conscientious norms. There are universal moral values. For example, the principle ‘Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself’… These moral norms have also begun to weaken today. Conscientious norms prevent a person from committing hidden evil. While social norms mostly prevent overt wrongs, conscientious norms are related to a person’s sense of accountability.” 

“We cannot strengthen the family without fixing the problems that destroy it”

Tarhan stated that in order to strengthen the family, existing problems must first be solved: “Currently, we cannot strengthen the family without fixing the problems that destroy it. Because there is a leak in the system, the system is leaking water, and that leak needs to be repaired first. The norms protecting the family have weakened, and when conscientious norms also weaken, violence, mercilessness, and lack of empathy emerge. When the diagnosis is wrong, the treatment is also wrong. There is a rule in medicine: the 3T rule. Diagnosis, treatment, and follow-up. First, you will make the correct diagnosis, then apply treatment, and then follow the process. Problems must also be approached with this perspective. This is what we mean by the family being the last refuge. Regarding the protection of the family, the Presidency had declared last year the Year of the Family, and then extended it to ten years. This was a very important step, but its content also needs to be filled correctly.” 

“Because their sense of autonomy is high, they can oppose their parents”

Tarhan, addressing the most common problems encountered in family counseling: “One of the most frequent problems we encounter in family counseling and therapy is that adults do not listen to their children and try to impose their own ideas on them. Especially when children pass the age of 10 and their bonds with their parents begin to weaken, some develop a defiant attitude. Because their sense of autonomy is high, they can oppose their parents. Some children, however, become obedient, saying yes to everything. But when they gain their independence, they can completely break away from the family. They can develop both love and anger towards their parents at the same time. Hz. Ali, 1400 years ago, said: ‘Play with your children until they are 5, be their friend until they are 15.’ The friendship here refers to being a companion, a 'refik'. Companionship refers to a relationship that complements each other, walking together towards a common goal. This should not be understood as a frivolous friendship. He says, ‘After 15, consult with them.’ This is truly very powerful and concise information.”