Experts state that the 0-3 age period and adolescence are ‘two periods of rapid development in human life’. Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan spoke about the stages of adolescence, stating that children of overly protective and permissive parents want to remain children. Tarhan said, “These individuals are in such a contradiction; they cannot let go of childhood emotions. Thus, children who never grow up but look like adults emerge. This condition is called ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’,” describing this recently common syndrome. Tarhan explained that with a balance of responsibility and freedom, families and children can experience adolescence harmoniously.
Teach the child to be the captain of their own life ship
Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan provided information about adolescence and prolonged adolescence. Tarhan stated that in addition to its known stages, adolescence can sometimes extend from 22 to 40 years of age, a period referred to as ‘prolonged adolescence,’ and offered tips and advice to families on observing their children.
Adolescence, in some cases, extends up to 8-10 years
Starting his words by reminding that adolescence is a period we all go through, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “There are two periods of rapid development in human life. One is between 0-3 years old, and the other is adolescence. Early adolescence lasts from 12-14, middle adolescence from 15-17, and late adolescence until 17-21 years of age. The period of maturity begins at 22. Adolescence lasts 2-3 years in some children, and up to 8-10 years in others.” Tarhan noted that late adolescence is physiological and acceptable, adding, “There are adolescents who continue until 40 years of age after 22, and these become clinical cases. They lack marriage maturity or work maturity. They are not productive. Such cases have recently increased in literature. We are experiencing another side effect of modernism.”
Adolescence is abandoning childhood comfort, it is a process of mourning, a loss
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that with the advancement of technology in modern life, life has become easier and many things are readily available, saying, “Previously, young people matured through hardship; now they have to mature amidst abundance. They obtain many things easily, without effort or fatigue. Parents also act overly protective and permissive. In such situations, children don't want to grow up. Because ending childhood means abandoning many childhood comforts. It is a process of mourning, a loss. The person needs to experience that process.”
The condition of adult-looking children who never grow up is called ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’
Tarhan stated that the first step of individuation is giving up breastfeeding, emphasizing that some continue to breastfeed far beyond the normal age, even during adolescence, and this disrupts the social rhythm called individuation. Tarhan underlined that when the social rhythm is disrupted, types of men or women who never grow up emerge, stating, “Pains, difficulties, and troubles are part of growing up. One must leave childhood conformism and enter adolescent responsibility, abandoning many comforts. As one grows, responsibility increases. One needs to learn the balance between responsibility and freedom. They are dependent on their parents for freedom but also want to live as they please. In such a contradiction, they cannot let go of childhood emotions. Thus, adult-looking children who never grow up emerge. This condition is called ‘Peter Pan Syndrome.’ This name is that of a fairy tale character, a beautiful and dramatized form of prolonged adolescence. In fact, a psychotherapist has a book about this called ‘Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Never Grow Up.’
Some parents expect forty-year-old human maturity from adolescents
Tarhan noted that the period of adolescence, also called puberty, is referred to as ‘normal schizophrenic period’ in psychology, stating, “Our Prophet has a beautiful hadith, said 1444 years ago; ‘Puberty is a branch of madness.’ While an adolescent was so beautifully described then, now some parents expect forty-year-old human maturity from adolescents. Some also expect nothing from adolescents. Children remain children as long as no responsibility is expected of them.”
Adolescents need to be given the right to make mistakes
Tarhan stated that adolescents might exhibit running away from home, self-harm tendencies, or turning to substance abuse or violence, saying, “If a 40-year-old were to do what an adolescent does, they would be declared ill and hospitalized, but for an adolescent, it is normal. Therefore, adolescents need to be given the right to make mistakes. Parents should not panic if adolescents defy or object to them. Or, if overly suppressed, an adolescent might become quiet, withdrawn, and speechless, but they will leave home the first chance they become independent. They take on roles completely opposite to their parents, adopt inverse identities, and choose universities in different cities to break away from home. Unconsciously, they take revenge on their parents. When we examine most of those who say, ‘My child became a deist, my child became this or that,’ we actually see that children develop inverse identities. Sometimes, in overly modernist families, we see children starting to pray during adolescence. The child shocks and satisfies their parents.” He warned.
Parents will be companions to the child on the path of life
Warning families, Tarhan said, “In such situations, parents will not be like engineers shaping the child. Parents will be companions to the child on the path of life. They will ask, consult, and decide together. There is no bossiness in companionship. Bossiness is what adolescents hate most. You tell adolescents your opinion, saying, ‘This is my opinion,’ but you leave the final decision to them. If this happens, the adolescent will accept it if the parents’ words are right. However, if you say it by emotional blackmail, saying, ‘I will not forgive my parental right,’ the child will feel guilt, love, and anger. If the child hates their parents, they will hate life. Therefore, if we cannot make the home a warm environment, we will lose our adolescents.”
Transition to adulthood is a risk-taking process
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Children who have not completed their adolescence make many mistakes and easily fall into pleasure traps. In their search for excitement, they miss many opportunities.” He continued, “Adolescence is like a poisonous apple; the moment it is eaten, stomach pains begin. At the end of those pains, one matures, and many changes occur in their life. These are part of growing up. We cannot raise a child without overcoming these periods. Therefore, the child will be sad, cry, experience the storms of entering adolescence, be subjected to peer pressure among friends, get into fights, be beaten, get cold, sweat, tremble, and as a result, will grow. Without taking risks, a child cannot overcome adolescence and become an adult. Transition to adulthood is a risk-taking process.”
Parenting is teaching the child to be the captain of their own life ship
Tarhan drew attention to the issue with these words, stating that the most significant factor preventing the transition to adolescence recently is computer games: “The child gets engrossed in computer games and satisfies their sense of achievement there. In the virtual gaming arena, there is a false world where dozens of people compete, rank, and satisfy their sense of accomplishment. They play games all day, experiencing these things. Some even play for 18 hours. Parents cannot bear to discipline their child, and a child emerges who cannot manage or regulate their emotions. Thus, the child remains a child and cannot develop. These individuals cannot take responsibility in life or lead. One who cannot lead themselves cannot lead others. They cannot marry either. Both motherhood and fatherhood are leadership. True parenting is teaching the child to manage themselves. It is teaching the child to be the captain of their own life ship. It is not about feeding, clothing, or sheltering, but preparing the child for life. Therefore, it is not about showing them only the beautiful, comfortable, and prosperous days of life, but also showing them the realities of life and preparing them for it.”
There are situations where young people also need to say no without disrespecting their parents
Tarhan continued his words by stating that a child cannot grow without taking risks:
“They will take that risk. Parents will control from a distance. If parents constantly hover over the child like gendarmes, the child expects everything ready. When not given, they shake their parents. Such protective mothers condemn the child to childhood. Sometimes, we see that parents are not aware of this situation and tell the young person to practice their ability to say no to their parents. When the child says ‘no,’ the mother says, ‘Oh! my child has grown up.’ Therefore, it is important for young people to say ‘no’ without disrespecting their parents. If they use phrases like, ‘Mom, I can do it, I will succeed, please trust me,’ and firmly say ‘no’ in a sweet tone, parents understand that the child has grown and begin to respect their privacy and create distance.”
Children are the work of their parents
Tarhan concluded his remarks with the following advice to families: “Is there a better investment than raising a good child? Therefore, we need to make time to learn how to communicate with children. Children are the work of their parents. It is essential to know this. To create a good work, one needs to invest. The greatest investment is dedicating time and guiding them while respecting their personality.”