Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan states that the healthy and secure bond between mother and child is reflected in the child's behavior, emphasizing the importance of the mother spending quality time with the child. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan states that the child should never be lied to under any circumstances and that separation anxiety from the mother must be overcome. "When the mother goes to work, she must tell the child that she is going to work and will return home in the evening," says Prof. Dr. Tarhan, warning that "Children express their problems through behavioral language. Thumb sucking, bedwetting, and nail biting behaviors arise due to anxiety."
Anxiety leads to problematic behavior in children!
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar University and psychiatrist, shared important insights and advice on the AKRA FM Marriage School program regarding the mother-child relationship and the problems that arise in this relationship.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that problems may arise from time to time in the relationship between mother and child, and that some mothers may experience certain reactions from their children when they return to work after taking a break due to childbirth.
Children express their problems through behavioral language
Noting that children may engage in behaviors such as nail biting and picking at their cuticles after their mother returns to work, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Nail biting is used as a stress reduction technique in older age. The brain does this automatically when there is anxiety. Children aged 4-5 usually cannot express their problems verbally, so they express them through behavior. For example, wetting the bed, crying frequently, or coming to their mother at night. These reactions indicate that the child has high anxiety."
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that behaviors such as thumb sucking, nail biting, and bedwetting can also occur if the child observes someone else doing them, saying, "The child may choose a model. The child may turn to this as a technique to relieve their unhappiness. They may also reinforce this behavior when it attracts attention."
Separation anxiety from the mother must be overcome
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children must experience and overcome separation anxiety, saying, "If the mother addresses a problem in her child, for example, saying 'don't bite your nails,' the child thinks, 'My mother cares about me, she loves me.' This is negative attention. It is a method developed by the child to get their mother to pay attention to them in order to alleviate their loneliness. Here, negative attention is better than no attention at all. The child may hurt themselves, make their mother yell, and feel relieved. The greatest trauma is being ignored."
Noting that some behavioral disorders that emerge during adolescence are caused by hidden depression, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Adolescents' ability to express their feelings is not yet developed. They cannot say, 'I have a problem, I'm feeling down.' Because they cannot analyze 'Why am I feeling down?', they develop a method to relieve their anxiety. They try to attract their mother’s attention.”
In the struggle with the child, the mother is the losing party
Noting that some mothers hover behind their children with food in their hands, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "In such situations, i.e., the struggle over eating or not eating, the child sees the mother's attention as a game. When the mother stubbornly persists in such situations, she is often the losing party. If the mother makes the child feel that she is concerned and cares about them, the child unconsciously focuses more on that behavior. This is called the 'reverse effort rule'. According to this rule, if you tell a group of people 'don't think about a pink elephant', the more they try not to think about it, the more they think about it. But here, if you change the focus of attention, you can stop thinking about it. If the mother disapproves of a child's behavior, instead of saying "Don't do that," she should say, "I'm leaving now; I can't sit with a child who does that," to make the child feel that she disapproves of that behavior."
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, noting that negative attention reinforces unwanted behavior, said, "It is important to guide the child toward positive behavior."
Quality time should involve the child being listened to very well
Noting that working mothers must spend quality time with their children during the day, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "A mother may have to work, but it is very important that she sets aside time, even if it is only 5-10 minutes, to spend quality time with her child. The most satisfying moments for the child are when there is eye contact, when the mother reads something together with the child and explains it to them. During these times, for example, it is necessary to read a story to the child, have them explain it, and listen patiently."
Children who are silenced become socially phobic in the future
Pointing out that some mothers unfortunately do not listen to their children patiently, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Some mothers talk and talk, and the child remains silent. Later on, the child becomes socially phobic or has difficulty speaking and cannot express themselves. However, a child who asks questions is a good child. If the child asks questions, they are learning. They are not suppressing or bottling things up. We need to ensure that the child is able to speak."
Drawing attention to the fact that dreaming is suppressed as a culture in our society, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan warned, "This is our weak point. We need to change this. If we don't change this, it will become a culture of obedience."
Children acquire these behaviors as a coping mechanism
Comparing behaviors such as nail biting and thumb sucking to addiction, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that in addiction, the reward-punishment system in the brain is disrupted, stating, "The child acquires this as a kind of relaxation method. The brain compensates for the decreasing need for serotonin in this way. After a while, it turns into addiction. Addiction is a brain disease. You reward the brain center with a substance, and a false sense of comfort is created. In fact, addiction is now called reward deficiency syndrome. In these cases, addiction treatment is not complete without stabilizing the chemical balance in the brain."
Today, trust is the foundation of education, fear is the exception
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who stated that forcing a child to do something triggers a defensive feeling, said, "It is not right to force them in matters that do not pose a life-threatening danger. In the classical education system, fear was the norm, trust the exception. Now trust is the norm, fear the exception. Things that can be done by scaring someone might be situations like suddenly running into the street or approaching the stove and putting themselves in danger, but threatening a 1-year-old child with fear if they have an accident is very harmful."
Children should not be frightened with religious concepts
Stating that scaring children with religious concepts also carries many risks, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "These threats can confuse the child. You cannot correct a child by scaring them. Punishment is for exceptional circumstances."
In cases of maternal deprivation syndrome, the child cries constantly
Noting that thumb sucking behavior, which usually appears in early childhood, is seen in children who are not breastfed, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "Won't there be oral fixation when a pacifier is given? That's not the issue. The child's greatest psychological need at that moment is the need for security. For the need for security to arise, there must be a feeling that life is safe and the future is secure. What happens in maternal deprivation syndrome? The child cries constantly. They feel fear and anxiety. They experience childhood depression. When someone approaches them, the child stops crying, looks to see if it is their mother, and when their mother hugs them, they relax and their crying gradually subsides. But if it is not their mother, but someone else, they start crying again. People think the child is doing it on purpose. However, the child is doing it to fulfill their psychological need for security, love, and to overcome their loneliness.
Noting that a baby's first reaction upon entering the world is to cry, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan says, "When cold air enters their lungs, the comfort of the mother's womb suddenly disappears. Now they need to breathe. The newborn faces many realities of life. Their first emotion is fear, their first reaction is crying, and their first relief comes when they are held by their mother and breastfed. This process helps alleviate fear, receive love, and establish a sense of basic trust."
The mother must always tell the truth and earn trust
Noting that if a child lacks a sense of basic trust, they may exhibit various reactions, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "When the mother is going to work or going somewhere else, she must mentally prepare the child by saying, 'Look, I'm going to work, but I'll be back.' Even if the child cries or reacts, she must say goodbye and leave. If she leaves without saying goodbye, the child becomes frightened again. They think, 'What if my mother doesn't come back?' Lies weaken trust. Children should never be deceived, and lies should never be told. After a while, the child begins to think, "My mother lies often, so not everything she says is true." It is necessary to shift the child's focus without lying to them. Lying becomes part of the child's personality. When this happens, the child experiences feelings that life is unreliable, people are unreliable, and they can be deceived."
Marriage is a haven of trust
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who says that children raised by mothers who lie to them develop a lot of paranoia, said, "Even if the mother gives love, it is not possible without trust. It is not possible without honesty. The basic feature of the art of cooperation is to stay away from lies. At the core of trust lies an open, transparent, and honest relationship. Without an honest relationship, there is no continuity. A space of trust cannot form there. Marriage is not a haven of love, but a haven of trust. Love alone is not enough for a haven of trust. For example, there may be love, but it is deceitful."
Uncertainty creates future anxiety in children
Noting that thumb-sucking in children indicates that the mother-child individuation and separation process has not been fully completed, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, "When the mother tells the child, 'I'm going to work now, but I'll be back, I always come back,' the child learns to wait. The child also receives resilience training. When the mother comes home from work, she needs to spend time with the child before starting household chores. Uncertainty must be eliminated so that the child does not experience anxiety about the future. The child will play at the time the mother says, 'We will play at this time,' not when the child says, 'Let's play, mom.' The mother will keep her word and not ignore the child just because they are not making a fuss. If the mother spends more time with the child, the behaviors the child exhibits to attract attention will change."