Conflicts arise in marriages made without knowing psychological differences. Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who stated that everyone should read the 'Marriage Maturity Scale' before getting married, said, “Engagement and friendship phases last long, but after marriage, they start acting naturally. When they act naturally, conflicts arise. If good cooperation is established in marriages, it turns into lifelong love. In long-term relationships, personality is important; relationships reduced to physical appearance are primitive-level relationships.”
Üsküdar University Founder and Chairman of the Board of Trustees, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed relationships between men and women and offered important advice for strong marriages.
Men want to be appreciated…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that men today want appreciation and continued his words as follows: “They want their sense of autonomy to be supported. They want their spouse to support them in this regard. Their spouse should support them. If a spouse says, ‘You can’t do it, you’re incompetent,’ it would be the greatest harm done to a man. Such criticism is detrimental to his sense of autonomy and results-oriented thinking. Similarly, humiliating a woman’s feelings by saying, ‘You’re so cold, what kind of woman are you?’ is the greatest criticism that can be directed at her, because it is degrading. Therefore, positive communication is the most important aspect for both sides in male-female relationships. In couple therapies, we witness small wars within families, where partners needle and criticize each other. Ninety out of a hundred communication problems stem from these. In such situations, a man’s feet drag as he heads home. He feels like he’s going to court, focusing on how to ensure a warm atmosphere upon returning home, or if there is one. This applies to both sides.”
Love alone is not enough in marriage…
Tarhan, likening marriage to a long journey, said, “If a person feels peaceful and secure in their marriage, it develops the characteristic of a sanctuary. In family therapy, we most often question whether the home is a safe space. Love alone is not enough. There is love, but they conduct everything with intrigue. In such situations, there is love, but they drag their spouse somewhere, making them do things. Then the home ceases to be a safe space. That’s why we say love plus honesty equals lifelong love. Then, it becomes good cooperation, a clear and straightforward relationship. Love and honesty build trust. Trust, in turn, facilitates cooperation, and the feeling of lifelong love develops in that way,” he stated.
Love and cooperation ensure lifelong love
Tarhan pointed out that the answer ‘I didn’t fall in love’ is often given to the question ‘Why didn’t you get married?’ He said, “People fall in love, then divorce six months later. Here, love does not last without good cooperation. It evaporates. If you establish good cooperation, it turns into lifelong love. Therefore, love is not temporary; it is only temporary if cooperation is not established. Love and cooperation ensure lifelong love. If lovers can establish good cooperation, love does not evaporate; if lovers have problem-solving skills, their love strengthens further; if lovers have common goals, their love takes root. What makes a woman lovable and attractive is her personality. It is not her sexual and physical appearance. It is not her gender or femininity. For instance, there are very charming women who are not exceptionally beautiful in outward appearance. A woman’s appearance contributes only 20% to her attractiveness,” he said.
The marriage maturity scale should be read
Emphasizing the importance of personality in long-term relationships, Tarhan said, “A person must possess inner beauty. A physically beautiful person with evil within will only have an initial power to attract. Reducing relationships between men and women to physical appearance is a primitive level of relationship. Contentment with physical appearance exists in animals. Humans become beautiful through their personality, psychological structure, and character traits. It is essential to properly understand the beauty we call ‘spiritual beauty.’ Everyone should read the ‘Marriage Maturity Scale’ before getting married,” he stated.
We are in an age where women are emancipating themselves
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that men and women often experience conflict when they become partners without understanding their psychological differences, saying, “In this situation, it is natural for conflicts to arise. Engagement and friendship phases last long, but after marriage, they start acting naturally. When they act naturally, conflicts arise. If one side always insists on their rules being followed, that is tyranny. It is enslaving the other person. It is turning the male-female relationship into a master-slave dynamic. We are in an age where women are emancipating themselves. This is a rightful movement, but the dose of this movement has gone too far and turned into gender wars,” he stated.
Compassion and kindness are the magical concepts of relationships
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said that one should ask ‘What should I do for the good of the marriage?’ and concluded his words as follows: “Spouses should act accordingly, and if the other party still doesn’t change, ending the discussion by saying, ‘I don’t approve of this action of yours, I don’t support it, but for the sake of our children and the future of our home, I’m setting this aside for now. Know that I haven’t forgotten it,’ will leave a feeling of guilt in the other party. In such situations, if one can clearly state their disapproval but also say, ‘I’ve noted this to avoid conflict and unrest at home,’ then problems can be resolved. There are two magical concepts in relationships: one is compassion, the other is kindness. Compassion is greater than love; it also contains empathy. Kindness is greater than respect; it contains mercy. From the first day of marriage, compassion and kindness should be made a form of communication within the family.