Uskudar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, met with his readers at the 8th Sultanbeyli Book Fair held this year. Tarhan, who held a talk under the title “Psychology Talks”, later signed his books for his readers. Speaking about the corrosive effect of the concepts of lying and haram in social relationships, Tarhan stated that these two words are the two biggest viruses of social life. Tarhan also emphasized that the norms protecting society must be preserved in this era, underlining that societal protection has weakened. Tarhan stressed that this era is a time when both good and bad are proliferating.
150 authors from Turkey's leading 80 publishing houses and brands met with readers at the 8th Sultanbeyli Book Fair, held between September 21-29 in Sultanbeyli City Square.
Uskudar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who met with book lovers at the fair, first held a talk on “Psychology Talks” moderated by Journalist Şaban Özdemir.
“This era is a time when both good and bad are proliferating…”
In the program attended by Sultanbeyli Mayor Ali Tombaş and his deputies, Tarhan stated that if a person can maintain themselves in this era, they can be more powerful than in other ages. Tarhan said: “This era is a time when both good and bad are proliferating. It is very difficult for a person to preserve and develop their psychology in such a stormy time. It is easy to swim in a calm sea, but difficult to swim in a stormy sea. When you learn, you become a good swimmer. This is such a difficult time. If a person can maintain themselves, preserve their direction, and aim for the right goals in this era, we can become stronger and more developed people compared to other ages. Therefore, these times certainly have threats and difficulties, but also opportunities and advantages. If we constantly focus on threats, we will be in continuous tension. If we only focus on the positive, we will make mistakes and stumble. We will know both the positive and the negative, but we will move forward by thinking positively. If we do this, we can be peaceful. We will develop ourselves better. Saying ‘we are in bad times’ and trusting no one also isolates a person and keeps them in constant tension. We are in a time when there are many good and bad people…” he stated.
“Societal protection has weakened”
In the talk, which garnered significant interest from readers, Tarhan drew attention to the necessity of preserving the norms that protect society in this era, and emphasized that social assistance has also deteriorated in this time. Tarhan said: “In past eras, there was an extended family. When young people had a problem after marriage, they could go and ask their elders. Society was a more supportive society. There was a dervish lodge in every neighborhood, and they would go and ask them. In this era, social assistance that would help has also deteriorated. Societal protection has weakened. What happened when societal protection weakened? It was an outer fortress; society was a fortress protecting our families and youth. This fortress collapsed. There are legal norms that protect a society, which means obeying laws and rules. There are social norms, which are customs and traditions. The third is conscience. These three must be protected,” he stated.
“Lying and haram are the two biggest viruses of social life”
Answering questions from readers, Tarhan spoke about the corrosive effect of the concepts of lying and haram in social relationships. Tarhan said: “In close relationships and lives, a person's most important need is the need for security. It is very important for a home to be like a shelter, a safe space. We used to call marriage a nest of love, but in recent years it has been understood that marriage is a nest of security. Love is a method, but the goal is for the home to be a safe space. For a person to feel safe and secure in their home, their home must be like a shelter. Indeed, there is a verse in the Holy Quran (Ayet-i Kerime), which says, ‘We created you so that you may instill trust in each other and grant each other peace.’ In this sense, the feeling of trust is the greatest goal. The typical example of these close relationships is the family. Certainly, there is love in every marriage first, but ‘Love + Honest Cooperation = Lifelong Love’ emerges. In other words, trust does not form without healthy, honest cooperation. If there is lying and haram, that relationship does not go well. In other words, these two words are the two biggest viruses of social life. These viruses are social viruses: lying and haram. When a person is infected with these two viruses, they rapidly decay,” he said.
The feeling of modesty and compassion…
Tarhan, speaking about the effects of a lack of modesty and compassion: “Prophet Muhammad said, ‘In the End of Times, Satan will afflict your children.’ Someone asked, ‘How will we know, O Messenger of Allah?’ Prophet Muhammad replied, ‘You will know by two things: first, a lack of modesty (haya); and second, a lack of compassion (merhamet).’ The feeling of modesty (haya) is the feeling of shame. When the feeling of shame weakens, a person becomes both selfish and disregards the rights of others. The second is the weakening of the feeling of compassion. The weakening of compassion leads to an increase in cruelty, an increase in oppression, and the proliferation of people who say, ‘only my interest, my right.’ This means that a time will come when these two qualities will decrease. Lying, the feeling of shame, and the feeling of compassion will decrease. Therefore, the solution is to strengthen these two feelings. Love is like water. Respect is like its container. In other words, if there is no container of respect, you cannot hold or control love. Respect is also knowing where to stop. There is a greater form of love, which is love without expectation of return, unconditional love, which is tenderness. And there is something greater than respect: the need not to hurt what you respect, which is courtesy. We must cultivate these feelings first within our inner world. We will build our inner world,” he stated.
“First, we are leaders of ourselves”
Drawing attention to the concept of leadership, Tarhan stated that parents should manage leadership at home by forming a horizontal coalition. Tarhan said: “Everyone is a leader. First, we are leaders of ourselves. We manage our own desires and impulses. We manage the chemistry of our own brains. First, we will be leaders of ourselves. After that, we will be leaders of the family, leaders of our children. There will be joint leadership of parents at home. There will be a co-chairmanship system. Men and women will be joint leaders and act together. Parents will form a horizontal coalition. If there is a problem within that coalition and parents use a common language, children immediately comply, but if the mother is different and the father is different, the child takes what suits them. Or sometimes the mother favors one child and the father favors another. It becomes a vertical coalition. There is no peace at home because there is polarization. If one says A, the other says B. In such a situation, the intention and goal of revealing the truth disappear,” he stated.
“An invisible hand helps the person who does not forget goodness in order to be just”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that one must not forget goodness to be just, emphasized that the greatest role of the state is to ensure justice. Tarhan said: “Justice is like a spiderweb; weak flies get caught, strong flies break through and pass. Where there is no justice, there is no trust. Where there is no trust, there is no peace. The duty of the state is to ensure justice. It is not easy for a person to always make just decisions and move forward, but one must intend to do so and aim for it. If so, an invisible hand helps. An invisible hand helps the person who does not forget goodness in order to be just. It does not allow injustice, but one must be sincere in this. Therefore, the greatest role of the state is to ensure justice. Where justice flows like water, there is peace. Where there is peace, investments increase, the economy improves, and psychiatric illnesses in people decrease,” he stated.
“If a person lives correctly, they can be happy”
One of the topics on Tarhan's agenda was positive psychology. Tarhan, speaking about what needs to be done to think positively: “Someone who sets out with positive thinking can have all their motivation shattered by a tiny event they experience. Positive thinking is not Pollyannaism. Pollyannaism involves giving away the bite in your mouth. That is, it means saying yes to everything. If this happens, you will be exploited very well. Normal psychology deals with pathology and diseases, trying to reduce illness to zero. Positive psychology, on the other hand, works to make a person without illness happier, healthier, and to improve their quality of life. If a person lives correctly, they can be happy. It is important to succeed in living correctly. Already, 60-70% of diseases are related to lifestyle errors. When you correct your lifestyle habits, eating habits, entertainment habits, and social habits, your quality of life increases,” he stated.
“They see themselves as special and important, they feed on praise…”
Addressing narcissism in response to a question, Tarhan pointed out that narcissists play a confident role to suppress their feelings of inadequacy. Tarhan said: “Narcissists appear confident. Some of these individuals play the right role and behave correctly according to their position. Others are that way due to their internal struggles. Some whistle when passing through a graveyard. You might say, ‘Look at that man, whistling as he walks through the graveyard, how brave.’ However, he is whistling to suppress the fear within him. The self-confidence of narcissists is like this. They play a confident role to suppress the feelings of inferiority and inadequacy in their inner world. Such individuals have a high sense of arrogance. They see themselves as special and important, they feed on praise, and they are closed to criticism. When you criticize them, they accuse you of treason. A person who is open to criticism cannot be a narcissist,” he said.
“They say ‘yes’ to everything to avoid losing the person they love”
Speaking about the relationship between not being able to say no and the fear of loss, Tarhan said: “There are some people who cannot say no. That is, when they say no, they feel excluded. These people can only maintain their sense of belonging by always making sacrifices. That is, they don't want to lose a marriage by always saying yes. They say yes to everything the person they love says, even to their mistakes. This is one of the biggest reasons for divorces after the age of 50. We will have norms in hand. There will be moral norms, social norms, and conscientious norms. We need to say yes or no in accordance with these norms,” he stated.
“The most beautiful way to fight darkness is to light a candle”
Tarhan, providing information about the good and bad parts within a person: “Let’s tame the wild horse within us. In psychology, this is called the bad part. We have a good part and a bad part within us. The name of the bad part is 'nefis' (ego/lower self). If we educate the bad part, the good part emerges spontaneously. If the bad part is like darkness, the good part is like light. Therefore, as the good part grows, the bad part shrinks. As we do good and beautiful things, evil and darkness spontaneously decrease. The most beautiful way to fight darkness is to light a candle. The most beautiful way to fight cold is to light a stove. Therefore, instead of complaining, one should be able to focus on the positive and fight the negative,” he stated.
Readers formed long queues for autographs…
Tarhan signed his books for his readers after the talk.
Readers, who formed long queues for Tarhan, also had the opportunity to chat with Tarhan and take photos during the book signing.
