Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, addressed the topic of “Marriage” in his Hürriyet Aile column this week.
Just as in life, it is perfectly natural and inevitable for marriages to experience storms, difficulties, conflicts, and arguments from time to time. In marriage, we have a principle: we recommend allowing for storms. However, the important point here is to ensure proper anger management. We also find the 5 S theory important for the strength of the institution of marriage: Love, respect, patience, loyalty, and sincerity.
The best remedy for anger is postponement
Anger is like a fire, and it should be approached with a firefighter model. Just as a fire is approached in a controlled manner, so too should one approach the other person in angry situations. If you react during anger and blame the other party, you will only fuel the fire further. You will have fed and supported the fire. How do you act when a fire breaks out? You focus on putting out the fire. You examine the causes later. The best remedy for anger is postponement.
Anger leads to wrong decisions
The feeling of anger impairs a person's judgment, causing them to make wrong decisions. The emotions and anger of a person with impaired judgment are like war strategy emotions, like anger. War strategy, in turn, is the law of the jungle. Where the law of the jungle prevails, you too must be savage and malevolent. In such a situation, the strong defeat the weak.
Change the environment during tension
We can offer a few pieces of advice regarding what parties should do in moments of tension: In moments of anger, the environment can be changed by moving to an adjacent room. The person who is shouting can be softly told, ‘I am trying to understand you. Could you speak more slowly?’ This way, the other party's pattern is suddenly broken, their tone softens, and they immediately begin to speak normally. The angry person thinks, ‘They are trying to understand me.’ Thus, you have overcome power struggles.
“Stopping, thinking, and making a decision” is a skill
Speaking in a moment of anger is wrong. The discussion of the matter in question should be postponed. We usually shout first and then think. We get angry first and then think. In other words, there is an emotion-focused philosophy of life. However, we should make the ‘stop, think, act’ rule a part of our lives in marriage. This is learned over the years. However, after maturation, that is, after the age of 40, the brain becomes capable of using this more healthily. It is difficult for a person to always make healthy decisions. Therefore, stopping, thinking, and making a decision is a skill. This is the training of the front region of the brain.
The 5 fundamental 'S' values in marriage
A large portion of mistakes and crises in marriage arise from acting on emotions without thinking. Parties may have weaknesses. Some are jealous, some have high egos. These are gradually smoothed out over time. Marital values are also very important. The presence of love is a very important value. Theoretically, we call them the 5 S's: Love, respect, patience, loyalty, and sincerity.
Respect protects the boundaries of love
The importance of these 5 S values in marriage is immense. Love is like water, like a water source. Respect is like a bucket. It protects the boundaries of love. If there is no respect, love begins to cause damage. It flows away, goes to waste. That is why love must be accompanied by respect. Patience, the third S, is the most important thing in marriage. When you are hasty in marriage, you lose. It is the same in all matters. It is so in life, in business life, and in social life. Being able to manage time is important. Patience does not mean standing aside and waiting. Active patience should be understood. Patience is adapting to the rhythm of nature's speed. In such situations, you have a goal. You say, ‘I am enduring this right now for this purpose.’ You ask, ‘What can I do to improve this?’ The fourth S, loyalty, has two pillars. One is honesty, and the second is commitment. The two are together. The fifth S is sincerity. It strives to strengthen all these values. If one looks for ways to strengthen these in marriage, the problem disappears on its own.
In marriage, one kind word is enough to solve problems
The best way to combat darkness is to light a candle. It is the same in marriage. The best way to combat wrongs is to talk about positive, good, beautiful things. Even when looking at all Abrahamic religions and Far Eastern teachings, doing good is exalted. Unconditional goodness is exalted. That is why this also applies in marriage. For example, doing good to your spouse unconditionally. In our culture, a smile is a charity. A smile, a few kind words, a loving glance, a warm touch solve many problems, and these are free.
'I' language should be used
In marriage, the ‘I’ language should be used instead of the accusatory ‘you’ language. It is important to explain to the other party that you are very upset. When one says, ‘I am very upset right now, I am very hurt, it is not appropriate to talk about this right now,’ the man's thinking brain will kick in. The classic reaction of women is to cry. Instead of crying, they should act calmly. There is no need to be a sad princess. In such situations, women should be wise instead of crying. They should say, ‘I do not find your behavior appropriate.’
One should not remain estranged for a long time
It is important for couples to strive not to remain estranged for a long time. Paranoid individuals tend to hold grudges for extended periods. These individuals have a strong sense of revenge. They never forget the wrong done to them; they are very resentful. Despite the problem, the parties should reconcile without prolonging it. Couples need to tell each other, ‘We are on the same ship, and for this ship to continue its journey, we need to find some common ground. We need to solve the problems,’ and create this feeling.
Private matters should not be shared with anyone, including close circles
Couples should avoid criticizing their spouses or engaging in demeaning behavior in front of others. Private matters should remain within the family. They should not be shared with anyone, including close circles. It is absolutely necessary to create a private space in marriage. For a child to grow up well, an environment of love, respect, and trust is needed. If that climate of love, respect, and trust does not exist, a healthy child cannot be expected to be raised.