Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, met online with educators and parents from Kartal Yüksel İlhan Alanyalı Science High School. During the program, Tarhan addressed the topic of “Parenting in the Digital Age” and drew attention to the effects of modern culture on children and families. Emphasizing that digitalization creates approval addiction in young people, Tarhan stated that thoughtless sharing in virtual environments leaves permanent digital traces, posing a serious risk to children.
“There are serious challenges in an age where everything is digitalized”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that young people encounter information in the digital world that is not suitable for their psychological maturity; “30-40 years ago, if the half-life of a piece of information was 30 years, now it has dropped to 3 years. There is such a rapid transformation and change... 20-30 years ago, when a teacher was lecturing, a student's attention would start to wander around the 15th minute, and the teacher would tell a joke, say something to distract, make a witty remark, and try to regain their attention. Now this 15 minutes has dropped to 3 minutes. There are such difficulties in classroom management. As parents, there are serious challenges in an age where everything is digitalized. This situation is even harder for young people. Young people aged 12-15 encounter situations that are not appropriate for their psychological maturity early on. In fact, they encounter them before the age of 10. This information is not suitable for their age maturity. This negatively affects them. It causes them difficulties in self-management. This whole process actually worries parents. But there is also a solution. The solution to every problem lies within itself. We need to find and correctly define that problem. Digitalization has a threat dimension and an opportunity dimension. Our children encounter a lot of negative information. Looking at the opportunity dimension, their progress in life could be faster. If they manage this well, they can increase their performance and strengths.” he began his words.
“Lack of communication is worse than conflictual communication”
Tarhan stated that discipline is not actually a cold concept; “When we say discipline, it is always understood as a cold concept, like a military term. Frowning faces, serious stances are understood. However, that is not what discipline is. Discipline is discipline that contains love. Positive discipline contains love. For example, a mother throws a slipper at her child, but the child knows she didn't do it to hurt him. There are three types of communication within a family. First, healthy communication, positive communication, which is communication where everyone empathizes with each other. Second, conflictual communication, where there is constant tension, and two sides constantly try to dominate and control each other. Third, lack of communication. Lack of communication is worse for a child than conflictual communication. That is, the situation of not being acknowledged. In such situations, the child makes his mother and father angry, makes them shout, makes them pay attention to him, and feels relieved from that. The child thrives on negative communication. Because otherwise, ignoring, not looking at his face at home, not greeting him is worse,” he expressed.
Every event can become an opportunity for learning…
Tarhan stated that parents should be guide captains for their children; “Doing everything the child says under the guise of positive discipline, raising the child like a prince or princess, making them the little ruler of the house is not right. As a result, a narcissistic child grows up. A child who places himself at the center of the world, says ‘I am the leader of the house’ in adolescence, tries to dominate everyone, opposes parents, challenges them, and uses violence. This is not positive discipline. Positive discipline is teaching the child what is good, what is right, what is wrong, what is beautiful, and what is ugly. Children are not our children; they are children of the age we live in. Therefore, what parents should do when raising their children is to be guide captains. Currently, the most common thing to do is to squabble with the child. Negative discipline, authoritarianism. When this happens, the child becomes timid, has low self-perception, feels inadequate, and becomes a child who cannot stand up for their rights. Or, if there is a sense of autonomy, the child starts to challenge the parents with adolescence. However, here we need to teach the child the joy of problem-solving. A problem arises, and the joy of solving it by asking 'How will I solve this problem?' believe me, it relieves a person as if they have scored a goal. A person should ask, ‘Are there any problems to be solved?’ Problems are not desired, but if they arise, one devises Plan A, Plan B, Plan C by asking, ‘How do I solve this?’ In this way, every event becomes an opportunity for learning,” he said.
“Openness to criticism is very important within positive discipline”
Tarhan stated that criticism is a gift in positive discipline; “One of the most important skills of the 21st century is openness to criticism. People who are open to criticism can develop themselves. That's why companies hire independent auditors and independent members to their board of directors. A third eye comes from outside, analyzes it, and criticizes it. When that happens, one sees their mistakes and corrects them. There is a critic in our brains. We need to activate it, we need to be able to self-criticize. We should not automatically reject others' criticisms. If it's correct, you correct your mistake; if it's wrong, you move on. Why they criticized or didn't criticize is not important. One of the things that leads to mistakes is the fear of criticism. In positive discipline, even criticism is a gift. A person who thinks positively is not bothered at all if the criticisms are correct, and corrects them. They say thank you, ‘For pointing out my mistakes, for contributing to our development.’ They do not react by saying, ‘Why are you criticizing?’ Therefore, openness to criticism is very important within positive discipline,” he said.
Young people feel misunderstood…
Citing an example from the words of Hz. Ali, Tarhan said; “Young people say ‘They don’t understand me’, ‘I wasn’t understood’. In what situations does this happen? Parents never listen to the child. They always give one-sided lectures and advice. Breakfast is like a lecture. A teacher plays the role of a teacher at home too. A businessman plays the role of a businessman at home too. At home, you will be in the role of a mother and father. Parents cannot be psychologists or teachers at home. They will be the child’s companion on the journey of life. They will play until the age of 5, be a companion until the age of 15, and after the age of 15, they will consult with the child. They will say, ‘I did this like this in this matter, what do you say?’ The saying ‘Play until the age of 5, be a friend until the age of 15, and after that, consult’ is a saying of Hz. Ali. Imagine a sentence spoken 1400 years ago. It is still valid. We cannot have such empathetic communication with our children. The greatest gift a mother or father can give their child is to listen to them. When you listen, you might not approve, then you will say no with your reasons. If you say yes, you will say yes with your reasons so that they learn about life. If you don't listen, the child will think they are not understood or loved,” he expressed.
“If we want to understand the child, we will be active listeners”
Tarhan emphasized that the "I" language should be used instead of the "you" language in communication with children; “Listening to the child and being an active listener is very important. After listening, even if you praise the child, do not praise their personality; praise their behavior and efforts. If you praise their personality, their ego inflates. They say, ‘I'm good, I'm beautiful, I'm handsome, my mom and dad already love me so much,’ and they let themselves go. However, if we praise their behavior and efforts, saying, ‘You cleaned your room so nicely, you studied your lessons very well, your report card was excellent,’ then the child's behavior and efforts develop because they are praised. Their ego does not inflate. Even if we criticize the child, let's criticize their behavior and efforts, not their personality. That is, like ‘You are a good child, but why did this happen this way? How was this mistake made? Let's talk.’ Here, parents usually use the "you" language instead of the "I" language. They speak judgmentally and accusingly. Using the "I" language is important here. Like, ‘If I were in your place, I would do this, if I were in your place, I would go there.’ Speaking with the "you" language is accusatory and judgmental; a defensive feeling awakens in the other party's personality. With feelings like being belittled, this time they either internalize it or react harshly, and the relationship does not become positive communication. The "I" language creates positive communication. If we want to understand the child, we will be active listeners. We will give a smile, a few kind words, a loving look, a warm touch when they least expect it. Giving these is not very difficult,” he said.
“Modern culture created approval addiction”
Tarhan stated that people take refuge in the cloak of invisibility in social media; “Current modern culture feeds egocentrism. It has created approval addiction. A person entering social media thinks they are covered by a cloak of invisibility. Because there is no physical contact with the other party, they speak, say, and do things without thinking, as if they have an invisibility cloak. They leave an incredible digital footprint. They do things they will regret 5, 10 years later. In fact, they say things they will regret a month or even 3 days later. Here, it is very important to instill good habits and teach the child to develop good behavior. The digital world has made this difficult. Because most of the child's time is spent there. That's why we say to do a digital detox at home one day a week. For example, we say that everyone should put down their phones one evening a week and let's chat at home and do a digital detox. When we make communication high quality by doing this, the child can establish a relationship where they can communicate comfortably, express their troubles, a relationship with depth and meaning. If we cannot establish a deep relationship with our child, we will lose that child,” he said.
“You cannot motivate a child without an ego ideal”
Tarhan stated that children should be taught the skill of delayed gratification; “There are two types of patience. One is always wrongly understood by us as negative patience: enduring calamities, illnesses, and evils. And there is positive patience. In positive patience, you have a goal, and you endure difficulties as you go towards it, overcoming them one by one. We call this the skill of delayed gratification. It is necessary to teach children the skill of delayed gratification. A child who learns this gains psychological resilience. One of the fundamental elements of psychological resilience is a person's ability to recognize and manage negative emotions when encountering events. The skill of regulating their emotions. The ability to develop coolness under stress. Mental flexibility is very important here. Learning to look at events from different perspectives. You won't always have a Plan A; you'll have Plans B and C. This is mental flexibility. What do mountaineers do when climbing a mountain? If one path doesn't work, they go to another path, another path... No matter what they do to push themselves, they find a way to reach the top. The journey of life is like this too. To put effort and get tired for the work you do, you need to add meaning to that work. For example, to give a child inner motivation, they must have a goal, an ego ideal, for which they will put in effort and get tired. You cannot motivate a child without a meaningful ego ideal. This is inner motivation. To gain inner motivation, one must have a positive, high ideal. They attribute meaning to the difficulties they experience. When they attribute meaning, they overcome those difficulties,” he expressed.
“The greatest harm modern culture has done to us is devaluing virtue ethics”
Tarhan stated that the global system glorifies interest-driven relationships; “Just as traffic signs guide us when driving, values and beliefs guide us in life. This is also learned in childhood. For example, we want our child to be intelligent and successful. An intelligent, successful child becomes a chemical engineer and goes on to produce synthetic marijuana. An intelligent, successful child becomes a computer engineer and becomes a hacker. An intelligent, successful person graduates from medical school, becomes a doctor, and goes on to form a newborn gang. This means that being intelligent and hardworking is not enough. A third parameter is needed. Its name is virtue ethics. Like good-bad, right-wrong. Japan and China do this between the ages of 4-6. They teach the child virtue ethics. Keeping promises, helping friends, tidying up belongings, tidying up their room... They even educate them about the realities of life in the style of ‘Know that the fish in the aquarium will die.’ When the child learns this, they build their personality upon it. Currently, the greatest harm modern culture has done to us is devaluing virtue ethics. Materializing everything. The global system glorifies such interest-driven relationships. Unfortunately, this poses a risk for our children. A child's homeland is childhood. If we have had a good childhood, if we remember it with beautiful memories, no matter where you go, you will do wonderful things there,” he said.