Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan addressed the topic of “Empathy and Marriage” in his column for Hürriyet Aile this week.
In the institution of family, which arises from the coming together of two people with different characters raised in different cultures, the harmony of the couples determines the quality of the marriage. One of the most important conditions for harmony in marriage is empathy. In our culture, empathy, which is referred to as “altruism,” requires protecting one's own feelings while understanding the feelings of the other party. If such a relationship can be established, it is called an empathic relationship. This relationship model protects people from making mistakes and enables them to make correct decisions in relationships. An empathic relationship can be regarded as the insurance of the institution of marriage.
The concept of empathy, widely used today, is called “altruism” in our ancient culture. Altruism; feeling sorrow for others, about others, is a word of Persian origin. Empathy can also be summarized as taking into account the feelings of others. Close but not the same. The definition of empathy in psychology also has a 100-year history. The concept of empathy is the most important characteristic unique to humans.
Empathy is the most important emotion in socialization
Empathy, which is the most important emotion in human socialization, also enables humans to be social beings. Lack of empathy lies at the root of evil. The book “The Anatomy of Evil” written by Simon Baron-Cohen addresses the lack of empathy. People who commit crimes do not see the feelings, pains, and needs of the other party due to a lack of empathy; they torment them and live only for themselves.
Lack of empathy is emotional blindness
The neural pathways in the brains of two people in an empathic state are very similar to each other. This situation is called the Michelangelo Phenomenon. Tomography scans have revealed that the neural pathways in the brain are very similar. Similar situations can also be observed in mother-child relationships. A mother can understand from her child's movements that they are hungry or need to use the toilet. Emotional mirror neurons read this immediately.
Empathy is emotional literacy
Empathy is emotional literacy. Lack of empathy is also called emotional blindness or emotional deafness. Someone with emotional literacy is a person with developed empathy.
Empathy should not be confused with sympathy
1-year-old children are gathered in a room. When one cries, all the children start crying. One cries because they are in pain. The others, unable to distinguish their feelings, mistake that person's pain for their own. This is not empathy, but sympathy. The boundaries of emotions are blurred. If someone simultaneously sits and cries with another person, this is not empathy, but sympathy. Crying in sync is not healthy.
An empathic relationship protects against making mistakes in marriage
In empathy, it is necessary and important to protect one's own feelings while understanding the feelings of the other party. If such a relationship can be established, it is called an empathic relationship. In the institution of family, which arises from the coming together of two people with different characters raised in different cultures, the harmony of the couples determines the quality of the marriage. One of the most important conditions for harmony in marriage is an empathic relationship. This relationship protects people from making mistakes and enables them to make correct decisions in relationships.
The most beautiful indicator of empathy: The humility-pride relationship
The most beautiful indicator of empathy is the humility-pride relationship. In Islam, empathy is expressed as, ‘If you fill a room with all evils, pride opens its door. If you fill a room with all good deeds, humility opens its door.’ Humility actually means having empathy. Acting according to the feelings of others is making them feel valued.
Empathy inclination is a talent, developing empathy is a skill
Horizontal relationships are very important in human relations. One should neither see oneself as superior nor inferior. Empathy means establishing a horizontal relationship. Humility is actually modesty. An inclination towards empathy is a talent, but developing empathy is a skill. Empathy needs to be learned and taught.
Empathy exists in Anatolian wisdom
When we look at Islamic culture and Islamic ethics, we see concepts like empathy education emerging. For instance, when we examine what we call Anatolian Wisdom, including Yunus and Mevlana, understanding the poor is present in all of them. Empathy is the education of emotions. It is about educating and teaching how, when, and where to use our emotional capital, our emotional resources in our brain. Emotions are a capital. It gives a person the skill to use that capital in the right way.
Children should be raised by being given responsibility
Anatolian wisdom gives responsibility to children. At its core is preparing the child for life. They should be introduced to responsibility from an early age. For example, in our childhood, we would lend a hand in some task. There were black mulberries in the garden of the house. My mother would have us sell them. Not because we needed money, but to teach us about life. Preparing a child for life is very important. Parenthood does not mean making a child happy; it means preparing the child for life. When a child is given two or three times the amount of love, they become insatiable for love. After a while, they expect the same attention from everyone. In adulthood, the child struggles. When they enter life and encounter difficulties and the realities of life, they struggle and become unhappy. In this situation, the mother and father ask, ‘Why did my child turn out this way?’ Because they were raised incorrectly.