Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, participated in an online seminar held within the scope of the 18th series of lessons of the Family and Marriage School, organized by the Independent Student Platform. Tarhan addressed the topic of “Common Problems and Solutions in the First 5 Years of Marriage.” He stated that love alone is not enough in marriage, and emotional congruence, physical compatibility, and realistic expectations are also very important. Highlighting that the engagement period is critical for preparing for marriage, Tarhan emphasized that jealousy and communication problems must be managed correctly.
“Love is not the cause of marriage but its result”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing the concept of emotional congruence in marriage during the highly engaging program, began his speech by saying: “There are two important decisions in a person's life. One is career choice, and the other is spouse choice. Therefore, marriage is one of the most important decisions in life. However, just like any other decision, when making a marriage decision, one should think multidimensionally. There are marriage maturity scales related to this topic. The first of the five basic elements determining marriage maturity is emotional congruence. That is, whether individuals are emotionally congruent with each other. Love is very important in marriage, but it is not enough on its own. The love ratio between the parties does not have to be one hundred percent; if there is about 70-80 percent love, this is sufficient. Some people answer the question 'Why didn't you get married?' with 'Because I didn't fall in love.' However, love is not the cause of marriage but its result. If there is an average level of love between the parties and they can establish good cooperation, lifelong happiness and love will emerge over time. For this reason, emotional congruence takes precedence. Physical compatibility comes second. That is, it is also necessary to look at whether individuals are biologically ready for marriage.”
“While the elderly population increases, the young population decreases”
Tarhan stated that the global fertility rate is declining: “Modernism has seriously eroded the institution of marriage. This situation has also shown its effect in Turkey, and as a result, the global fertility rate is rapidly falling. Turkey is among the countries affected by this decline. For example, if Japan’s fertility rate continues at the same pace, its population will decrease by one-third by 2050. Similarly, in Turkey, approximately one-quarter of the population might decrease. The current fertility rate is around 1.4. This means that the population has fallen below the replacement rate. This picture shows that the trend of population decline has begun, and the population pyramid is inverting. That is, while the elderly population increases, the young population decreases. A similar situation exists in Europe. Western countries, especially Germany, are trying to close the population gap with immigration. There is intense migration from Eastern Europe to Western Europe. In contrast, the populations in Eastern European countries are seriously decreasing. While a decrease is observed in Japan, the USA is less affected by this situation. In countries like Niger, Nigeria, and India, population growth is at a noticeable level. In the past, in the 1960s, population planning was carried out with the aim of reducing the world population. At that time, birth control was tried to be popularized as a strategy of global capital. Today, however, the institution of the family is being weakened through anti-family and anti-marriage movements, and even sexual identity debates. All of these pose a serious risk to the future of humanity. This process paves the way for the emergence of unhappy societies. Therefore, Turkey declaring 2025 as the Year of the Family is not a coincidence; on the contrary, it appears as a necessary step dictated by the circumstances.”
“When the engagement period begins, the relationship becomes defined and serious”
Emphasizing that male and female brains do not function in the same way, Tarhan said: “The male brain is more focused on eroticism, while the female brain is focused on romanticism. This biological difference makes it difficult to maintain distance in relationships between men and women. There are three basic stages in male-female relationships: friendship, courtship, and marriage. During the dating period or engagement period, the seriousness of the relationship becomes clear. Therefore, it is risky to have excessively close relationships without being engaged. Because the biological weaknesses of men and women are different. The weakness of a man is sexuality, and the weakness of a woman is the need for romanticism. In this regard, a study conducted on psychology students in America is quite remarkable. Participants were told to press a button when sex came to their minds. Male students pressed it an average of five times a day, while female students pressed it only once. That is, the ratio is approximately one-fifth. This situation reveals that male and female brains function biologically differently. Research in neuroscience also shows that these differences are no longer just a guess but scientifically proven data. Therefore, the difficulties in maintaining emotional distance stem from this biological structure. However, when the engagement period begins, the relationship becomes defined and serious. Engagement now represents a partnership aimed at marriage and the clear declaration of the intention to marry.”
Couples' problem-solving skills should improve…
Tarhan, likening marriage to H₂O, said: “After marriage, three periods are experienced over time. The first is the period of romanticism, or what is commonly known as the honeymoon period. This period usually lasts between 3-5 months and 1-2 years. Then, the second period begins, where personality and power conflicts are experienced. This phase is inevitably seen to a greater or lesser extent in every marriage. If couples have developed problem-solving skills, they can overcome this period in a healthy way. After this stage, the third period begins, the period of commitment. In this phase, balance is achieved in the relationship, a mature bond is established, and a long-lasting, healthy marriage emerges. Therefore, it is necessary to invest in marriage. If a person is not ready for marriage mentally, psychologically, and in terms of life philosophy, they cannot be happy with the idea of ‘I want to be married and live as I please.’ Because marriage limits an individual’s freedom to a certain extent, but at the same time, it creates a new form of life. I liken it to H₂O. Hydrogen and oxygen are two gases that circulate separately in the atmosphere. One is a supporter of combustion, and the other is combustible. But when they come together, water forms, meaning a new life form emerges. Marriage is similar; a new life-giving union is formed when two separate individuals come together. The engagement period is a time when preparation for marriage is a priority. This process allows couples to establish a closer relationship with everyone’s knowledge. At this point, what needs to be discussed is when the marriage will take place.”
Three fundamental characteristics of couple therapy…
Tarhan stated that expectations in marriage should be realistic: “High levels of expectation in marriage are one of the biggest areas of conflict for both parties. When we administer tests to couples in couple therapy, we pay particular attention to three fundamental characteristics. The first is avoidance of intimacy. That is, is one of the parties unhappy being together, are they avoiding it? The second is the tendency to mind-read. If a person assumes that the other party has said something they haven’t, or perceives things that don’t exist as if they do, this is a serious communication problem. The third is the level of expectation. Unrealistic, excessively high expectations lead to major problems in marriage. Because this situation pushes the other party into feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Expectations must absolutely be realistic. This also applies during the engagement period. Sometimes parties can present long lists before marriage, such as 'this much gold, this many items.' Of course, such things can be part of our cultural traditions, but excessive expectations that are not in line with the spirit of marriage cause serious problems. When determining expectations, it is necessary to observe the rule of the golden mean. Parties should clearly explain their expectations and justifications to each other. Explanations like 'Doing this much would be correct, doing this much is not appropriate' provide constructive communication. However, simply saying 'no' and dismissing it creates a feeling of injustice in the other party and leads to resentment. Therefore, a clear, concise, and convincing attitude should be displayed, such as 'I would really like to, but we cannot do this for these reasons, this is our limit.' In this way, the first relationship test between the parties is successfully overcome.”
“Life scenarios need to be rewritten with marriage”
Tarhan stated that spouses should resolve problems among themselves: “When a person gets married, they have a life scenario brought from the environment they grew up in during childhood. These scenarios, written in all our brains, are unconscious patterns about how we will live our lives. When a person gets married, they actually continue the same scenario, but this time new actors enter the stage. The spouse, the spouse’s parents, siblings, family... Therefore, with marriage, we need to rewrite the life scenario in our minds. If this scenario is not updated, the person unconsciously starts to ignore new family members. This is reflected in body language and facial expressions. The spouse interprets this attitude as ‘They don’t want me’ and adopts an opposing stance. Thus, conflict begins even if nothing is explicitly said. For this reason, spouses should try to resolve problems among themselves. If husband and wife can handle their problems without involving elder family members, the elders will also feel at ease when they see them happy. However, when they sense they are unhappy, they naturally feel the need to intervene.”
“Jealousy is like a virus”
Tarhan, likening jealousy to a virus and stating that the immune system needs to be strong, said: “A study by the University of Nebraska identified three common characteristics in happy marriages. The first is that spouses spend time together, the second is the frequent use of words of appreciation, praise, and approval, and the third is that couples go to church together. According to the research, marriages with these characteristics were found to be happier and longer-lasting. The common point of these three elements is quality togetherness. In our society, a lack of appreciation, praise, and approval is particularly noticeable. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) also said, ‘Be gracious to each other, husband and wife.’ In authentic hadiths, it is emphasized that spouses should approach each other with kindness and compliments. When we look at the Age of Happiness (Asr-ı Saadet), we cannot see a single instance where the Prophet's voice was raised. Even when entering his home, he would be careful with his greeting so as not to disturb anyone. His relationships were based on love and respect. If such a relationship is not established, positive bonds weaken and are replaced by jealousy. Jealousy is like a virus, just like the herpes virus in our mouths. It is present in every person, but when the immune system is strong, it does no harm. If our psychological resilience is sound, this jealousy virus remains harmless. However, when our psychological resilience decreases, these emotions grow and begin to harm relationships.”
Essentials for a healthy relationship: Love, respect, and interest
Tarhan concluded his words by stating that when emotions are controlled correctly, the relationship will be healthy: “A healthy relationship has three pillars: love, respect, and interest. If there is positive communication and good interest, the love languages within the family come into play. Among the love languages are words of appreciation, praise, and approval. Physical contact and touch are also included in this. In marriage, the correct use of these emotions by the parties plays a critical role in the healthy maintenance of the relationship.”