Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that a significant portion of problems in relationships stem from misunderstanding and not knowing problem-solving methods, adding that emotional distance is also the biggest reason for violence. Tarhan pointed out that learning about male-female relationships is a kind of art, noting that the method for solving problems in relationships is not violence, but rather conversation, persuasion, and conviction.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founder Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made evaluations regarding the psychological consequences of violence in his statement on the occasion of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.
Humans have two basic urges
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that a world without violence is not possible because it goes against human biological and psychological nature, saying, “Humans have two basic urges. One is sexuality, and the other is aggression. Learning to control urges is related to human civilization. As the level of civilization increases, so does the ability to control these urges. The most significant characteristic distinguishing undeveloped and developed societies is related to achieving sexual impulse control or aggressive impulse control. In seeking rights and solving problems, it becomes possible to express oneself verbally and succeed in asserting one's rights instead of resorting to violence. Sexual urges are also situations that need to be controlled and lived according to the etiquette of sexuality. However, unfortunately, in the course of humanity, increases rather than decreases are observed in both areas.”
Where violence increases, civility cannot be mentioned
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that despite increasing modernization, civilization does not increase in parallel, stating, “Where violence increases, civility cannot be mentioned. That is, people can modernize but never become civilized. Unfortunately, a similar situation applies to women's rights and violence against women and children. Many laws regarding violence against children emerged after 1960, and many measures were taken subsequently.”
Despite laws, crimes are increasing
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that there are many types of violence against women, listing them as physical violence, sexual violence, economic violence, and psychological or emotional violence. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that despite the enactment of laws to prevent violence, violence still could not be prevented, stating that in Turkey, despite a law being passed in 2012, there has been an increase in incidents of violence against women. Tarhan said, “According to statistics, the number of deaths due to violence against women in one year was 86 in 2008, while it became 436 in 2020. This means violence against women has increased fivefold. Therefore, the current legal regulations are not solving this. Attempting to correct the problem through legal means is a negative solution to the problem.”
Measures to prevent violence must be taken
Tarhan noted that there are also non-problem-focused solutions in preventing violence against women, stating, “In this regard, preventative mental health studies must be carried out, and rehabilitation efforts must be made. Primary protection, which involves measures to prevent violence, should be adopted. There is secondary protection applied to risk groups. In these risk groups, instead of issuing restraining orders, rehabilitation procedures can be applied. It might be beneficial to keep the person who committed the crime in a rehabilitation center instead of a prison.”
Some traditions need to be changed
Tarhan stated that some traditionally ongoing wrong practices and behavioral patterns in the fight against violence against women must also be abandoned, saying, “In our culture, there might still be behaviors that can be applied in some regions regarding this issue. We are experiencing change. So, we also need to correct some of our traditions. Both men and women need to self-criticize.”
Male-female relationships need to be learned correctly
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that learning about male-female relationships is also a kind of art, saying, “This is actually a skill and needs to be learned. Unfortunately, a culture that condones violence exists in our past, but in today's changing world, anyone who views violence as a method of remembrance or problem-solving is ignorant, underdeveloped, and primitive. Therefore, if a person says 'I'll put them in their place with a hit,' they belong to the Middle Ages.”
Beware of evening syndrome!
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the most important thing in marital relationships is a peaceful environment, saying, “Marriage and home need to be a warm environment. We used to call marriage a nest of love; now we call it a nest of trust. Because for trust to form, everyone needs to feel a sense of belonging. If they don't feel a sense of belonging, the atmosphere becomes tense, and incidents of violence occur. If a person feels safe, they immediately come home. In some homes, there is an 'evening syndrome' experienced when entering through the door. In evening syndrome, as the husband enters the door, his spouse immediately starts complaining: 'I'm tired of you, we have two children. Today this happened, that happened,' and so on. The man, already tired from coming home, also starts to complain. In what we call evening syndrome, both sides are tense. Attention needs to be paid to these situations. In such cases, there's a very simple thing both sides can do: A loving look, a smile, a few kind words, and a warm touch. It's that simple.”
Emotional distance is a risk factor for violence
Tarhan stated that when this method is used in a relationship, 50% of violence disappears, saying, “A significant portion of problems arising in relationships stems from misunderstanding and not knowing problem-solving methods. It stems from emotional distance. When emotional distance is eliminated, whatever the problem is, it can be discussed comfortably. The biggest reason for violence in family relationships is the presence of emotional distance.”
Activating the thinking brain should be aimed for
Tarhan noted that war strategies are used in therapies for individuals who commit violence, stating, “The method of someone who perpetrates violence is the law of the jungle. They believe that the stronger one dictates. However, the law of the jungle does not apply among humans. People should be persuaded through the power of persuasion and knowledge. This should be considered in approaching these individuals, and they should be persuaded. A person who shouts and yells in the family or workplace, or tries to overcome problems with brute force, uses their emotional brain. They get angry, shout, yell, break things, spill things, and dominate people by intimidating them. The other party is crushed because they cannot respond in kind. We advise using your thinking brain against such individuals. For example, to a shouting spouse, 'Please, can you speak a little slower? I want to understand you.' Thus, the person will suddenly think, 'They want me to speak slowly, meaning they want to understand me.' They will immediately engage their thinking brain.”
Struggle according to cultural differences is necessary
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the United Nations declaring November 25 as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women is good and positive, adding, “But there is no single right answer in these struggles. The struggle must be waged according to cultural differences. Thinking of a solution to violence against women solely through punishment is a total solution here. Divorces have increased greatly. In countries where the law is applied to extremes, people have started to fear marriage and are now beginning to live together. In Northern European countries, around 59% of children are born out of wedlock, 69% in Iceland, and 56% in France. In Turkey, the rate of children born out of wedlock is 12.9%. If it continues this way, we will be like them in 20 years. There is violence in marriage. There is the choice not to marry by fleeing from violence. For this reason, in domestic violence, problems should be tried to be solved by talking, persuading, convincing, and making people love each other, as a method of problem-solving and seeking rights.”