Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed the topic of “Marriage" in his Hürriyet Aile column this week.
The most important thing in marital relationships is a warm and peaceful atmosphere at home. A warm home environment affects many things, from communication between couples to the healthy upbringing of children.
We used to describe home as a "nest of love," but now we call it a "nest of trust." Because for trust to form, everyone needs to feel a sense of belonging there. If they don't feel they belong, the atmosphere becomes tense. In some homes, 'evening syndrome' is experienced upon entering the door. In evening syndrome, as soon as the man enters the door, his wife immediately starts complaining and grumbling. In what we call evening syndrome, both sides are tense. In such situations, there's a very simple thing both sides can do: A loving gaze, a smile, a few kind words, and a warm touch. It's that simple, actually…
Every day, we witness incidents of violence in the world and in our country. A world without violence does not seem possible, as it goes against human biological and psychological nature. Humans have two basic drives: one is sexuality, and the other is aggression. Learning to control these drives is related to human civilization.
Violence should not be resorted to in seeking rights and resolving issues
As the level of civilization increases, so does the ability to control these impulses. The biggest characteristic differentiating undeveloped and developed societies is related to achieving control over sexual or aggressive impulses. In seeking rights and solving problems, it becomes possible to express oneself verbally and assert one's rights instead of resorting to violence. Sexual impulses are also situations that need to be controlled and lived according to the etiquette of sexuality. However, in the course of humanity, unfortunately, increases are observed instead of decreases in both areas.
Where violence increases, civility cannot be spoken of
Despite increasing modernization, civilization does not increase in parallel. Where violence increases, civility cannot be spoken of. That is, a person can become modernized but not civilized at all. Unfortunately, a similar situation applies to women's rights and violence against women and children. Many laws regarding violence against children were enacted after 1960, and many measures were taken subsequently.
Crimes are increasing despite laws
It is a highly noteworthy situation that violence still cannot be prevented despite the enactment of laws to prevent it. In Turkey, despite a law being passed in 2012, an increase in incidents of violence against women is observed. According to statistics, in 2008, the number of deaths due to violence against women in one year was 86, while in 2020, it became 436. This means violence against women has increased fivefold. Therefore, current legal regulations do not solve this problem. Trying to rectify the problem through legal means is a negative solution to the problem.
Rehabilitation center instead of prison…
There are many types of violence against women: physical violence, sexual violence, economic violence, psychological or emotional violence. Non-problem-focused solutions are noteworthy in preventing violence against women. Protective mental health and rehabilitation efforts must definitely be made in this regard. Measures related to preventing violence, called primary protection, should be taken. There is secondary protection applied to risk groups. For these risk groups, rehabilitation procedures can be applied instead of issuing restraining orders. It might be beneficial to keep the perpetrator in a rehabilitation center instead of prison.
Wrong behavior patterns must be abandoned…
In the fight against violence against women, some traditionally persisting wrong practices and behavior patterns also need to be abandoned. In our culture, there might still be some behaviors that are applied in certain regions regarding this issue. We are experiencing change. This means we also need to correct some of our traditions. Both men and women need to engage in self-criticism.
If that person resorts to violence, they belong to the Middle Ages…
Learning male-female relationships can also be considered a kind of art. This is actually a skill and needs to be learned. Unfortunately, a culture that condones violence exists in our past, but now, in a changing world, anyone who sees violence as a method of remembering or solving a problem is ignorant, undeveloped, and primitive. Therefore, if a person says 'I'll hit them and put them in their place,' they belong to the Middle Ages.
Beware of evening syndrome!
The most important issue in marital relationships is having a peaceful environment. Marriage and home need to be a warm environment. We used to call marriage a nest of love; now we call it a nest of trust. Because for trust to be established, everyone needs to feel a sense of belonging. If they don't feel they belong, the atmosphere becomes tense. If a person feels safe, they will immediately come home. In some homes, there is an evening syndrome experienced upon entering the door. In evening syndrome, as the husband enters the door, his wife immediately starts complaining: ‘I'm tired of you, we have two children. Today this happened and that happened,’ she constantly grumbles. The man, already tired when he comes home, also starts complaining. In what we call evening syndrome, both sides are tense. Attention needs to be paid to these. In such situations, there is a very simple thing both sides can do: A loving gaze, a smile, a few kind words, and a warm touch. It's that simple.
Most problems stem from emotional distance
When this method is used in a relationship, 50% of violence disappears. A significant portion of problems arising in relationships stem from misunderstanding, not knowing problem-solving methods. It stems from emotional distance. When emotional distance is eliminated, whatever the problem is, it can be discussed comfortably. The biggest reason for violence in family relationships is open emotional distance…
The goal should be to engage the thinking brain
Angry individuals should be persuaded by the power of persuasion and information. This should also be taken into account when approaching such individuals. A person who yells and shouts, or tries to overcome their problems with brute force at home or work, uses their 'feeling brain'. They get angry, shout, scream, break things, spill things, and dominate by intimidating people. The other party is crushed because they cannot respond in the same measure. We advise using your 'thinking brain' against such individuals. For example, to a shouting spouse, say, ‘Please, can you speak a little slower? I want to understand you.’ Thus, the person will suddenly think, ‘They want me to speak slowly, meaning they want to understand me.’ They will immediately engage their thinking brain.