Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that constant and one-sided harsh criticism between couples in marriage can create negative effects on all family relationships, stating that continuous complaining and criticism stem from hidden arrogance. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children can intervene in such situations with an appropriate language, also underlining the importance of approaching events impartially when raising awareness between parents.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made evaluations regarding the effects of nagging and constantly complaining individuals in marriage on Akra FM's 'Marriage School' program.
Constant and one-sided criticism harms the family
Noting that parents constantly complaining about each other in marriages can affect all family relationships and dynamics, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan drew attention to the harms of constant and one-sided criticism. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “For example, the mother constantly nags and always complains about the father. There are some complaining personalities. These individuals complain about everything. If you put these people in heaven, they would complain about why it’s not beautiful. This situation negatively affects peace at home, relationships, and communication among family members.”
Constant complaining and criticism stem from hidden arrogance
Tarhan stated that complaining individuals possess hidden arrogance, saying, “These individuals constantly complain about everything. They appear modest. They look like gentlemen and ladies, but whenever a word comes out of their mouth, they always needle and criticize. They never see the positive side. These individuals actually have hidden arrogance. This hidden arrogance works like this: The ego says, 'I am a good person, I am perfect, everyone else is flawed,' and they relieve themselves by pointing out others' deficiencies. They criticize and devalue the other party. They try to belittle them and gain control over them.”
Erroneous behavior should be corrected appropriately
Tarhan stated that these individuals also have high egos, noting that erroneous behaviors must be addressed appropriately. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan “Due to their complaining nature, these individuals also derive ego gratification. If a person feels valuable when complaining, but not valuable when not complaining, they will find something to complain about. Such individuals should be confronted with their complaints. Of course, when doing this, children, in particular, should do it without hurting or offending their parents.”
Perhaps you should look at their positive aspects?
Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of children's approach, said, “For example, a mother who constantly complains about her spouse and criticizes him at every opportunity could be approached like this: ‘Mom, look, you are a good person, you have good intentions, but let's look at Dad objectively too. Let's put his positive aspects on one scale and his negative aspects on another. Are you perhaps always seeing only his negative sides? Could it be that you're not seeing Dad's good sides?’ Such an approach can be taken. A mother should never be approached in a judgmental and accusatory way. ‘What kind of mother are you? What kind of wife are you? You treat your husband like this?’ pushes that person into defense. This situation can immediately put the mother on the defensive, saying ‘You don't love me’.” Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that a judgmental and accusatory attitude would lead to conflicts.
Children can offer ideas for a solution
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that in such conflict-ridden family situations, children have a duty to warn their mothers or fathers, saying, “For example, children can warn a mother who constantly criticizes the father. ‘Dad has positive aspects too. He comes home every evening. He meets the family's needs; if you tell Dad these things, see how he changes.’ The mother can also be guided in this way. Children can give the mother ideas about methods.”
One should assume a role of awareness, not a savior…
Tarhan advised that the child should take on a role of creating awareness between their parents rather than being a savior, emphasizing the importance of the language used. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that instead of blaming and using 'you' language when warning his mother, 'I' language should be used, saying, “If a child tells his mother, ‘Dad has these good qualities, but you are unconsciously pushing him there. As you complain, he becomes carefree and indifferent. The more you complain, the more it increases’ – this approach is 'you' language, meaning an accusatory, judgmental approach. Instead, if he says, ‘I become very anxious. I fear that things at home will go wrong,’ it could be more convincing.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also underlined that when creating awareness between parents, events must always be approached impartially.
Excessive criticism can drive one away from home
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also stated that family members who are constantly criticized might distance themselves from home, warning, “A person who is constantly criticized and complained about by their nagging spouse might distance themselves from home. The person criticizing might be doing it with good intentions, but they push their spouse away. Perhaps they are doing it to win them over or correct them, but the method they use has the opposite effect, driving them away.”
Tarhan noted that some people feed on these negative situations, saying, “For example, some people thrive on such situations. They withdraw. It suits them, for instance, to watch television. I remember such an example. When the man came home, he would turn the TV volume all the way up. The woman would complain. The more the woman complained, the louder the man would turn the volume. Then, somehow, they came to us; their marriage was almost over. I asked the man, ‘Why is it like this, is there a reason for turning it up?’ He said, ‘If I don't turn it up, my wife doesn't stop talking. I found that to be the only way out.’ In such situations, you are actually causing what you complain about. In another example, we saw this: The woman said her husband never smiled at home. We applied family evaluation scales. The husband was quite lively and cheerful outside. It turned out that when he was cheerful at home, the woman would constantly complain about things. The man found a solution in frowning. Because when he frowned, the woman would be silent. It's a simple thing, a small behavior, but it develops automatically. The person doing it is unaware. He frowns when he comes home, and it only comes out when confronted with his wife. The woman was smart and immediately changed her style. The man also started to smile, talk, and behave comfortably.”
They always set the bar high…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also pointed out that constantly critical individuals are also perfectionists, saying, “For these people, both their spouse and children must be perfect. They always set the bar, the standard, high. For example, if a child scores 97, they ask, ‘Why didn't you get 100?’ They say, ‘It would have been better if you got 100.’ Therefore, it is necessary to guide the critical person with appropriate language.”
Recognizing the problem means 50% solution
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also stated that complaining individuals should know the root of the problem, meaning themselves, well, saying, “Recognizing the problem means a 50% solution. When you realize it, the solution becomes easier. The children of these individuals can also sometimes look at themselves and avoid making the same mistakes and learn lessons. They can ask themselves, ‘Am I also a complainer like my mother or father? Am I always looking for someone else's flaws?’”
Laziness and fears hinder a person
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that complaining also pushes a person towards laziness, saying, “A similar situation happened to Prophet Moses (Hz. Musa). They were going to Jerusalem, but there were always obstacles. They worshipped the calf then… All his people said, ‘You and your Lord go and save us. We can't do anything. You and your Lord save us.’ That is, their laziness or fears cause this. Sometimes I observe, for example, why doesn't someone fight when they should? They leave everything to Allah… Three dervishes entered a cave. One said, ‘Allah provides sustenance.’ The other said, ‘Indeed, Allah provides, let's not chase after sustenance.’ Days passed in the cave, but there was nothing. They starved. And they were thinking, ‘Why isn't our sustenance coming?’ Then they heard sounds from outside. A few people had set up a table there and were eating. But the men had not invited them, saying, ‘There are dervishes inside, let's not disturb them.’ When one of the dervishes coughed, the people at the table came and asked if they needed anything. They joined the meal. After that, the smartest of the dervishes said, ‘We must attempt to use means, even if it's as little as a cough.’ Allah's name Al-Hakeem (The Wise) manifests itself. The name Al-Qadir (The All-Powerful) is in the afterlife, the name Ar-Rahim (The Most Merciful) is in the afterlife, the name Ar-Rahman (The Most Gracious) is in this world, but there is also the name Al-Hakeem. The name Al-Hakeem means you should seek wisdom in every event; wisdom means acting according to the causes. It is irrational to say, ‘May Allah make us rich without any effort.’”
Determinism is prevalent in Islam
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that Muslims today confuse laziness with helplessness, saying, “Tawakkul (reliance on God) is to entrust the outcomes to Allah after doing everything in our power. In Jabr (determinism), one entrusts from the beginning. There is complete laziness in Jabr. Not in all, but in the southern belt, determinism is very prevalent in Islam. It reduces everything to Allah, only to worship. Whereas, if your intention is divine pleasure, the permissible, worldly actions you do become acts of worship.”
Brain mapping reveals changes in the brain
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that individuals sometimes express not enjoying life, saying, “If a person has fatigue, they cannot get taste and pleasure from things. If they use expressions like ‘It would be better if I didn't live,’ monoamines such as serotonin, dopamine, and noradrenaline in the brain decrease due to stress. When we measure these changes in the brain using the brain mapping method, we can see them. In the initial period, we see beta waves. If it has lasted a long time, there are slow waves like theta and delta. We see those. These actually indicate that the brain is tired. We observe that the frontal areas, especially in the brain's decision-making region, slow down. As a result of this slowdown, the person eventually needs medication. Previously, we would estimate this, but now we mostly do it with what we call biological markers, or biomarkers. Whether a person needs that medication is determined by brain mapping.”
Mindfulness is positive psychology
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that positive psychology is currently attracting worldwide interest, saying, “Slovenian sociologist, philosopher, and cultural critic Slavoj Žižek says, ‘Mindfulness is the last refuge of capitalism.’ What is mindfulness? It is positive psychology. That is, it is based on a modern methodology inspired by Anatolian wisdom and Sufi culture. It's like a kind of inner journey without Tawhid (Oneness of God) and belief in Allah. In psychiatry, it is referred to as third-generation psychotherapies. It is also referred to as metacognitive. It is also called meta-mind treatment. Every person should have something sacred. You treat a person according to what their sacred is. It's a treatment method that accepts the presence of one's sacred. This is actually a psychological revolution. Žižek is right, but here, without Tawhid, there is no sacred. He will find it. I think he will also see that it doesn't work. The most rational belief is the belief in Tawhid.”