Üsküdar University Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan held a talk with parents and educators at Acıbadem Schools. In the talk titled “Family Communication and Psychological Support in Education,” Tarhan addressed points to consider in family communication. Stating that lack of communication is worse than conflictual communication, Tarhan emphasized that selfishness is the primary enemy of marriage. Tarhan stated that one should not lie in marriage, even in jest, and underlined that the most common mistake in marriage is to attribute blame to external causes when a problem arises, and that if medical hygiene is handwashing, psychological hygiene is self-criticism.
The talk held at Acıbadem Schools Çamlıca campus attracted great interest.
“Lack of communication is worse than conflictual communication”
Emphasizing that there are three types of communication in family communication, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said: “The first is healthy communication. When there is a problem, the parties sit down and talk, solve the problem, learn something, and then disperse. This is always possible. Then there is a second type of communication, which is conflictual communication. One says 'A,' and the other understands 'B.' Both sides have good intentions and love, but they just can't agree. They can't manage together, and they won't be able to if they stay apart either. Such conflictual communication can last. 50 years pass, and they are still bickering. And then there is the worst, which is lack of communication. That is, lack of communication is worse than conflictual communication. There is no love there, no good intentions either. This is worse than conflictual communication.”
“It needs to be nurtured like a barbecue fire”
Stating that various fears and suspicions emerge when emotional distance opens up in marriage, Tarhan said: “There is a honeymoon period in marriage. During this period, there is healthy communication, a period of romance. The second period is one of conflict. That is, it definitely happens in every family. It's not possible for it not to happen. If it doesn't, there is an abnormality. After two different people get married, the man devotes himself to work, and the woman devotes herself to her children. The emotional distance between them opens up. The relationship in marriage is like our relationship with fire. If you get too close, it burns you; if you get too far, you get cold. You need to maintain a certain distance, but also nurture it in between. Marriage is like this; it needs to be nurtured like a barbecue fire. If you get too close, a conflict or problem arises. If you get too far, the problems escalate. When emotional distance opens up, various fears and suspicions emerge. That is, even if both parties' love for each other continues, interest decreases. One of the acts of love is showing interest. Spending time together, dedicating time, is one of the acts of love. When interest weakens, various fears begin.”
“If medical hygiene is handwashing, psychological hygiene is self-criticism”
Emphasizing the importance of awareness and self-criticism, Tarhan said: “Problems are a part of growth and development. When you fear a problem, bigger problems arise. You either cover it up or react disproportionately, making the problem even more unsolvable. Approaching these problems is like approaching microbes. For example, the general rule to avoid getting sick from microbes is to pay attention to hygiene. You wash your hands before eating, you pay attention to cleanliness. If you pay attention to these, microbes may enter the body, but because you've taken precautions against them, they won't spread. Faults in marital relationships are like microbes. You can't escape them, but if you show the right attitude, they will be unconsciously cleaned away. Expecting a flawless spouse would be nice, but it's not possible, nor realistic. The most common mistake is to attribute blame to external causes when a problem occurs. If medical hygiene is handwashing, psychological hygiene is self-criticism. If a person can say, 'What percentage of this problem did I cause?' when faced with an issue—which corresponds to awareness in our culture—first, to realize it, and second, to practice self-criticism. This is the first condition for psychological hygiene. When you do this, you won't be unfair to yourself.”
Selfishness is the primary enemy of marriage…
Stating that where selfishness exists, there is conditional love, Tarhan said: “The biggest enemy of self-criticism is egocentrism. Imam Ghazali (Hazretleri) says, ‘If you fill a room with all evils, pride opens its door.’ It is the same in marriage. If a person says, ‘I know everything,’ and there is pride and ego, that person seeks a master-slave relationship in marriage. This happens in both women and men. They try to control the other. Selfishness is the primary enemy of marriage. Where selfishness exists, love becomes conditional love. Conditional love is selfish love; it is not true love. If there is a concept greater than love, it is compassion. Compassion includes empathy. If love is water, respect is its container.”
“Avoid lying, even in jest!”
Stating that the expectation in marriage is peace, Tarhan said: “One should not lie in marriage, even in jest. Because where there is a lie, even if there is love, love erodes, and fear emerges. Questioning begins, trust weakens. Without trust, there is no peace. The expectation in marriage is peace. Creating peace is the highest goal of marriage. If marriage is a ship voyage, the goal of that ship is to be able to make a peaceful journey. One needs to ask the question, ‘How can you make your marriage peaceful?’ Honesty is very important here. It's important to have an open, transparent, and honest relationship without lying, an accountable relationship…”
“Female and male brains differ in their perspective and perception of events”
Explaining the differences between the right and left brains, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said: “Female and male brains differ in their perspective and perception of events. Knowing this difference is important. For example, the left brain carries masculine characteristics, working rationally in areas such as logic, reasoning, analysis, speech, and calculation. It wants to make quick decisions and is results-oriented. The right brain, on the other hand, has feminine characteristics, is process-oriented, and is concerned with emotions, excitement, music, art, and aesthetics. By focusing on aesthetics and emotions, it emphasizes the quality and carefulness of work. While the right brain is inquisitive and adopts a process-oriented approach, the left brain wants to make quicker decisions with a results-oriented approach. The frontal part of the brain provides balance between these two sides. This balance allows us to look at events from different angles.”
“Instead of opposing it, we need to use it correctly and wisely”
Emphasizing the importance of media literacy, Tarhan stated that instead of opposing artificial intelligence, it should be used correctly. Tarhan said: “Adolescents are digital natives because they were born into the digital world. Digital natives use artificial intelligence very well, better than others. Without mental and emotional maturity, they suddenly face the dangerous world of artificial intelligence. Parental support in this regard is insufficient. When you look at today's youth, one of the biggest problems they face is not having media literacy. In Sweden, they say not to give it to children at all until they are 2 years old. They also say not to give it for more than 3 hours until they are 15, for entertainment purposes outside of school. If you do, digital addiction forms in children. That’s why they say just as the invention of the printing press brought about a change in the world, artificial intelligence will also bring about change. Artificial intelligence is currently creating a new form of relationship, human form, and way of life in the world. Instead of opposing it, we need to use it correctly and wisely.”
“Pleasure-oriented life philosophy is rapidly spreading globally”
Stating that young people with a purpose should be raised, Tarhan expressed that young people without ideals are adrift. Tarhan said: “Opposing technology is wrong, as is completely giving ourselves over to it. We need to use its wind as we head towards our goal. We need to use its power. We must have a purpose. Artificial intelligence, digital technology, and the internet use people who lack purpose. There are concrete and abstract goals in life. Young people who have clear goals, ideals, and causes do not easily get carried away. Young people without a cause or ideal are adrift. Aristotle divides happiness into two: hedonic happiness and eudaimonic happiness. Eudaimonic happiness is pleasure happiness. The happiness offered by modernism is pleasure happiness. It says, ‘What you like is good, what you don't like is bad. Do what you want, don't do what you don't want. You only live once.’ The pleasure-oriented philosophy of life is rapidly spreading globally. Currently, our country is not under occupation, but our minds are. If a culture dominates a society, it dominates that society. If that culture dictates how that society thinks, how it dreams, how it dresses, how it decides, then that culture is dominating and exploiting. Therefore, we need to raise young people with a purpose.”