Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, wrote an article this week in his Hürriyet Aile column on the topic of “The Secret Law of Psychology: No Pain, No Gain!”
How difficulties affect us changes according to the meaning we attribute to them. There is a saying I emphasize often. Pain and difficulty are a part of growth. If there is no pain, no struggle, there is no growth. There is no gain. “No pain no gain” – no difficulty, no gain! This is the secret law of psychology. According to this rule, whoever seeks challenges and overcomes them grows through the process.
We can liken the process of life to a mountaineer. What does a mountaineer do? He aims to climb to great heights. First, he has a goal. Someone without a goal is swept away by difficulties, but if they have a goal, they try a path to reach it. If they can't make it, they try another alternative path. In this process, those with weak endurance and psychological resilience give up and stay right there. Those with high resilience try a second, third time, and eventually reach the summit, their goal, from somewhere.
There is a story about a King of England during the time of civil wars in England. His army was scattered in the civil war, and he took refuge alone in a cave. Just as he was contemplating suicide, he saw a spider there. As the spider was spinning its web, it jumped once and failed, jumped twice and failed… And on the seventh jump, it had made one edge of its web. The King then said, ‘A spider struggles this much to make its web. Why should I give up?’ He emerged, rallied his scattered army, and became king. Therefore, the first thing to do in such situations is not to fall into despair.
Along with not losing hope, the second important point in dealing with difficulties is definitely to think result-oriented. If a person thinks only in a situation-focused way, asking ‘Why did this happen to me?’, their anxiety increases after a while, and they start making mistakes.
Why is psychological resilience important?
The concept of “psychological resilience” has begun to be widely researched in psychology in recent decades. Especially in the new generation, psychological resilience appears to be low. The reason for this is that previous generations, meaning those aged 30 and above, grew up amidst difficulties. They didn't get many things easily. They reached a certain point by striving, getting tired, and developing that way. In other words, they matured amidst difficulties and scarcity. However, the current generations, those under 30, the generation we call Generation Z, grew up obtaining many things easily. They are maturing in abundance…
I would like to elaborate a little more. For example, if a mother fulfills every wish of her child, she even takes away her child's ability to dream. If a child easily obtains a candy, they won't put effort into thinking or dreaming about candy. In this situation, the child thinks, ‘It's already coming ready-made; my mother thinks more about me than I do myself.’ When even a child's ability to dream is taken away, the child cannot advance their thoughts or develop their mind. We look at the current parenting model; unfortunately, they display a mistaken attitude, largely saying, ‘We suffered, so they shouldn't.’
Today, there is a parenting style that permits everything. When a person is raised this way, they become lazy. They become complacent and easily give up at the slightest crisis.
The child abuses parental affection.
Resilience skills must be acquired
Children need to acquire resilience skills. In our positive psychology education, there is resilience training and an emotional intelligence test for children in adolescence. It is also known as the Marshmallow Test. In this test, they bring marshmallows (lokum) in boxes to the classroom. Observers follow from outside. They say, ‘We will give one marshmallow to those who want it immediately, but those who wait 15 minutes will get as many marshmallows as they want.’ One group of children takes the marshmallow immediately, eats it, and reaches their goal. Others run around, playing, to wait for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, they get a handful of marshmallows. Then they follow these children for 20 years. After 20 years, the children who had the ability to delay gratification showed 20 percent higher emotional intelligence. They are more successful in relationships with peers and the opposite sex.
Today, people are raised very negatively in terms of delaying gratification. In the age of pleasure and speed, they say, ‘Immediately and now.’ The message ‘You will first think about your goal’ is conveyed. Yet, ‘To reach that goal, stop studying, play on the computer. You are free, do what you want’ is being said.
A person needs to learn psychological resilience. Individuals who develop this skill within themselves emerge with gains if they take the right stance when faced with difficulty, but if they cannot face it correctly, they emerge with losses.
There are various crises in a family. When a crisis or a difficulty arises, the psychology of being able to recover from a bad outcome as quickly as possible is called psychological resilience. The ability to recover from a bad outcome as quickly as possible is referred to as psychological resilience. In Turkish, its most beautiful equivalent is the word ‘yılmazlık’ (resilience/indomitability).
Possible solutions must be identified
In such situations, a person needs to correctly analyze the event. ‘This event upset me greatly, why did it upset me, and why did this event happen? What do I need to do to prevent it from happening again?’ For this, we first recommend defining the problem. After defining the problem, they will separate the possible solutions into a, b, c, d. They will decide on one of these best solutions and proceed along that path.
Insolvability and uncertainty are things that escalate a crisis. When faced with an obstacle, they will not go back to the beginning, but will take a step in the direction of one of the possible solutions they have previously identified. They will strive, sweat, struggle, but they will overcome.
Which model suits you?
In stress management, there is the sponge, rubber, and Teflon model. Let's consider which of these models we fit. There are sponge-type people. What happens to a sponge? It absorbs water. It swells and swells, becomes unable to function, and stays that way. Some people accumulate problems, accumulate them, cry, sit, and remain unable to do anything. Some people are like Teflon. Teflon itself doesn't burn, but it burns what it touches. Teflon people are narcissistic, selfish individuals. They cause trouble for those around them and don't care at all if these people cry or feel sad. These types of people eventually end up alone. They start fighting with themselves. Teflon people cannot solve problems; they only selfishly protect themselves. For example, a grandfather, whose grandchild is sick, says, ‘Oh, don’t tell me he’s sick, I can’t bear it.’ He denies it. This is a Teflon type. There is egocentrism. These types of people deny reality by ignoring it. After a while, they are left alone and cannot cope with greater stress.
The third type of people are the rubber type. Rubber has a structure that can easily return to its original state. When these types of people experience an event, they absorb it, don't fall apart, but then return to their original state. It is important for a person to be like rubber in the face of events. That is, they will emerge strengthened from a negative situation or event. We call these individuals people who have gained psychological resilience.
One must seek challenges
Good results are achieved after overcoming obstacles and stones. Therefore, seeking challenges is important. If we want both success and psychological resilience, we must seek challenges and not be afraid of them. If a difficulty arises, one needs to think, ‘How will I overcome this?’ and not be afraid. If you focus on the question, ‘How do I escape from difficulty?’, you cannot develop. You will always remain dependent on someone. This is indeed the characteristic of dependent individuals. They expect everything from someone else.
What can be done in the family to acquire this skill? When there is a crisis in the family, it becomes an opportunity for the whole family to come together. This situation is similar to what we experienced during the pandemic. In such challenging crisis times, family members should no longer deal with each other's flaws. When there is war outside, enmities within the village are forgotten. This is a general rule. When an enemy comes from outside, internal enmities are forgotten.
During crisis periods, it is important not to fall into despair and to be able to think in a solution-oriented way. What is important now is to maintain a warm atmosphere and an atmosphere of solidarity within the family and society. When difficulties arise, a cool-headed courage is needed to cope with them. Instead of being afraid, one needs to try to solve problems with courage.