President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, addressed the topic of “Communication Between Spouses and Parental Behaviors” at the Family School program organized by Sakarya Metropolitan Municipality, Sakarya Provincial Mufti's Office, and the Family and Religious Guidance Coordination Office. In the program, which attracted great interest from the people of Sakarya, Tarhan highlighted the decisive role of the family institution in the individual's character and value development, emphasizing the importance of empathy, understanding, and a complementary relationship in communication between spouses. Stating that a balance of love and discipline must be maintained in child-rearing, Tarhan also touched upon the risks of early age screen exposure, asserting that families should act consciously in this regard. Tarhan noted that the family, which he described as the first home to teach values to children, also guides human life.
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Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “The first institution that guides human life is the family”
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The people of Sakarya showed great interest in the talk held at Sakarya Adapazarı Cultural Center (AKM). Many participants followed the talk with interest, trying to listen despite the crowd overflowing outside the hall.
Chief Public Prosecutor Hasan Uğurlu, Head of Culture, Arts and Social Affairs Department Alpay Şirin, Sakarya Provincial Mufti Deputy Burhan Bilgin, and many participants attended the talk. The program started with a welcoming speech by Burhan Bilgin.
Prof. Nevzat Tarhan: “The first institution that guides human life is the family”
Emphasizing that raising people is the most important long-term investment, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan said; “There is a Chinese proverb: ‘If you want a one-year investment, plant wheat; if you want a ten-year investment, plant trees; if you want a 50-year, 100-year investment, raise people.’ From the perspective of raising people, this is truly the case. Technology gives speed to our lives, but human values guide our lives. In this life, the first institution that guides a person's life is the family. The first teacher to lay the groundwork for how a child will develop their life and what kind of person they will be in the future, in the child's developing soul, is their mother. The father comes later here, but the mother is the first. She plants the first seed in the child's developing soul. Therefore, it is necessary to keep the institution of motherhood very vibrant and alive. Currently, serious problems related to this are being experienced all over the world.”
“In our culture, the essential relationship is a complementary one”
Stating that ego wars are the most fundamental problem in family relationships, Tarhan said; “When we talk about the family institution, parental behaviors, and communication between spouses, the most common problem we encounter here is ego wars. ‘My mother, your mother; my money, your money; what I say, what you say...’ This is the most common situation we face today. The global system and capitalist approach have transformed the relationship between men and women into a competitive one. However, in our culture, the essential relationship is a complementary one.”
“Global culture encourages fierce competition…”
Assessing the effects of global competitive culture on happiness, Tarhan said; “The current global culture encourages fierce competition. When there's a race, 10 people compete, 3 win, 7 lose. This system is not healthy. Applying this in family life is one of the biggest obstacles to happiness. For this, one needs to know how to be happy with ordinary things. Drinking a cup of tea, being healthy when you wake up in the morning... These are gratitude modules, thankfulness modules. For example, if someone helped you in the past, go and buy them a gift. You see, a new friendship begins.”
“Compassion is a prosocial emotion”
Stating that empathy and understanding are decisive in family communication, Tarhan said; “In the most common family problems we encounter, there is a lack of effort to understand the other party. To understand the other party, one needs to ask questions, and listen. This is what we call 'empathic communication'. When the other party says something, we immediately respond with our preconceived notions. However, we should say, ‘Why did they ask this question? Why did they fail the exam? Why did they do this?’ When we try to understand and find the reason, or even if we can't find the reason, the child says, ‘They tried to understand me, so they value me.’ The most beautiful gift a mother or father can give to their child is the time they set aside for them. That quality time spent with eye contact and listening is the most precious gift. Don't buy expensive gifts in vain. The most beautiful gift between a husband and wife in a family is a loving gaze, a smile, a few kind words, and a warm touch. Isn't it very cheap? This is the most beautiful and practical gift that partners can give each other. It is also much more effective in family communication than resorting to psychoanalysis or various other methods. You resolve many things without realizing it. This is something taught by our culture and values. We abandoned these. With the drift brought by modernism, we forgot many easy and practical ways. These are called prosocial values. Prosocial values mean being able to think of others before oneself, and focusing on their needs by empathizing. Compassion is a prosocial emotion.”
“The first home to teach values to children is the family”
Stating that values are the fundamental elements that ensure social unity, Tarhan said; “Values are the elements that keep us together in society. The first home to teach values to children is the family. The family is also the one to teach the feeling of compassion. Our elders say, ‘My child, be fair, be conscientious.’ The word 'insaaf' comes from the Arabic root 'nisf'. 'Nisf' means half. ‘Be fair’ means to think half from your own perspective, and half from someone else's perspective. That means to empathize. It means not to think only of your own interests. We talk about 'huzur' in the family. The word 'huzur' does not have an exact equivalent in English. There is 'happiness' but not 'huzur'. For this reason, Seligman, one of the pioneers of positive psychology, used the term 'authentic happiness' instead of 'huzur'. The word 'huzur' comes from the Arabic root 'hazır', meaning to be ready. That means you will be ready for good, you will be ready for bad, and you will expect good. Being accepting... We use this in treatments as 'Acceptance and Commitment Therapy' (ACT). There are things you can control, and things you cannot. You need to accept and manage the things you cannot control. When you don't accept, constant stress occurs.”
“Even babies make swiping gestures with their fingers while sleeping”
Drawing attention to the risks of early age screen exposure in children, Tarhan said; “Screen exposure in children aged 0-3 is an important issue. Currently, in countries like Sweden and Norway, children's digital screen exposure has been severely restricted, even banned. This is because there are studies on this topic. A study conducted at a university in the USA found negative effects on the development of white matter, i.e., connection pathways, in the brains of children with screen exposure. Screen exposure between 0-3 years negatively affects the development of connections in the child's brain. Some experts even describe this as digital autism. For this reason, they say that no screens should be given between the ages of 0-3, and serious implementations have begun in this regard. Because we give screens to children while feeding them. Previously, when there were no tablets, their uncle would come, do a somersault, make the child laugh, and we would put the bite in their mouth. Now they do the same thing with a tablet. However, this time the child becomes addicted to the screen. It is even observed that babies make swiping gestures with their fingers while sleeping. It affects their brains to that extent.”
“We pass through trials on the path of life”
Taking the story of Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) from a different perspective, Tarhan said; “The story of Prophet Yusuf is a very important and exemplary narrative. We usually read it from the perspective of Prophet Yusuf. However, it should also be considered from the perspective of Prophet Yakup (Jacob). Prophet Yakup loved Prophet Yusuf very much. Because he loved him so much, he showed this love clearly. When he made this evident, jealousy arose among the brothers, and they threw him into the well. Thus, the trial of Prophet Yakup began here, as did the trial of Prophet Yusuf and the trials of the other brothers... This story shows us that when we set out on the path of life, even a prophet like Prophet Yakup goes through such a trial. The trial of Prophet İbrahim (Abraham) is different; he also went through a separate trial. We pass through trials on the path of life. There is this message in this trial: a matter of jealousy regarding love can be thought of as a divine balance.”
“Excessive love and freedom create an illusion”
Drawing attention to the importance of balance and moderation in child-rearing, Tarhan said; “One of the biggest problems of our age is that while living in an era of speed and pleasure, we have lost moderation, balance, that is, the middle way. Young people are currently oscillating between excess and deficiency. One of the most common mistakes we encounter occurs during child-rearing. Due to excessive love, a child sometimes enters into a wrong perception of freedom. Excessive love and freedom create an illusion. If the child is the leader of the house, there will be no moderation. It is necessary to teach the child the limits of life. Being a parent is not about doing everything the child says. Motherhood and fatherhood are not just about making the child happy, but about teaching the child about life. It is necessary to instill in the child the ability to say no, but you will do this by saying no with reasons.”
At the end of the program, a gift was presented to President of Üsküdar University, Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan.
