Within the scope of the “365 Days Family” Project, supported by the General Directorate of Relations with Civil Society of the Ministry of Interior, conducted under the scientific consultancy of Üsküdar University and implemented by the Valuable Lives Education Association (DEHADER), an online talk was held with Psychiatrist Prof. Nevzat Tarhan, President of Üsküdar University. Prof. Tarhan emphasized that family mentorship is a long term, goal oriented process that continues throughout the entire year. During the talk, global transformations in family structures and cultural differences were discussed in detail. Addressing the concepts of post traumatic growth and exploratory hopelessness, Tarhan also underlined the importance of solution focused communication, the complementary relationship model, and sustaining hope.
The online event was also attended by Vice Rector of Üsküdar University Prof. Türker Tekin Ergüzel. The session was moderated by Mine Yeter from DEHADER.
“If we do not take precautions, we may face the same situation in twenty years”
Drawing attention to the long term nature of family mentorship, Prof. Tarhan stated: “Family mentorship is a process that continues for 365 days. Spreading this across an entire year means creating a project in which families can be supported in cooperation with educators at any time. The content of the project must be structured correctly. We compiled the subject of family into books and printed modules. All of these modules together formed a book of nearly one thousand pages. Every topic to be addressed, along with all visuals, is included. Among these modules, the one most suitable for family mentorship is the ‘Pink Module.’ The Pink Module is designed for couples who have recently married, those with minor issues, individuals preparing for marriage, or couples who have not experienced major marital problems. In the United States, similar programs are implemented under the name ‘Family Refreshment’ programs. In Turkish, this can be referred to as a ‘Family Renewal Program.’ Candidate families attend a weekend program with their children, adults, and specialists, staying at a hotel or center like a camp. Ten to fifteen families participate, spending the entire day with experts. Topics are addressed through question and answer sessions, and a total of twelve hours of training is provided over two days. These are practical and already implemented methods, not ideas that need to be rediscovered. We aim to adapt such programs to our own culture, as family structures and cultural norms differ significantly. In Western societies, open marriages and multiple relationships are common, and family systems are in a much more fragile state. We are currently in a better position, but if we do not take precautions, we may face the same situation in twenty years.”
“We recommend holding family meetings”
Emphasizing that mentorship is a goal oriented and purposeful process, Prof. Tarhan said: “Mentorship involves cooperation toward a clearly defined goal and the creation of a roadmap. This aligns well with our cultural perspective on marriage. In our culture, the term ‘couple’ is not traditionally used for husband and wife; instead, we say ‘refik’ and ‘refika,’ meaning male and female companions on the same journey. In family mentorship, family related concepts are discussed through various modules. One family can act as a goal companion or mentor for another family. Alternatively, a guidance counselor can serve as a mentor for a family. In some cases, we recommend holding family meetings. Families mentoring other families is also a viable model. Another approach involves a trained individual with a background in psychological counseling who has received mentorship training. In such cases, we recommend weekly sessions within the family. If there are problems, each member writes them down instead of arguing. Once a week, the family gathers, the mentor moderates, and issues are discussed constructively. There are fundamental concepts in family communication, such as using ‘I language’ instead of ‘you language.’ If a family has one hundred problems, eighty percent usually stem from twenty percent of the core issues. This is known as the Pareto principle. When that twenty percent is resolved, the majority of problems are eliminated.”
“Power struggles are presented as a relationship based on dominance”
Stating that families should adopt a complementary rather than competitive relationship model, Prof. Tarhan explained: “Major areas of conflict include financial spending, particularly related to children’s education. Instead of focusing on problems, it is essential to be solution oriented and emphasize positive communication. These topics are addressed extensively in the modules, starting with awareness. Globally, modern Western culture portrays marriage as a competitive relationship, where spouses compete rather than complement one another. This power struggle promotes domination instead of cooperation. However, even in the West, this approach is now being questioned. Families should be built on complementary relationships, not competition.”
“The mentorship process begins with learning these three styles”
Highlighting the importance of continuity in mentorship, Prof. Tarhan stated: “In mentorship, it is crucial to develop problem solving skills, communication styles, and stress management styles. There are three fundamental styles: coping style, communication style, and problem solving style. The mentorship process begins by recognizing and learning these styles. Afterward comes the phase of developing problem solving skills.
Mentors work closely with selected families, sometimes involving children and even multiple families mentoring one another together. Regular weekly meetings can be held. One of the most effective methods is reading case based books and discussing them collectively. Case analyses related to family dynamics are highly beneficial. If families and experts can conduct one or two hour mentorship sessions weekly, families can apply what they learn in daily life and reflect on these experiences during the next session. This creates a mentorship process that continues for 365 days.”
“Every experience has an opportunity dimension”
Addressing traumatic experiences, Prof. Tarhan emphasized: “There are two ways to approach traumatic events such as natural disasters: focusing on the threat or focusing on the opportunity. When we focus solely on the threat, chronic stress develops, leading to increased illness, domestic conflict, and group stress. The same applies in workplaces. However, every experience also has an opportunity dimension, which we call post traumatic growth. Some individuals recover faster, while others take longer. People should focus on what they can control rather than what they cannot.”
“Those who do not lose hope encounter unexpected opportunities”
Drawing attention to the concept of exploratory hopelessness, Prof. Tarhan concluded: “When people fall into hopelessness, we refer to this as exploratory hopelessness. In therapy, we often use the example of two frogs falling into a milk vat. One gives up, believing escape is impossible, while the other continues struggling, refusing to lose hope. Eventually, a layer of butter forms, allowing the frog to escape. In life, those who do not lose hope encounter unexpected options and opportunities. This is what we call the ‘Hidden Law of Psychology.’ Therefore, the most important task is to keep hope alive. Saying ‘Yes, we are facing difficulties now, but there will be positive outcomes in the medium and long term’ and approaching challenges as opportunities through positive psychotherapy is one of the most effective trauma treatments today.”