Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan was a live broadcast guest on TGRT Haber. Making evaluations on the topic of “Fighting Substance Addiction”, Tarhan said; “The approach to a child using substances should not involve violence. Substance users can be considered sick first, then criminal. The biggest reason for substance addiction is wrong friends plus a weak family. Instead of asking individuals with substance addiction why they use substances, one should ask what pain they are experiencing.”
“The biggest reason for substance addiction is wrong friends plus a weak family”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan pointed out that individuals who are victims of addiction, especially in the family, feel lonely and experience many childhood traumas; “Currently, there are cases as young as 11 years old. We know that we admit 11-year-old children for substance addiction. Of course, there are two reasons I encounter most frequently. Wrong friends plus a weak family. When individuals who are victims of addiction in the family are examined, they feel lonely, unhappy, and have many childhood traumas. Nowadays, social support is weak. Social support, meaning there used to be neighborliness, friendships. People would immediately gather around such individuals and relieve their loneliness. Look, there's a mouse experiment. A group of mice is subjected to a cocaine addiction experiment. The mouse presses the pedal and consumes the substance until it dies. The reward system in the brain breaks down, it consumes and dies. They take that group of mice and put them back into their natural social environment; the pedals are still there. However, when it's in its own social environment, with all the individuals it played, traveled, and spent time with, it stops, it starts to not press the pedal. It's an attachment disorder. There's the Minnesota model, a 12-step treatment for addiction. One of the points of that treatment is for the person to feel that they believe in a higher power. When they feel that they believe in a higher power, they don't feel alone. It can be a mental refuge, a guardian angel; if a person has a strong belief, with its effect, they don't give up there and continue to struggle. The approach to a child using substances should not involve violence.”
“To become individualized does not mean for a person to become selfish”
Tarhan emphasized that the increase in selfishness leads to addictions and conflicts; “How do you live happily, how do you not fall into depression again? It is absolutely possible, investment should be made. If you want to be happy, you will succeed in making your close circle happy. The brain secretes happiness hormones. Don't lose that feature. Some, even some colleagues, say 'you are important, never mind making others happy'. This is selfishness; self-confidence is different from self-admiration. To become individualized does not mean for a person to become selfish. The increase in selfishness is currently one of the biggest causes of addictions and conflicts. Ego wars occur in relationships. In all relationships, there are power struggles, personality struggles. In such situations, a losing system is formed, not a winning one. Unfortunately, there is no winner. The current field of modernism tells us that the one who takes will be happy. But right now, the one who shares is happy. The giver is happy.” He said.
“Parents with a high sense of responsibility constantly criticize their children”
Tarhan, stating that it is correct to take the child by our side and walk together instead of taking them in front of us and correcting them, conveyed that families with a high sense of responsibility constantly criticize their children with these words; “The child comes home feeling as if they are coming to court. My mother will come again, another life lesson at breakfast, another lecture, another sermon... A mother cannot be a teacher, a mother cannot be a psychologist. A mother should be a mother. Instead of taking the child in front of us and correcting them, it is better to take them by our side and walk together, or even dance together. Dance is two-sided. It is necessary to move together. If they move together and make progress together, they share a lot. They find many common points. There are two actions. One is wrong, one is right. Instead of correcting the wrong action, one should say 'look how good the right action turned out'. They brought a report card. They have three failing grades, seven good grades. It is necessary to say 'you did so well with the good grades, how can we fix these three grades?'. What do we do? We say 'why did you get these three, look you have everything you want'. Of course, when this happens, a defensive feeling awakens in the child. It becomes 'you' language. However, one should speak to children using 'I' language. Like 'If I were in your place, I would do this from now on'. Even the ego of a child in the womb is interestingly high. Egocentrism has never been glorified so much in human history.” he said.
“Children's mental flexibility is very high”
Tarhan, stating that children do not need substance addiction when they spend time with them and share conversations; “If there is dialogue instead of monologue, the child does not feel the need to use substances. If they get stuck on something, if it's a monologue, they can come and talk. In such situations, it is necessary to listen. We don't listen, we are impatient. When we don't listen, the child thinks 'I will open the topic again, and they will give me another lecture'. The child internalizes it, tells their friends. There is even a concept called 'abandonment without distance'. They are in the same house, but the mother has dedicated herself to work. She cleans the child, feeds and waters them. She dedicates herself to work. No conversation, no chat. The child is actually experiencing emotional neglect. Just as our body gets sick if it doesn't get protein, carbohydrates; if it doesn't get vitamins, minerals, elements, disease gradually emerges. If the child remains unloved, they think. My mother doesn't actually love me. Actually, your mother loves you. There is no emotional expression. They think they are not loved, this time emotional neglect occurs. They give their emotional needs either to television or to toys. Children's mental flexibility is very high. They adapt very easily.”
“We all have a narcissistic core within us”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, explaining the characteristics of narcissism with examples, pointed out that people with this personality type are afraid of being ordinary. Tarhan said; “We all have a narcissistic core within us. Freud beautifully described narcissism in children. Children think the world revolves around them. A schizophrenic thinks the world revolves around them. Wars break out, it rains. They are happy in their own world but detached from reality. Narcissistic individuals also have it in the form of a personality disorder; they consider themselves special and important. And they see the sense of entitlement as directed towards themselves. They say 'let only my conditions be met, let power and authority be with me'. They love to dominate. Their control feelings are high. They desire a master-slave relationship. They want their spouse or employees to be slaves. They demand absolute obedience. Their biggest fear is being ordinary. Napoleon, for example, is one of the famous narcissists. He has a drive to dominate. A sense of grandiosity, 'I am special, I am unique'. They swell with success. Then they say 'either success or death'. When they fail, they are completely devastated and commit suicide. Napoleon said, 'The days I was happy do not exceed six days.' A narcissist's life is not possible because they are afraid of being ordinary. They feed on praise. A narcissistic person gets treated if they become aware of themselves. Living with a narcissist requires some art, some mastery. If you live with a narcissistic person, you need to protect your emotions well from that person. If you make a concession, they will constantly want to expand their area of dominance. If you say no and you are right, they will accept it. You must set boundaries against narcissists by saying no.”
“Parenting is a job that requires responsibility”
Tarhan, stating that children should be approached with methods of persuasion and conviction; “We will go through persuasion and conviction, which means dedicating more time to the child. We have to dedicate time; otherwise, you shouldn't have children. Parenting is actually a job that requires responsibility. I will be free, and I will be a parent; that shouldn't be the case. I will be free, I will live as I please; that doesn't work. In marriage, the 'we' consciousness is important. This is also something that needs to be learned and invested in. Since we are currently in an era of social storms, we cannot maintain old situations. We also cannot adapt to new ones. We are becoming a generation that is wasted. You will proceed with scientific soundness. There is no 'I learned from my father, I learned from my mother'. Here, scientific soundness is needed. Before, parents would give support like 'don't do that, my daughter; don't do that, my son'; now that's also gone. In the establishment of the Ottoman Empire, which caused our settlement in Anatolia, there are Mevlana and Yunus Emre. That is, many things are built upon their teachings. This is currently deteriorating, we are losing it. When we say 'our family is strong, nothing will happen to us, that's why the family is the last fortress,' sometimes there are objections. Currently, there is an important city with protecting waters in this respect. When that is destroyed, there is an inner castle that protects. The family is like an inner castle. Now social norms are broken. We underestimated social norms by calling them social addiction pressure. These actually protected. 'Don't do that, my daughter; don't do that, my son; neighbors are like this.' They used to prevent many excesses. Your castle has an open gate; social media, television. It is necessary to check whether that is the only area of interest or not.” he said.