Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that the combination of narcissistic personality, Machiavellianism, and antisocial tendencies is called the “dark triad,” saying, “When this triad comes together, it behaves like a cancer cell. A cancer cell is boundless, irresponsible, and insatiable. It only grows itself, devouring its surroundings. Toxic personalities are the same. They don't empathize; they just say ‘me, me, me.’ If you don't set boundaries, toxic personalities grow.” Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that toxic personalities enslave people through different methods, adding, “Some enslave by praising, some by scolding, some by violence. But even if the method changes, the goal is the same: to control the other party.”
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, evaluated the topic of toxic personalities and relationships on the Akla Ziyan Program broadcast on EKOTOTÜRK TV.
A snake's venom in the right dose is medicine, too much kills
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan drew attention to the risks created by toxic personalities in individual relationships and social life, stating, “A snake’s venom in the right dose is medicine, too much kills. Some characteristics of human nature are like this. When used appropriately and moderately, they can be beneficial, but if used manipulatively, they become toxic.”
A bully and victim relationship emerges
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that manipulation is usually prominent in toxic relationships, saying, “A relationship that appears normal becomes toxic when manipulation begins. In these relationships, there is a bully and a victim. Bullies choose their candidates well, manipulate them, and exert pressure. Some individuals do this intentionally, while others do it unconsciously as a part of their character. We are talking about two types of personalities: those who manipulate intentionally and those who do it because they believe it is correct.”
Type B personalities lack empathy
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also pointed to personality disorders, stating, “Type B personalities, in particular, carry risks. Narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders lay the groundwork for toxic relationships. A common characteristic of these personalities is a lack of empathy. Their egos are very high, and they are closed to criticism. They perceive criticism as a threat and immediately differentiate between friends and enemies. When such individuals are in decision-making positions, great danger arises.”
The dark triad is like a cancer cell
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that the combination of narcissistic personality, Machiavellianism, and antisocial tendencies is called the “dark triad,” saying, “When this triad comes together, it behaves like a cancer cell. A cancer cell is boundless, irresponsible, and insatiable. It only grows itself, devouring its surroundings. Toxic personalities are the same. They don’t empathize; they just say 'me, me, me.' In our bodies, the immune system sets boundaries for cancer cells and stops them. The same method applies to human relationships: if you don’t set boundaries, toxic personalities grow.”
Intention analysis should be done
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that the most critical point in dealing with toxic personalities is “intention analysis,” adding, “Is a person manipulating intentionally, or are they doing it believing it is right? This distinction needs to be made. Just like in law, there is a difference between intentional crime and negligent crime. One must be more careful with those who act intentionally.”
Those who cannot say no get sick
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that toxic relationships, especially within the family, can lead to severe psychiatric conditions, saying, “A woman with three children came in with severe depression. They were living with her mother-in-law. The mother-in-law was well-intentioned, but she dictated the entire household order. Her husband completely sided with his mother. The woman had set no boundaries and had always sacrificed. Eventually, she fell into severe depression, and we had to hospitalize her. However, the problem was not the mother-in-law, but the woman's inability to set boundaries. This was the picture we call the sacrifice schema and compassion fatigue.”
No freedom to harm oneself
Emphasizing that sacrifice is culturally glorified, but disregarding one's own mental health is unacceptable, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, “In our culture, there is an understanding that 'the female bird builds the nest.' But if a person disregards their own rights, constantly compromises 'to avoid trouble,' they eventually get sick. Just as a person does not have the freedom to harm others, they also do not have the freedom to harm themselves. Therefore, the most important defense mechanism in toxic relationships is the ability to set boundaries.”
Toxic personalities enslave people through different methods
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that toxic personalities enslave people through different methods, saying, “Some enslave by praising, some by scolding, some by violence. But even if the method changes, the goal is the same: to control the other party.”
Antisocials use violence, narcissists enslave by praising
Prof. Dr. Tarhan exemplified the behaviors of toxic personalities as follows:
“Individuals with high egos use different methods. The narcissistic personality praises and glorifies their spouse. Then they say, 'You will do everything I want,' establishing a master-slave relationship. Others demean their spouse, destroy their self-confidence, and drive them into depression, but present it as 'I did it for you.' So, one enslaves by praising, the other by crushing. Antisocial personalities are even more different; they have no social norms, no mercy, are skilled in crime, and easily resort to violence.”
Internalizing is the biggest mistake
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that the most common mistake in toxic relationships is silence, saying, “The victim usually internalizes things, thinking 'let's not cause a scene, let's not affect the children.' This is the biggest mistake. What should be done, however, is to set boundaries gracefully. If one says, 'What you did is wrong, I don't approve of it. But I'm enduring it for the future of our marriage,' the other party will not become defensive.”
Ego wars turn into jungle law
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also pointed to ego wars in relationships, saying, “Currently, there are suggestions like 'if they yell, you yell too; if they throw something, you throw something too.' This method fuels ego wars. Where there are ego wars, jungle laws apply. The strong crush the weak. The one with more economic or physical power wins. However, here, the thinking brain, not the feeling brain, should be used. When the other party starts yelling, saying 'could you speak slowly, I want to understand you' is very effective. Because it's not possible to speak slowly while yelling. Thus, the thinking brain kicks in, and the anger is broken.”
Relationships that can withstand storms are long-lasting
Prof. Dr. Tarhan reminded that there are three periods in marriages: “The first period is romanticism, the second is ego wars, and the third is commitment. The real breaking point occurs in the second period. Couples who use problem-solving skills during this period move into the commitment period. That's when a lifelong love is born.
Narcissists change when they hit a hard wall
Emphasizing that Type B personalities are closed to criticism, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, “Narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic personalities see criticism as a threat. But when they hit life’s hard wall, they begin to change. When they experience narcissistic injury, they realize they are left alone. They understand that the relationships around them are fake. Because people love their interests, not them. What these individuals value might be money, position, or family. When they realize that is being harmed, they transform quickly. When a spouse says, 'I’m leaving now,' a narcissistic spouse suddenly begins self-criticism.”
In toxic relationships, sometimes two toxic individuals combine…
Tarhan also explained that toxic relationships may not always be one-sided, saying, “Sometimes a narcissistic person and another person with toxic traits can combine. Sometimes, toxic relationships also occur in borderline personalities. Split emotions, such as saying 'I hate you, God damn you' and then 'don't ever leave me,' are examples of this.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that childhood traumas are found in most toxic personalities, saying, “Unresolved traumas are like Mount Etna, they sleep but one day they erupt. In psychotherapy, there are different coping methods. There are problem-focused, emotion-focused, somatic, and spiritual coping strategies. We use whichever is appropriate for the person's personality profile. Now, positive psychotherapy has come to the forefront. This means we strengthen defense mechanisms and increase ego strength without overwhelming the person with past traumas.”
They are raised like the little ruler of the house
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that individuals with toxic personality traits can cause serious destruction in both family and social life, saying, “These individuals lack empathy and are focused on pleasure and self-interest. They don’t have a 'give' button in their brains; they only operate with an 'take' button.”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that toxic personalities are usually shaped by incorrect upbringing in childhood, saying, “If you look at such individuals, everything was always presented to them on a silver platter in their childhood. They were raised like the little ruler of the house. Raised like princes and princesses, they were always taught to take. That's why they cannot see the pain or rights of the other party.”
Emphasizing that toxic individuals are intolerant of criticism, Prof. Dr. Tarhan said, “These individuals see anyone who says 'no' to them as an enemy. They are unaware of the injustices they commit. It takes courage to take a critical stance against them. These individuals become subservient to the strong and crush the weak. They are interest-oriented. They have no difficulty lying and resort to manipulation. They categorize people as friends and enemies. They view those who do not obey as a threat.”
Low self-confidence, afraid of being ordinary
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that these individuals, who appear strong from the outside, actually suffer from self-confidence issues, saying, “In the background of these individuals is a fear of being ordinary. They feel inadequate and worthless. That's why they try to play a strong role. Often, when they experience narcissistic injury, they may be prone to suicide, and sometimes they may kill their spouse and then themselves.”
They fail in relationships
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that those living with toxic personalities also pay a heavy price, and continued as follows:
“In such situations, medication alone is not sufficient. Couple therapy, stress and relationship management training are necessary. If there is goodwill on both sides, a healthy relationship can be established by progressing step-by-step with the golden mean rule. Recognizing mistakes and changing methods are important. Otherwise, these individuals constantly repeat the same conflicts. These individuals may be very successful in logical intelligence, but because their emotional and social intelligence is low, they fail in their relationships. If emotional literacy is not developed, they can harm even their closest ones. The solution is awareness, self-criticism, and learning the right methods.”
They appear angelic on the outside
In his evaluations on toxic personalities and narcissism, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that these individuals have different subtypes, stating, “There are passive-aggressive narcissists who appear angelic on the outside but are bullies at home. Some are perfectionist narcissists; they see themselves as perfect and try to dominate everyone by excessively controlling them. There are also narcissists who play a humble role. They are like angels until their interests are touched, but if you go against their interests one day, they suddenly turn into monsters.”
To know a person, one must look at moments of stress
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that narcissistic traits emerge most often in challenging situations, saying, “A person's true personality emerges either during stress, loss, a business crisis, or a long journey. Because masks fall off in long-term relationships. To understand a person, one must look not only at their apparent behaviors but also at how they behave in moments of crisis.”
Those with attachment disorders become victims
Prof. Dr. Tarhan pointed out that the group most harmed by toxic personalities are individuals with “attachment issues,” stating, “These are individuals with low self-confidence who cannot tolerate loneliness. People who could not form healthy attachments with their mother or father in childhood later cling to the wrong people. For them, a relationship is like a band-aid. A band-aid covers the wound but doesn't heal it; it hurts, it bleeds, and the person clings to the same relationship again. This is how pathological attachments are formed.”
Genetics is not destiny
Prof. Dr. Tarhan also touched upon the relationship of personality disorders with childhood traumas and genetic predispositions, saying, “Genetics accounts for 30-40% of the influence, but the remaining 60-70% are epigenetic mechanisms. That is, incorrect behavioral patterns learned from the family. If a person recognizes these, they can change them. Life events and shocks are opportunities for this change. A person who correctly operates epigenetic mechanisms can change their destiny.”