Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan was a guest on the Instagram live broadcast titled “The Assurance of the Family: Loyalty,” organized by Kocaeli Mufti's Office. In the event moderated by Preacher Ebubekir Şahin, Tarhan, explaining the five fundamental principles forming the basis of the family, emphasized that these principles are the concepts of love, respect, patience, loyalty, and sincerity, stating: “When the values that hold a family together are adhered to, that home transforms into a safe and peaceful space. You can achieve a trustworthy marriage with open, transparent relationships. However, if there is no loyalty in the relationship, trust does not form.”
“The 5S Rule as the building block of the family”
Prof. Dr. Tarhan, referring to the values that hold a family together, stated that he explained these values as the “5S Rule.” Tarhan said; “The first among the values that are the foundation of the family in the 5S rule is love. Love is always expressed, a basic thing, but its highest level is compassion. Compassion is greater than love. Love can be interest-oriented, conditional love, but compassion is unconditional love. Another concept that is the backbone of the family is respect. If love is water, respect is like its container. The developed form of respect is courtesy. Feelings such as fear and self-interest can be present in showing respect, but courtesy is internal. There is nobility in courtesy; it is a noble respect. A person naturally does this unconsciously. The third is patience. There is a beautiful saying in Anatolia for the concept of patience, which is one of the most important concepts in marriage; “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” Haste and impatience are the greatest enemies of marital maturity.”
“Loyalty, one of the fundamental building blocks of the family”
Tarhan continued his words by explaining the fourth of the 5S Rule, which forms the basis of the family; “The fourth value is loyalty. Loyalty contains two concepts: honesty and commitment. For there to be commitment, there must certainly be honesty. You can achieve a trustworthy marriage with open, transparent relationships. If there is no loyalty, trust does not form, and when trust does not form, a safe space, one of the most important criteria in a family, cannot be provided. When a woman and a man come home, they need to feel like they are in a shelter, in a safe space. If both parties cannot feel this when they come home, if there is no peaceful environment at home, if they feel like they are going to court when they go home, then the home is not a safe space. Let's not turn the walls of the house into court walls. Spouses often do this unconsciously and with good intentions. They focus on their partner's negative rather than positive traits and try to correct perhaps the only negative trait, hoping for improvement. There is hidden arrogance in expecting someone else, one's spouse, to be perfect. This attitude implies 'I am perfect, so they should be perfect too.' As a result, they want to control, dominate, and correct.”
“The disease of our age: Lack of empathy”
Tarhan stated that spouses' intrusive behaviors towards each other stem from a lack of empathy, adding that this situation is the disease of our age. Tarhan said; “Empathy is one of the forgotten and abandoned values in this century. While empathy should actually be a value present in everyone, in this era it has become like a skill. However, empathy means being able to consider the rights, needs, and feelings of the other party. Empathy is a learned emotion; it is not innate. Women are luckier in this regard, but it is also important for men because the most important method in social communication is the method of empathy. In our culture, this concept is referred to as altruism. It means feeling concern and anxiety for other people. The word 'hodkam,' on the other hand, is used as its opposite, meaning someone who feels concern and anxiety for themselves. We have forgotten this beautiful value over time, but now that empathy has been scientifically recognized, it has started to be used again. Lack of empathy is the biggest global problem of this age. When there is no empathy, power struggles begin in the family. Empathy is about recognizing one's own feelings, recognizing the feelings of others, and being able to emotionally transmit them. For this, one needs to be emotionally literate. You will read, perceive, and express the feelings of the other party and your own feelings.”
“The magic concept in marriage: Sincerity”
Tarhan stated that after trust is established in marriage, sincerity, the last item of the 5S Rule, comes into play, noting that sincerity is one of the magical concepts in marriage. Tarhan said; “If there is sincerity in a relationship, there is honesty and transparency in that marriage. Individuals need to be honest not only with others but also with themselves. When loyalty in marriage is mentioned, it has two pillars: honesty and commitment. In loyal couples, open, transparent relationships create an honest and sustainable relationship. Accountability is very important in loyalty. Behind loyalty, the home needs to be a safe space. An open, honest relationship maintains loyalty.”
“The concept of honor is misused”
Tarhan, addressing the misuse of the concept of honor in our culture, said, “They use the concept of honor only for women, which is very wrong; honor is valid for both women and men.” Tarhan, stating that men act as if they have acquired the title deed to a woman after marriage, emphasized that it is wrong to place all responsibility on women; “After the wedding, men think they can live as they please. Women are expected to build the home, which is a very problematic idea. If there is honesty, honor, it is valid for both parties. Agreements, etc., that want to abolish the concept of honor, that disregard and belittle it, are a completely trap-filled issue. Today, by saying there is no need for the concept of honor, they see reducing the concept of honor to women as the cause of violence. However, the concept of honor needs to be interpreted correctly. Honor is valid not only for women but also for men. They advocate for its abolition, claiming that the concept of honor increases violence. Such a value encourages disloyalty.”
“Modernism's nightmare: Disloyalty”
Tarhan noted that one of the nightmares caused by modernism is disloyalty; “In our age, the glorification of loyalty is losing its value; being loyal to the family is seen as a backward idea. Sexual fidelity, another dimension of loyalty, is generally used for women with a wrong interpretation. However, if there is loyalty, it also applies to men. In the modern age, the word loyalty is seen as one of the concepts that lull society to sleep. With a global misconception, disloyalty is emphasized as shrewdness.”
“The magic concept in marriage: Cooperation”
Tarhan emphasized the need to protect the institution of family; “The family is the fundamental building block that keeps society standing. Today, there is a serious fire in the institution of family; the family has now become a security issue. Marriages are being postponed on the grounds that there is no love, whereas love is not a cause but a result in marriage. One of modernism's urban legends is the misconception, 'We're not in love, so why should we get married?' If there is love and good cooperation, this relationship transforms into lifelong love. Some marriages begin with love but fail to establish good cooperation, and when love evaporates and disappears, they separate. The magic concept in marriage is good cooperation. Love and cooperation transform into lifelong love, a peaceful and happy marriage. We used to call marriage a nest of love; now we call it a nest of trust. Because for commitment to form, trust must be established. Therefore, when you establish good cooperation in marriage, marriage becomes a space of peace and trust. Such marriages don't just happen; you will put in effort, make investments, and strive to achieve this, and in the end, that home truly becomes a sanctuary.”