Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, made striking evaluations on the theme of "Preservation of Fitra and Family" in the May issue of Diyanet Family Magazine. In the interview featured in the magazine's "We Asked the Expert" section, Tarhan emphasized that the perfect family is the one that uses the opportunities at hand in the most excellent way. Underlining that motherhood and fatherhood mean preparing children for life, Tarhan stated that quality togetherness at home is extremely important. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also stated that if there is a trust zone in the family, no bad child will emerge from that home, and even if they do go astray, they will return from their wrong path.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan was also featured in the May issue of Diyanet Family Magazine, which meets readers every month by Diyanet Publications.
Here is Tarhan's article, which was an interview with Esma Türkseven:
Rapid social change and advancements in scientific and technological developments have diversified people's worldviews and value judgments. Undoubtedly, the family, one of the fundamental institutions of social structure, has also been affected by this change. The problems brought by the modern world have led to the weakening of bonds between family members and, over time, to harm to the family. This situation necessitates addressing the family in all its aspects and from a scientific perspective. We asked Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan about the problems faced by the family institution in today's world and proposed solutions.
-Considering the advantages and disadvantages of the opportunities and tools brought by time, what threats and crises might the family face in today's world?
Currently, I observe a decay in the concept of family. There are three reasons I've observed for this. Firstly, the change in life philosophy brought by modernism. In the change of life philosophy brought by modernism, life is seen only as a worldly life. There is a pleasure-oriented life, a hedonistic philosophy. People make decisions focused on what benefits them, what they like. This includes marriage decisions. When deciding on marriage, a person doesn't think, 'Will I have a good life journey by marrying this person? Will this relationship grow my soul, expand it, give me peace?' Instead, they think, 'Will this person meet my needs?' This is entirely related to a philosophy of self-interest. In fact, there is global narcissism, and its consequences are reflected in the family. The concept of family has changed.
In the USA, they institutionalized the concept of 'We don't need a family.' They created open marriages. What is an open marriage? The parties are married but both have lovers. After a while, it doesn't work out. The children pay the highest price. Currently, the marriage rate is below 50%, while divorce rates and out-of-wedlock birth rates are over 50%. A very serious crisis regarding the family is being experienced in Europe, Northern Europe, and the USA. The world population is also negatively affected by this situation. Perhaps this was desired in the background. When we look at the funds allocated to the United Nations Population Fund, we see that anti-gender funds are supported. This also harms the family a lot.
The second reason is the changing definitions of motherhood, fatherhood, and partnership. There are six roles in a home: mother's role, father's role, spouse's role, woman's role, man's role, and child's role. The child is also a role. Currently, the roles of men and women have changed. The role of the authoritarian woman and the effeminate man is about to become global. Our values have changed, our standards regarding the family have changed. As a result, male and female roles have clashed. If a man only accepts the role of a businessman, and a woman only accepts the role of a businesswoman, the roles of mother and father are neglected. The roles of working women and housewives are getting mixed up. This role confusion also harms the family.
The third reason for the change in the family is the disruption of the epigenetic mechanisms that protect the family. The epigenetics taught by our ancient culture come from birth and from the environment. If those from the environment are not practiced, they atrophy and disappear. If practiced, they continue for two-three generations. Epigenetic transmissions have changed in our society, along with global changes, for about a hundred years. Cultural transmission is no longer carried out by the family but by social and digital media. As a result, people are losing these epigenetic gains. Statements like 'We are a strong society, a family society, our family is strong, nothing will happen to us' remain mere slogans.
-Today, perhaps the most challenging issue for parents is adapting to the digital world and maintaining a healthy relationship with our children. In this regard, how should we understand the widely discussed concepts of 'digital native' and 'digital immigrant' in recent years?
Generations born after '90 are digital native generations because they were born into the digital world. Generations before '90 are digital immigrants. They learned digital technology later. If they are open to innovation, they can close the gap, but it's very difficult for them to be as proficient as natives. Technology itself is inherently neutral. If you use it for good purposes, it serves a good direction; if you use it for bad purposes, it serves a bad direction. Digital technology is like an airplane, a car, electricity, or a printing press. Currently, opposing digital is like opposing a flood. If we take precautions, it won't destroy us. If we don't, it will. If we don't have a dam, it will destroy us. If we have a house in a riverbed, it will destroy us. Therefore, prepared individuals should not be afraid of digital technology. Whether native or immigrant, these are the realities of our time. People are very negatively affected by the digital world because they have changed their life philosophy.
We have an innate brain program. Cognitive psychology views the brain like a computer. There are electrical circuits and chemical transmissions in the brain. This is the hardware of the brain. And there is information circulating within it. This is the software. We have an innate software program in our brains. For example, one of those software programs is the biological clock. Our brain also operates on a 24.5-hour cycle according to the lunar clock. These are common genomes for all humanity. It is necessary to act in accordance with this program. When this program is not followed, you pay a price.
Neurobiology has confirmed this: The brains of people who pursue pleasure work in a dopamine-centric way. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical, the pleasure molecule. But the brains of people who pursue meaning secrete serotonin. That is the happiness molecule. We need to give young people a purpose for which they will labor, get tired, and endure hardship. Humans are the only beings capable of producing meaning. Digitalization has not made it harder for us to invest in life and meaning; on the contrary, it has made it easier. Therefore, if we don't lose this search for meaning, let's not be afraid of digital technology. We will use digital for our purpose.
-The responsibility of being a caliph on Earth begins for humans from the moment they are created. As life continues, every new role undertaken by a person brings new responsibilities. Such as forming a family, becoming a parent... From this point, I want to ask: What kind of responsibility does being a parent impose on a person?
In the 0-3 age period, nothing can replace the mother. It must be the mother or someone who directly replaces the mother and can provide a trusting relationship. If trust cannot be given, that child does not grow up healthy. Because growth hormone is not secreted, children do not feel safe. When a sense of trust is not formed, the child cannot venture into life and lives with fear. They get sick frequently. Sudden deaths occur. This is referred to as 'nursery disease'.
The greatest seeds sown in a child's developing soul are found in the mother-child relationship. This is during the 0-3 age period. Of course, the father is also certainly important here. The mother primarily sows seeds related to love, while the father sows seeds related to trust. A child sees parents as heroes until the age of ten. But after ten, they start to question their parents. This is a natural process. The inconsistent, unbalanced behaviors of children in the 12-18 age period are a requirement of their psychological nature. Their brain software works that way. Hormones become active during adolescence. Adolescents are difficult, as you know. Some schools of psychology call adolescence the 'normal schizophrenia period.' Especially after the age of twelve, adolescents defy and object to their parents. It's the age of gang formation. It's difficult and challenges parents. Every age of a child has its beauty. If you see a child as a burden, then don't have children at all. If a parent sees a child as someone who will ruin their career, the child becomes a victim there.
If we have provided our children with a trusting, warm family environment from an early age, that child passes through adolescence very comfortably. But if they don't feel like they belong at home, if they feel unloved, undervalued, or if there is sibling discrimination at home, then the child becomes malicious. Love is not enough. Parents can love their child very much. There must be discipline imbued with love. The home must be a rule-based environment. Motherhood and fatherhood are not about making the child happy, but about preparing the child for life. If parents do not teach the child where to stand and how to behave in life, that child becomes egocentric, meaning a child who doesn't know how to share.
In relationships with adolescents, the weapon in parents' hands is patience. They must do what is right and wait patiently. If pressure, threats, intimidation, or suppression are applied to a child who makes mistakes, the child will run away. To help them correct their ways, parents will sometimes have to pray in the next room but not polarize with them. If they polarize – often including the adults – both sides lose. Being a parent in this era imposes responsibility.
-As Tolstoy said, all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. So, why?
Family models that complement each other are happy families. Complementarity, not similarity, is essential in a family. The woman should be the complement of the man, and the man the complement of the woman. Families with such complementarity resemble each other. The brains of couples who get along well mirror each other, becoming similar. This is called the Michelangelo phenomenon. Michelangelo, when asked, 'How can you make such beautiful sculptures?' replied, 'Those beauties are already within the stone; I just remove the excess and reveal the beauty within.' A person's self is also reshaped, in a way, by their partner's affirmation. Just like a sculpture. This situation also exists between a mother and child. A mother understands from her child's movements whether they are hungry or cold. But no one else can understand that. Selfish individuals cannot do this. It is necessary to invest in happiness in marriage. Those without marital maturity cannot invest in the relationship. The man sees the home as a hotel, and the woman sees her spouse as a money machine. Such marriages are soulless marriages.
-With declining marriages, rising divorces, propaganda against marriage and solemnization, altered male-female roles, cheating stories as filler for TV programs, glorified 'respectable' (!) relationships, blessing of same-sex partnerships and marriages, patronage of gender-neutral child-rearing projects, etc., the traditional family institution is under attack from many fronts. How can we protect the family institution under this intense siege?
The human brain is a relational brain. Our brain is programmed not to live alone but to be part of a group. Therefore, humans are social beings. In such a situation, they are easily affected by external influences.
There are three castles that protect a person: legal norms (laws, justice system), social norms (traditions, customs, conventions, values, cultural transmissions), and conscientious norms (moral norms, conscience). Social norms protect the family. These are values, societal culture. The greatest feature of social norms is cultural transmissions. Love, respect, sincerity, loyalty are all values. These social norms protect the family. Conscientious norms are also important. The inner castle that protects humans remains: the family castle. The walls of the family have also been torn down. The walls of society have been torn down. Digital media can enter the safe environment of the home. Laws and rules are not sufficient in this regard, and our education system is not sufficient.
Quality togetherness at home is very important. If there is quality togetherness at home, if there is positive family communication, and if there is a trust zone in the family, no bad child will emerge from that home. Even if a child makes mistakes, they will return. Therefore, let's not be hopeless or pessimistic.
-Do you think it's possible to be a perfect family?
Being a perfect family is nice, but not possible. The perfect family is the one that uses the opportunities at hand in the most excellent way. The family that accumulates the most beautiful memories is the most perfect family. It is wrong to draw an ideal perfect family format. The more beautiful memories we have accumulated with our children, our relatives, and our spouses, the more we gain. As you know, the book of good deeds of a deceased person closes; only three books remain open: a righteous child, beneficial knowledge, and ongoing charity. A righteous child is the greatest spiritual investment. It is necessary to dedicate time to raising good children.