Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan was the guest of entrepreneur and presenter Seyyide Koç's Instagram live broadcast. Making important evaluations under the title "Being a Conscious Family in a Changing World," Tarhan stated that they prepared a "Marriage Intention Agreement" for a healthy marriage. Tarhan said: "In the book 'Son Sığınak Aile' (Last Refuge: Family), we prepared an agreement called the 'Marriage Intention Agreement.' This is a ten-article agreement signed by individuals before marriage. Intention is very important in marriage. Some people get married with the mindset 'if it doesn't work out, I'll divorce.' I do not recommend people who think this way to get married."
"Those who reach marital maturity succeed in being a conscious family"
Tarhan stated that being a conscious family comes through a mature and conscious marriage, and that divorces are increasing today because people get married without reaching marital maturity. Tarhan said: "I specifically use the term 'conscious family' because everyone can become a family, but not every family is a conscious family. Individuals must have reached marital maturity before getting married. Today, the way to understand this is through the marital maturity scale. In our age, where adolescence is prolonged, people form families without reaching this maturity. This leads to an increase in divorces and separations at the slightest problem. Older generations matured faster because they faced more difficulties than the new generation. The new generation, on the other hand, matures in prosperity, which leads to delayed maturity. Couples who marry without completing their adolescence divorce within six months. These couples marry out of love; the reason they are pushed to divorce so easily is their inability to be conscious spouses, conscious parents. Love is not actually the cause of marriage, but its result. Marriages with good cooperation result in love. In fact, what starts as simple affection can turn into deep love through cooperation. Relationships where love and cooperation are together turn into lifelong love. If couples succeed in this, cooperation and a peaceful family environment are achieved."
"The intention at the beginning of marriage determines the path"
Tarhan stated that they prepared a 'Marriage Intention Agreement' for a healthy marriage in the book 'Son Sığınak Aile' (Last Refuge: Family), emphasizing that intention is a very important phenomenon when embarking on a new path. Tarhan said: "In the book 'Son Sığınak Aile', we prepared an agreement called the 'Marriage Intention Agreement'. This is a ten-article agreement signed by individuals before marriage. Intention is very important in marriage. Some people get married with the mindset 'if it doesn't work out, I'll divorce'. I do not recommend people who think this way to get married. In our culture, instead of the word 'eş' (spouse), the words 'refik' and 'refika' are used. These are not just words; they contain deep meanings. 'Refik' and 'refika' mean travel companion. Thus, marriage represents two people walking on the same path. Marriage is like sailing on a ship towards the same goals. Marriage is not actually two people looking into each other's eyes, but looking together towards a common goal. Love is not looking into the eyes of the other person. It is joining hands, having not two eyes and two ears, but four eyes and four ears, advancing towards a certain goal."
"The most beautiful fruit of a marriage is raising a good child"
Tarhan emphasized that one of the most beautiful goals of a family is raising good children: "Raising a good child is better than building a good factory or being successful professionally. As Ibn-i Haldun said: 'If you raise a good child, there is no need to leave them a great fortune. That child will earn it anyway and succeed in living happily. If you have not raised a good child, no matter how much fortune you leave, they will succeed in squandering it.' In a marriage, there is no greater psychological, social, and human capital than raising a good child. For a family, a common goal is raising good children, and there is no more beneficial fruit than this."
"Parents should be pilot captains in a child's life, and leave the captaincy to the child"
Tarhan stated that children should be allowed to captain their own lives: "In our age, our children are not ours, but children of their time. That is, they belong to their time, not to us. They have their own lives, their own identities, and personalities. We need to be aware of this and accept it. The relationship between a child and parents is not a master-slave relationship. A child begins to individualize as they start walking. Upon reaching adolescence, meaning around 15 years old, they learn to be the captain of their own ship. Until this age, parents are the child's natural guardians. However, after the age of 18, the captaincy should be left to the child. There are two captains on ships. One is the captain at the helm, and the other is the pilot captain. The pilot captain guides the novice. Parents should be like pilot captains in their child's life, leaving the helm to the child. However, due to an excess of love, parents overstep this boundary and take the child's place. We see cases of individuals who have completed adolescence but still have their mothers handle their personal affairs. Such children are major candidates for psychiatric clinics. Unfortunately, a few years later, these children become schizophrenic. Because they cannot captain their own lives, schizophrenic disorganization occurs; they cannot individualize, socialize, and choose to remain children. Choosing to remain a child means a 25-year-old becoming schizophrenic."
"The parents' duty is not to make the child happy, but to prepare them for life"
Tarhan stated that the parents' duty in child rearing is not just to make the child happy, emphasizing the need to give the child the right to make mistakes, see the wrongs together, and prepare the child for the bittersweet aspects of life. Tarhan said: "One must allow the child room to make mistakes while walking on the path of life. When they make a mistake, instead of confronting and shaking them or disciplining them, it's necessary to walk with them. You cannot raise a child by giving them a tablet. The digital world is like an open door to the house. Children who spend time here are objectified and exploited by the capitalist system. The new generation is not one that can be brought into line by fear. The best method is to say no by discussing the reasons. Even if you don't approve of what the child does, never completely shut the door. If a relationship is established by leaving open doors, without burning bridges or building walls, the child eventually understands the false world and returns to their warm home. From another perspective, parenthood is not about making the child happy, but about preparing the child for life. Therefore, the child must see and experience every face of life: hot and cold, bitter and sweet, light and dark. Just as a dinner table doesn't only have sweet dishes; there are bitter, sweet, and sour. In life, too, one must taste them all. We need to think about ways to explain the realities of life to the child without harming them."
"The Building Block of Marriage: The 5S Rule: Love, Respect, Loyalty, Sincerity, Patience"
Tarhan drew attention to the '5S Rule' in marriage, stating that marriages where love, respect, loyalty, sincerity, and patience are maintained are long-lasting. Tarhan said: "There is a 5S Rule in marriage. The first is love. Love is the glue in marriage. Above love is the feeling of compassion. Compassion is unconditional love. The second is respect. If love is water, respect is its vessel. The highest point of respect is courtesy. Being courteous is like butterfly hunting; one must point out the other's mistake without hurting them. The third value that must be ensured in marriage is loyalty. Loyalty has two meanings: one is belonging, and the other is being faithful. Loyalty and attachment are achieved together. An open, transparent, and honest relationship must be maintained in marriage. The need for attachment is one of the needs that most triggers a person to marry. Biologically, a person first attaches to parents and then to the opposite sex. However, this need for attachment is not limited to attaching to a mere mortal. The highest level of this feeling is achieved by attaching to a higher power or a noble goal. As Tolstoy said, 'I am searching for a meaning that explains death.' It is necessary to attach to noble meanings. Because all meanings that do not explain death are temporary. Loyalty, which is one of the 5S Rules, encompasses honesty and attachment."
"Patience is an indispensable part of a marriage"
Tarhan explained that the fourth principle in the 5S Rule is sincerity: "Goodwill and sincerity are very important in marriage. If there is no goodwill and sincerity, people are acting a role. In such situations, marriage ceases to be a mutual relationship and operates like a company calculating profit and loss, turning into a partnership. The capitalist system views marriage as a partnership. The fifth rule in marriage is patience. On good days, you will express appreciation, approval, and praise to each other, but on difficult days, you must know how to be patient. Patience is not retreating and enduring; it is conforming to the speed and rhythm of nature. Patience is knowing where to speed up and where to slow down. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. Patience is an indispensable part of a marriage. Currently, I observe that behind many breakdowns and fragmentations in marriages, there is a lack of patience and tolerance. One cannot immediately throw in the towel over minor issues. Divorce is not an option in marriage; it is a consequence. The consequence appears after all avenues have been tried. If a person views marriage as a simple situation, thinking 'if it doesn't work out, I'll divorce,' then that person lacks marital automation."