Üsküdar University Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan attended the Launch of the Year of Courtesy organized by Timaş Publications. Addressing the topic of “The Importance of Courtesy in the Family,” Tarhan emphasized that courtesy is a form of respect that embodies empathy. Stating that true courtesy means knowing one's boundaries both towards oneself and others, Tarhan added that one can learn to express even the most difficult and crude things in the most polite way.
Mehmet Çapkan moderated the interview held at the Timaş building as part of the Year of Courtesy events.
“Courtesy is respect that embodies empathy”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that respect is inherent in courtesy, began his words by saying; “Respect is knowing boundaries in human relationships. One can show respect to someone, but sometimes this respect can also stem from fear. However, courtesy is a form of respect that embodies empathy. That is, not wanting to upset the other person, not doing them injustice, and having the ability to read their emotions. For this reason, courtesy is a value that should be instilled from an early age, especially in peer relationships. What we call peer courtesy is knowing boundaries among friends. The issue here is not just about being kind to others, but also about correctly defining social boundaries regarding others. This is true courtesy. One should also be kind to oneself. Because we also have rights towards ourselves. It is necessary to know our boundaries both towards ourselves and towards the other person. A person's courtesy towards themselves and the courtesy they show to others should be considered as a whole. Being a doormat just to be kind to the other party is not compatible with courtesy. In psychiatry, this is called a sacrifice schema. Such people, while constantly acting compassionate and kind, experience compassion fatigue after a while. They deplete themselves. For this not to happen, one must be impartial towards both oneself and others. A person who can feel courtesy towards themselves also behaves thoughtfully towards their own self and the identity of others. We see that this concept, expressed as 'kindness' in English, is weakening on a global scale. However, one can learn to express even the most difficult and crude things in the most polite way.”
Beware of those playing a humble role…
Tarhan, stating that hidden arrogance can lie beneath politeness, said; “People who generally have little social contact and live in isolation tend to perceive courtesy as weakness. However, courtesy is one of the most important pillars of humility. Humility is also one of the fundamental virtues taught in our culture. There are some people who enter an environment, shout, yell, and silence everyone. In fact, they do this to suppress their own feelings of inadequacy and deficiency. Because they cannot respond, they try to dominate with fear. Thus, they move away from courtesy and try to establish dominance by frightening others. Some individuals act with excessive courtesy and excessive praise. In this way, they try to prevent criticisms that might be directed at them. Therefore, it is necessary to pay attention to people who speak by bending over in every excessively polite-looking environment. Hidden arrogance might lie beneath this attitude. That is, that person is not truly humble but merely playing a humble role. Such courtesy is not sincere because they behave politely towards the powerful but become oppressive towards the weak. Global culture has further increased this situation. Because global culture sanctifies power. It says, 'The strong win.' Today's capitalist system also teaches this. A second effect of the capitalist system is that it weakens courtesy and respect. The reason for this is the culture of comparison. Everyone constantly compares themselves to each other. As a result, one feels inadequate, even though they are not. With this feeling, they try to dominate others. Ultimately, communication conflicts arise.”
“One's self is nourished by the social approval received from others”
Tarhan, drawing attention to the cycle of bullying, stated; “If there is bullying in the family, adults bully children, and children bully those younger or weaker than themselves. Because in the bullying cycle, one can be both the bully and the victim. When a child is a victim, they might go and inflict violence on someone weaker. Discourtesy, especially at a physical level, becomes destructive and hurtful. This situation is usually beyond rudeness; it contains harshness. It is normal for adolescents to act harshly from time to time, but this should not become a personality trait. Adolescents will make mistakes; the parent's duty is not to approve it, but to guide them correctly. Parents should say, 'Such behaviors might occur at this age, but know that it is wrong.' However, yelling at the child, excessively frightening them, or trying to intimidate them damages their self-confidence and lowers their self-esteem. One's self is nourished by the social approval received from others. Social acceptance, appreciation, praise, and positive feedback strengthen one's self-respect. But when a child is constantly criticized, they start to feel worthless. In this case, because they feel worthless, they either try to pressure others or exaggerate lies to present themselves differently than they are. For this reason, we look for an anger model at home. If one of the adults at home constantly shows anger, the child adopts this as a method. They observe, learn, and model it.”
“Respect is a learned value”
Tarhan, giving examples from Anatolian wisdom, said; “If at home the father praises the mother, and the mother praises the father, in their absence, the child says, 'My mom and dad get along well.' They think that they are praising each other behind their backs, not to their faces. It is important that these praises are sincere and realistic, not artificial. For example, the father might say, 'Look, your mother has cooked for us, how sacrificial, what she does for us.' The mother might also say, 'Your father works very hard for us outside.' This is an important teaching found in Anatolian wisdom. Adults advise children in this way and teach them to show respect to their parents. Respect is a learned value. Indeed, respect is intertwined with courtesy. In fact, courtesy is a more comprehensive value than respect because it contains empathy. Likewise, compassion is greater than love. Compassion contains both love and empathy. Love can sometimes be reciprocal, involving one's interest or expectation. However, there is no reciprocity in compassion. Unconditional love has empathy. One accepts the other person as they are. This is true compassion. Compassion is nobler than love, and courtesy is nobler than respect. All these are learned values.”
“Not just what we do, but how we do it is important”
Tarhan, stating that discourtesy would hinder problem-solving, continued his words by saying; “The most important secret to managing anger is the firefighter model. When a fire breaks out, firefighters first extinguish the fire, then cool it down, and then investigate its cause. When a person gets angry, a fire actually breaks out in their mind. In this case, the first thing to do is to postpone the anger. That is, one should change the environment, the topic, and give themselves time. After the flame of anger has passed, one should perform an anger analysis with questions like 'Why did this anger arise? Which of my principles was broken? Which of my tenets was damaged?' And then evaluate the situation by saying, 'Look, this was the reason I was so angry.' In this way, one succeeds in emotion management. This is a skill, and one develops it with their own effort. When one succeeds in controlling their anger, they can solve problems more healthily. Otherwise, discourtesy prevents problem-solving. Because there is a big difference between handing something over by saying 'Here you go.' and throwing the same thing with anger. In life, not just what we do, but how we do it is important. A similar situation exists in law. Being right is not enough. If you do not file the lawsuit on time, for example, on the 60th day, you lose the case even if you are right. Your right is forfeited. The same rule applies in relationships. That is, not only being right but also acting at the right time and with the right tone is important.”
Be right, but also be polite…
Tarhan, emphasizing that silence is a richness, said; “If you give a medicine that should be given intravenously orally, it won't work; if you give a medicine that should be given orally intravenously, you can kill the person. Discourtesy is similar to not knowing this procedure. That is, how you do something is as important as what you do. Often, with good intentions, one says, 'I am right,' but being right alone is not enough. Be right, but also be polite. Courtesy is actually a kind of silence and richness; being silent is richness. For the person who can achieve this richness, the rule is simple: either speak beautifully or be silent. If it is not possible to speak beautifully, leave the environment. Mature personalities in such situations either speak politely or remain silent, as there is no benefit in yelling at someone who does not understand words from the other side.”
“Absence of lies is essential for fair sharing”
Tarhan, stating that discourtesy will increase when there is no trust within the family, said; “Let's say a child has learned to solve problems by lying. In such a situation, teaching courtesy to that child is very difficult. Because someone who lies actually learns this: 'It is permissible to lie to reach a goal.' One step beyond this becomes, 'It is permissible to deceive others to reach a goal.' In the next step, the understanding develops that 'It is permissible to bully others to reach a goal.' Such individuals have usually been victims of violence at some point. They have seen, learned, and internalized violence. However, we want the family to be a safe space. If there is no safe environment within the family, discourtesy and relationships escalating to violence become inevitable. Because a person who is not safe cannot sleep comfortably, cannot turn their back, cannot stretch their legs. Fair sharing is required for a trust environment to be established. And for fair sharing to occur, the absence of lies is essential. Because where there are lies, there is no justice, no trust. Imam Ghazali has a beautiful saying: 'If you fill a room with all evils, lies and arrogance open its door.' It is truly so. Lies open the door to all evils.”
“Every event can turn into an educational opportunity if handled correctly”
Tarhan, touching upon the concept of opportunistic education between children and parents, said, “Some children, while trying to help their mother, might pick up a vase and accidentally drop and break it. Usually, the child's first reaction is 'I didn't do it.' This is a childish lie spoken with the child's initial defense reflex. It is actually natural because they haven't fully learned the difference between a lie and the truth yet. However, often mothers say, 'You've broken the vase and you're lying, I'll punish you!' This approach doesn't teach the child anything but fear. The correct approach should be, 'Look, my child, it's clear you've broken the vase, but you've made a bigger mistake than that.' The phrase 'You lied' should not be used, and the child should not be directly labeled a liar. Instead, it should be said, 'You said something that wasn't true.' What does the child learn in this situation? First, they feel that their mother loves and values them. Second, they learn that honesty is important in this home. This is called opportunistic education. Every event children experience can turn into an educational opportunity if handled correctly. In such situations, instead of reacting immediately, the mother should think, 'How can I turn this event into an opportunity for my child's development?' Because every event can be an occasion for the child to mature.”
Lack of compassion is increasing…
Tarhan, stating that a learning opportunity can arise from every event, concluded his words by saying; “Today, young people, referred to as Generation Z, can be egocentric and comfort-oriented, but they are also lovable and freedom-loving. This generation expects to be valued and respected. The first step in communicating with adolescents is to make them feel that you value them. After social acceptance and a sense of value are established, in the second step, you can communicate in a logical and reasoned manner. If they cannot be persuaded, discussing the solution by putting it in writing together can be effective. Let's say there is noise in the classroom, we can say, 'Everyone write down the problem, put it in a jar, and let's seek a solution by drawing lots. Don't write names, just write the problem.' This approach creates a learning opportunity from every event and turns conflict into a constructive experience. At this point, we can also draw an important lesson from the Hadith al-Sharif. It states that in the end times, Satan will afflict the youth. How do we know? The Messenger of Allah says: 'You will know it from the lack of shame and compassion.' Here, 'shame' does not carry a sexual meaning; it refers to discourtesy, disrespect, and shamelessness. The lack of compassion, on the other hand, expresses ruthlessness. Unfortunately, today we observe an increase in these qualities, and this should be considered one of the signs of the end times. In conclusion, leaving room for freedom, making children feel valued, forming horizontal coalitions, and transforming conflicts into learning opportunities are fundamental approaches for healthy and safe psychological development.”