Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, was a guest on the 'Values Academy' Instagram live broadcast, jointly organized by Kahramanmaraş Metropolitan Municipality and Kahramanmaraş Sütçü İmam University. Addressing the topic of 'Marriage Life and Family Living Skills,' Tarhan emphasized that new answers must be given to old questions to achieve a peaceful environment within the family; "Stubbornness is the greatest enemy of marriage. Stubborn people develop rigidity in thought, behind which there is a tremendous darkening of the ego, and this darkening is the disease of our age," he said.
"New answers must be given to old questions"
In the program moderated by Prof. Dr. Mustafa Taşlıyan, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan addressed the erosion of family values and the harm caused by freedoms to the family, stating, "We need to provide new answers to old questions about family with new truths in the new world. New answers must be given to questions such as how to be a mother or how to be a father. There is a crisis in the world, and currently, household fragility has increased in Turkey. It is not right to be angry with people for not having children like before, because social norms have deteriorated. People are afraid to get married. Currently, the increase in bad examples causes this fear, and as a result of the increasing number of negative stories, people approach marriage more cautiously."
"Darkening of the ego is the disease of our age"
Tarhan spoke about the existence of equivalences in marriage such as economic, cultural, love, and trust equivalences, saying, "If these equivalences exist, solving problems is easy, but people who do not know the meaning of marriage will experience difficulties when they say 'I want my spouse to be like my father' and their spouse does not resemble their father. In such situations, the man will also be disappointed. People should empathize after marriage; everyone comes with a life scenario and accumulated experiences, but new actors enter the picture upon marriage. In such cases, life scenarios need to be rewritten, and unfortunately, stubborn people cannot do this. Stubbornness is the greatest enemy of marriage. Stubborn people develop rigidity in thought, behind which there is a tremendous darkening of the ego, and this darkening is the disease of our age."
"The concept of family should be learned with scientific methodology"
Prof. Dr. Tarhan stated that they divided their studies into four groups: "The young group, the group preparing for marriage, the married group experiencing minor problems, and finally, the group experiencing such severe incompatibility that they would go to a lawyer. We created a model according to these groups. We developed a model suitable for Turkish culture because when we applied Western culture, it did not fit our family structure. The family is the building block of a society; if a cell dies in the body, the person dies. Families are the smallest communication area of society; the family must become a safe space for healthy children to emerge. Previously, grandmothers and grandfathers corrected the mistakes of the youth. It's not like before now, so people need to learn the concept of family with scientific methodology," he said.
"Trust should be paramount in family life"
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that investing in the family is the most important thing right now, saying, "A barbecue burns, and you warm up in front of it; those too close get burned, while those far away cannot benefit from the heat, but you need to constantly feed the fire to keep it from going out. Marriage is like this; you need to constantly warm, nourish, and invest in it like the fire in a barbecue. Sticky relationships in the family are boring and wear people out. For example, if a mother rummages through her child's drawer, all their belongings, the child will run away from the mother and start lying, which is very wrong. Because trust must be paramount in family life. Trust, not fear, should prevail at home. In the life of our Prophet, we see an environment of compassion and trust. Compassion is such a value that it is greater than love because it is unconditional. There is no ego gratification in compassion, there is empathy, and the environment of trust in the family is provided through empathy and compassion," he stated.