Stating that conflicts and tensions should occur from time to time in marriages, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan points out that the important issue is anger control. Noting that the best remedy for anger is to postpone discussing the problem, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasizes that storms should be allowed in marriage. Tarhan said, “Just as there are storms in spring, and a spring without storms is neither possible nor realistic, it is important to allow for storms in marriage. However, anger control must be maintained.”
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made important evaluations and recommendations on anger management in marriage during the AKRA FM Marriage School program.
No spring without storms
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that it is normal to experience conflicts and arguments within the family from time to time, saying, “We have a principle in marriage. We recommend allowing for storms in marriage. Just as there are storms in spring, it is not possible to expect a spring without storms. It is not realistic. It is also important to allow for storms in marriage. However, anger control must be maintained.”
Anger should be approached with a firefighter model
Noting that anger should be approached with a firefighter model, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Anger is like a fire. In angry situations, one should approach it as one would approach a fire. If you react during anger and blame the other party, you will only make the fire bigger. You will have fed and supported the fire. How do you act when a fire breaks out? You focus on putting out the fire. You examine the causes later. The best remedy for anger is to postpone it.”
Anger impairs one's judgment
Noting that anger impairs one's judgment and can lead to making wrong decisions, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated, “The emotions and anger of a person with impaired judgment are just like the emotions and anger of a war strategy. Their war strategy is the law of the jungle. If you act the same way where the law of the jungle prevails, you would have to be equally savage and malicious. What happens then? As in the law of the jungle, the strong defeats the weak.”
Change environment during tension
Referring to what parties should do during moments of tension, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “In a moment of anger, one should move to the next room, change the environment. To the person shouting, one can say softly, ‘I'm trying to understand you. Could you speak more slowly?’ This suddenly disrupts the other person's pattern. Consequently, they soften their tone and immediately start speaking normally. The angry person thinks, ‘They are trying to understand me.’ In this way, you overcome power struggles.”
The 'stop, think, act' rule should also be applied in marriage
Suggesting that speaking during anger is wrong and that the issue should be discussed later, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Generally, we shout first and then think. We get angry first and then think. That is, there is an emotion-focused life philosophy. However, we should make the 'stop, think, act' rule a part of our lives in marriage too. This is learned over the years. However, after maturity, meaning after the age of 40, the brain becomes capable of using it more healthily. It is difficult for a person to always make healthy decisions. Therefore, pausing to think and then deciding is a skill. This is the training of the brain's frontal lobe.”
The 5 fundamental 'S' values in marriage
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that most of the mistakes and crises in marriage arise from acting on feelings without thinking, saying, “Parties may have weaknesses. Some are jealous, some have high egos. These are gradually smoothed out over time. Marriage values are also very important. The presence of love is a very important value. Theoretically, we call them 5S: Love, Respect, Patience, Loyalty, and Sincerity.”
Respect protects the boundaries of love
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out the importance of these 5 S values in marriage and said:
“Love is like water, like a water source. Respect is like a bucket. It protects the boundaries of love. If there is no respect, love begins to damage. It flows away, goes to waste. That is why love must be accompanied by respect. The third S, patience, is the most important thing in marriage. When you are hasty in marriage, you lose. This is true in all things already. It is true in life, in business life, and in social life. Being able to manage time is important. Patience does not mean withdrawing and waiting. Active patience should be understood. Patience is adapting to nature's rhythm of speed. In such situations, you have a goal. You say, 'I am enduring this for that goal right now.' You say, 'What can I do for this to improve?' The fourth S, loyalty, has two legs. One is honesty, and the second is commitment. They are together. The fifth S is sincerity. It strives to strengthen all these values. If one looks for ways to strengthen these in marriage, the problem disappears by itself.”
One kind word is enough to solve problems in marriage
Reminding the saying “The best way to fight darkness is to light a candle,” Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “It is the same in marriage. The best way to combat wrongs is to talk about positive, good, and beautiful things. Even when looking at all heavenly religions and Far Eastern teachings, doing good is glorified. Unrequited kindness is glorified. Therefore, this also applies to marriage. For example, doing unrequited kindness to your spouse. In our culture, a smile is charity. A smile, a few kind words, a loving glance, a warm touch solve many problems, and these are free.”
Noting that couples should be fair to each other in the family, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “The concept of justice is very important in marriage. A child learns this concept in the family.”
'I' language should be used
Noting that the 'I' language should be used instead of the accusatory 'you' language in marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “It is important to tell the other person that you are very upset. When one says, ‘I am very upset right now, I am very hurt, it is not right to discuss this now,’ the man's thinking brain will kick in. Women's classic reaction is to cry. Instead of crying, they should take a very calm stance. There is no need to be a sad princess. In such situations, women should be wise instead of crying. They should say, ‘I do not approve of this behavior of yours.’”
Empathy is a very valuable concept
Stating that empathy is also a valuable concept between couples in a family, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Where there is empathy, there is already justice. We live in an age where empathy is most often trampled upon. Where egocentricity exists, empathy weakens. We are in the age of self-centeredness. We are in the age of arrogance, the age of ego.”
One should not stay angry for a long time
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also stated that couples should not stay angry for a long time, saying, “Paranoid individuals stay angry for a long time. These individuals have a strong sense of revenge. They never forget the wrong done to them; they are very resentful. Despite the problem, parties should reconcile without prolonging it too much. Couples need to say to each other, ‘We are in the same boat; for this boat to continue its journey, we need to find some common ground. We need to solve problems,’ and create this feeling.”
Private matters should not be shared with anyone
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan also advised parties to avoid criticizing their spouses in front of others or engaging in demeaning behaviors, saying, “Private matters should remain within the family. They should not be shared with anyone, including close acquaintances. It is essential to create a private space in marriage. For a child to grow up well, an environment with love, respect, and trust is needed. If that climate of love, respect, and trust does not exist, a healthy child cannot be expected.”