Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who defines love as the invisible energy that connects beings in human relationships, and even in nature, states that ways to grow and increase the love pool should be sought. Emphasizing that investment in love returns to the individual, growing 2-3 times, Tarhan notes that the expression ‘love doesn't fill your stomach’ is also an act of ingratitude. Tarhan also conveys that love has a language and forms of expression…
When we talk about love, we are actually describing an emotion. Love is not a standalone concept. It is a very complex yet colorful concept. But its color is not visible within it. Like white light, it contains seven colors. For this reason, experts say that love needs to be understood and analyzed correctly. Uskudar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made assessments on the place, value, and forms of expression of love in our lives.
Love and emotion, concepts that must be expressed…
Tarhan, stating that he sometimes observes verbal expression problems in human relationships, says, “‘People think ‘I love my spouse, I love my children’ but they don't say it, assuming 'they already know I love them automatically.' Actually, it's not like that at all. We experience so many problems due to lack of verbal expression. For example, we see children of parents who don't express emotion feeling ‘My mom, my dad doesn't love me,’ and even the child wanting a DNA test with the thought ‘Am I an adopted child?’ There are cases with various delusions similar to this. Therefore, love and emotion are concepts that must be expressed.” he warned.
Compassion is a greater emotion than love
“In human relationships, there are two types of transmission: one is information transmission, and the other is emotion transmission. In daily relationships, the transmission of informational knowledge is expressed verbally at a rate of 20%. This is called verbal communication. Word language and spoken language are verbal. 80% of our daily relationships are non-verbal. That is, non-verbal communication. This is emotion transmission. The basis of human relationships is 80% emotion transmission and only 20% verbal transmission. Emotion transmission occurs unconsciously through tone of voice, emphasis, the words we choose, body language, gestures, and even micro-expressions on our faces. We transmit negative and positive emotions unconsciously. Among these positive emotions, the most important is love. There is an emotion greater than love. That is compassion. Because within it, there is unconditional love. At the same time, respect is an emotion that should accompany love. If love is like water, respect is its container. It determines its boundaries. But there is an emotion greater than respect. Its name is kindness. In kindness, you also try not to hurt the person you respect. Therefore, calling love ‘The power that turns the universe’ is a very apt analogy.”
Love is not just an area of interest for artists, but a scientific field
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who defines love as an invisible energy, a gravitational force that connects beings in human relationships and even in nature, says, “Love needs to be analyzed. Love is not just a subject of interest for poets, litterateurs, and artists. It is also a scientific field. After the 1990s, people experienced a psychological revolution. In this revolution, brain areas that process emotions were discovered. The biochemical equivalent of every emotion, such as hatred, anger, envy, jealousy, and all extreme emotions, was identified in the brain. When you stimulate the relevant region of the brain, that emotion awakens in the person. That system in the brain works this way. Building on this, love entered the scientific realm, and very serious developments occurred in emotion management. It is now possible to access knowledge to understand which region of the brain communicates with which other region and how, in order to manage emotions.” sharing developments from the scientific world.
One is born with love, but society and environment dry it up, blunt it by constantly suppressing it…
“Whoever manages their own brain well manages their own leadership. In fact, we call this leadership ‘Neuro-leadership.’ For example, a mother, a father is the leader of the house. Everyone is a manager at work. Everyone is their own leader. Leadership is being able to manage oneself. In this leadership, managing love is the most important resource management. Because love is a resource, just like money, just like people. The general rule of resource management is to expand the pool. For example, the word ‘economics’ comes from the Arabic root ‘maksat’ (purpose). If you don't know your purpose, you cannot manage your resources. You make your investments according to your purpose, you make your decisions accordingly, and you move forward. You develop your goals accordingly. Therefore, love is resource management, and it is a psychological resource. First, the pool needs to be enlarged. We say 'let's talk about love,' but what good is it if a person poor in love knows the language of love? Just as a person poor in money cannot help anyone, a person poor in love cannot give love. That's why we will look for ways to increase our love. One is born with love, but society and the environment constantly suppress, dry up, and blunt it.”
Saying love doesn't fill your stomach is ingratitude…
Continuing his words by saying, “We don't know the value of emotions,” Tarhan said, “Emotion is like air, like water. How many minutes can you live without air, how long without water? Humankind does not know the value of air and water. They only understand it when they get sick or face a problem. We experience love in our relationships, in our lives, unconsciously. Therefore, saying ‘love doesn't fill your stomach’ is a kind of ingratitude. It is not knowing the value of what you possess. Emotional investment is important in achieving many things. In fact, in capitalist thought, man was initially called ‘homo economicus,’ meaning man is an economic being, a rational actor, reason. He performs cost-benefit analysis and takes steps accordingly. Until the 2000s, it was said that ‘emotion is not a subject of economics.’ In 2002, Daniel Kahneman, a psychologist, received the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences for his work on behavioral economics. After receiving the award, it was said that man is not ‘homo economicus’ but ‘homo psychologicus.’ When investing and managing resources, people invest not just based on basic needs, but on what they love. When shopping, when buying, they invest in what they love. On top of this, the feeling of being appreciated has a greater impact than cost-benefit analysis. Therefore, the rational actor is not just reason, but reason in a limited way.” he said.
You respect a person you fear, but you don't love them.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that humans are psychological beings, said, “What a person loves and dislikes, and feeling secure, is important. For this reason, societies are divided into high-security and low-security. Societies raised with high threat, pressure, and fear become low-security societies. On the other hand, in high-security societies, trust prevails. For trust to exist, love must exist. When there is love, trust develops in people. Trust brings development. A high-security society feels peaceful. In places where there is no love, fear runs rampant. Fear and love are opposites. You respect a person you fear, but you don't love them. There is silence there. Unfortunately, Eastern culture is a culture of fear. This culture alienates its people from innovation and development, from libertarianism, from enterprise, in a way. This situation absolutely needs to change in this era. In an age where communication is so intense, there is a need for societies with high self-confidence, entrepreneurship, and emotional expression. For example, in Japanese people, there is no emotional expression at all. That's why everyone seems to be smiling. But you can neither understand when they are angry nor when they love. That's why late-life suicides are most common in Japanese society.” thus drawing attention to how love can exist within social culture.
People feel safe in an environment where they are loved
Tarhan, stating that feeling loved is one of humanity's fundamental psychological needs, said, “In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the most basic needs are eating, drinking, reproduction, and shelter. Shelter is a common need with animals. After that, one wants to feel safe. Then comes the need to love and be loved. People feel safe in an environment where they are loved. If a person is not loved in an environment, they approach it with fear. Where there is fear, avoidance, suspicion, and evils emerge. Therefore, love has an important role in both benevolent and malevolent traits. Love increases benevolent emotions. Selfish love, on the other hand, leads to an increase in evil. Love made to obtain something is a self-serving, selfish love. True love, made to help the other party, is more effective because it is unconditional love. Therefore, one of humanity's greatest psychological needs is the need to feel loved. People feel safe where they feel loved. The language that best uses love is the language of kindness.”
Imperative approach alienates relationships
Tarhan, stating that the expression of emotion is very important and that there are various tests related to emotional expression, noted that the language of love can also take different forms. Tarhan said, “For example, when a person says something, approving and encouraging words like 'you did a great job, well done' are indicators of the language of love. Or, when making a request from someone, there is a difference between being imperative and requesting with humble politeness. Making requests like 'Could I ask you to bring this to me, if it's not too much trouble for you?' is called 'humble affirmation.' When approaching the person being communicated with in an imperative, commanding manner, the other party might do what is asked but also distance themselves from the person. Especially in this era where egocentrism is spreading under the guise of individualism, an imperative approach completely alienates. Being able to express a request with humble sentences is much more important. It is important to be able to say this with benevolent sentences, without making the other party feel obligated, without harming their sense of autonomy. Being able to say it compassionately, with body language, emotion, and requests, using words of appreciation, praise, and approval is a valuable virtue. This is also one of the weak points of relationships and our culture.” He used these expressions.
Love has different forms of expression
Emphasizing that being able to express love is a distinct skill, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said the following regarding the forms of expressing love:
Giving gifts is an expression of love. Not ordinary gifts, but thoughtful ones that make the other person feel valued. I even know people who buy detergent as a gift for their spouse. Or they buy a box of chocolates for their spouse, sit down, and eat it with them. This is a selfish gift-giving for one's own benefit.
Another expression of love is acts of service. For example, one person feels thirsty, and the other immediately brings it. Like how people show care when one is sick. Acts of service that try to lighten the other person's burden are very valuable. Spending quality time together is also an expression of love.
Another language of love is physical touch. Unfortunately, physical touch is something we often don't fully appreciate. The way to activate the romantic areas of the male and female brain is physical touch. For example, men are stimulated visually, while women are stimulated physically. The hormone oxytocin is secreted when the opposite sex embraces or touches them. Kind words, physical touch are expressions of love…
Another language of love is performing acts of kindness. That is, silent acts of kindness, going beyond acts of service at an unexpected time. For example, calling your spouse's mother or father, doing them a favor when they need it. Sacrifice is also a very important language of love. If a person who cannot express love makes sacrifices, it means they love but cannot express it. Sacrifice; being there when needed, taking care of children – all these directly show love in our culture.
Investment in love returns to the individual, growing 2-3 times
Uskudar University Founding Rector and Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan concluded his words with the following advice:
“It is necessary to expand the love pool by investing in love. Investing in love is an investment with a return. And when love grows, you will be generous. When you are generous with love, rest assured that your investment in love will return to you, growing 2-3 times. Be generous with love, love. That is, be like the sun. When the sun comes to the world, some flowers bloom, creating colorful, beautifully fragrant flower gardens. In another place with sunlight, there might be unpleasant flower odors. The sun never stops being the sun. Let's not stop giving love. Love brings humanity closer together. Unconditional love, which contains compassion, is the most important element for social peace, peace within the family, and tranquility.