Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, met with his readers at the 39th TÜYAP International Book Fair, which could not be held due to the pandemic and was organized this year after a two-year hiatus. Tarhan, who held a talk titled ‘Psychology Conversations’, signed his books for his readers. Interest in Tarhan was very high during the event, which featured lively scenes.
The 39th International TÜYAP Book Fair, which will be held between December 03-11 and attended by nearly 1000 publishing houses and non-governmental organizations from home and abroad, opened its doors to book lovers.
“Modernism changed the life philosophy of marriage”
In the ‘Psychology Conversations’ talk moderated by Journalist Şaban Özdemir, Psychiatrist – Author Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, drew attention to the fact that the relationship between men and women should be based on a complementary relationship, not a competitive one. Tarhan said: “Modernism changed the life philosophy of marriage. Modernism views the relationship between men and women as a competition. If she shouts, you shout back; if she throws a plate, you throw one too; if she hits, you hit back – then what happens is a competitive relationship. When it’s a strong vs. weak relationship, the physically strong one crushes the other. Then they ask why violence against women has increased. The relationship between men and women needs to be based on a complementary relationship, not a competitive one. Western culture does not teach this. Because it views life as a struggle, even during our medical school days at Cerrahpaşa, we heard from our professors: ‘Babies and children are in a struggle; when a child cries, never pick them up. If their bottom is clean and their stomach is full, don't pay attention to the child.’ Our professors taught us this during our student years. Now it is said that for happiness hormones like oxytocin and bonding hormones to be secreted in the child's brain, the mother and child need to have skin-to-skin contact, and you should pick them up even if you are not breastfeeding.”
“If a person sets boundaries, they create their own free space”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan spoke about the importance of a person learning to draw the line between their own boundaries and the rules of society. Tarhan said: “Individualization, freedom is a beautiful thing. Young people's greatest need right now is the need for autonomy, liberation, and questioning. However, autonomy is different from selfishness. That is, a child, a young person, a human can belong to a home, and also be free, and also belong to a group, a nation, a homeland. Striking a balance between the two is very important. Generally, being free is understood as breaking loose. This is not freedom; it is irresponsibility. A person has certain duties towards their birth environment, family, homeland, and land, because humans, unlike other living beings, were created to be civilized. What does civilized mean? Do you know when civilization actually first began? In our history books, it is described as the chipped stone age. The true beginning is not the chipped stone, but when the first human built a fence, defining their own home by setting boundaries for neighboring houses. Sociological boundaries are another fence. A person needs to learn to draw a boundary between their personal boundaries and those of family members, and between society's rules and their own boundaries. If they draw a boundary, they create their own free space and are free there, but if there is an overly controlling spouse, or an overly controlling mother or father, the child has no boundaries.” he said.
“In Turkey, the birth rate has started to fall below the death rate”
Tarhan touched upon the issue that concepts regarding family are being changed and applied as a method of cultural psychological warfare; “Currently, our population pyramid has started to invert, and in twenty or thirty years, it will be fully inverted. That means, in Turkey, the birth rate has started to fall below the death rate. This implies that, for example, in Japan, almost half of the population is over sixty-five years old, you wouldn't believe it, the figure is close to half. It might even be 40% over five years old. It's the same in Germany. Japan wanted to stop births because its population was increasing too much. But when you stop births, it's not like a car that stops suddenly; sociological events don't change all at once. Now they are trying to increase them, trying to encourage them, but marriage, within this framework, we need to conceptually change the definition of family. In fact, Confucius was once asked: ‘If you were to rebuild the world one day, what would you do?’ Confucius replied: ‘If I were to rebuild the world, I would start with concepts.’ They asked, ‘How so, can you give an example?’ He responded: ‘If the concept of a mother is merely someone who feeds, waters, and clothes, I would rename that mother 'manne'. Instead of someone who just feeds, waters, and clothes, I would redefine that concept as someone who provides compassion, loves, and cares.’ he said. Because currently, concepts regarding family are being altered, and a method of cultural psychological warfare is being applied. A reduction in population is desired globally.” he stated.
“What we call individualization is turning into selfishness”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the scientific knowledge related to rediscovering our ancient truths has now increased. Tarhan said: “Couple therapy does not exist in our culture. In our culture, spouses are called ‘refik’ and ‘refika’. What do ‘refik’ and ‘refika’ mean? It means travel companion in marriage. Refik, refika, male and female travel companions, you have a goal, you have boarded the ship of marriage, you are travel companions on the ship, and for this, you have sworn to be together. This companionship is being changed and defined as a competitive relationship, as if it is the era of the strong; my mother, your mother; my money, your money; what I say, what you say; ego wars… So currently, these ego wars, what we call individualization, are turning into selfishness. It should not turn into selfishness; individualization is a good thing, but selfishness is the fundamental aspect of a narcissistic personality trait, and this harms the person most. In male feminism, women are viewed not as an identity and personality, but as a sexual identity and sexual role. As a result, global problems are now emerging. For this reason, many definitions have been changed, and the scientific knowledge related to rediscovering our ancient truths has now increased. Currently, mindfulness is being taught as a course in high schools around the world, for example, and there's even a positive psychology book called ‘Mindfulness for Idiots,’ which I immediately bought. They published a book on mindfulness training for idiots, for those with intellectual disabilities. We've moved past 'idiots,' but we need to be able to explain it to normal people, to normal students, otherwise, we won't be able to withstand this storm.” he said.
“Love is not the cause but the result in marriage”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized the importance of the ability to establish good cooperation for love to sustain its existence; “In human relationships, we need to use 'I' language instead of 'you' language. Saying 'I think this way' or 'I think that way' are alternative thinking techniques. This solves most problems. It is the same for both women and men. Scales of family values are being created. Roles at home are getting confused. Mother role, father role, child role. A man is very good and successful in his businessman role, but his spouse role is zero. He doesn't care about his wife. His father role is zero, he doesn't care about his children. You are married, is just the businessman role enough? No, it's not. Now there's also the spouse role and the father role. You need to live out these roles too. The same applies to women. In women too, role sharing for the spouse role, when she becomes a mother, she only takes refuge in the mother role. She neglects her husband. Her husband drifts away. As distance increases, problems arise. They say, ‘Love evaporates one or two years after marriage,’ but the real reason love evaporates is that lovers suddenly get divorced. Therefore, love is not the cause but the result in marriage. If there is good love and quality cooperation, love transforms into lifelong love. If there is no quality cooperation, it evaporates. The ability to establish good cooperation is important for love to sustain its existence. Open, transparent, and honest relationships are necessary.” he said.
“If love includes empathy, then love creates a sphere of trust”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who also answered questions from the participants, stated that as all relationships develop and a person's level of maturity increases, the level of the relationship also increases. Tarhan said: “If love includes empathy, then love creates a sphere of trust. When there is love, fear naturally decreases. When fear decreases, trust is formed. That's why love is essential. I am not saying love is unimportant. Love is necessary for trust to form. When we say love, it is understood as blind love. However, if there is love that includes empathy, that love already creates trust. The word 'trust' exists to differentiate between empathetic love and unconditional love that lacks empathy. After all, there cannot be trust in a loveless home to create a safe space. It means everyone lives in fear. How long can love last with fear? If a teacher maintains discipline in the classroom through fear, chaos erupts when the teacher leaves, but if a teacher maintains discipline with love, a child will obey when the teacher says something, even when the teacher is not present. If a mother's love is accompanied by trust, the child will follow rules even when the mother is not around, to avoid losing her love. Therefore, instead of using love as a stick, we should be generous with love, giving it, but they should fear losing that love. There will be fear. That is, fear of losing love, not of the stick. We also misunderstand the fear of God. The word 'taqwa' means to refrain. It does not mean to be afraid. It is translated as fear in Turkish. It means to refrain. Don't do something wrong because it means fearing to lose the creator's love. A baby's mother hits them. Despite being wary of their mother's hitting, the baby still clings to their mother. The relationship between the Creator and humans is also like this. When you are afraid of stepping outside His boundaries and take refuge in Him, you establish a healthy relationship. You establish a relationship with yourself, with your family. You establish a relationship with society, with your homeland, with the Creator. As all these relationships develop, and a person's level of maturity increases, the level of the relationship also increases. Therefore, it is important to make relationships healthy.” he said.
Prof. Dr. Tarhan signed his books for his readers in the book signing area after the talk.
During the highly attended meeting, readers also had the opportunity to chat and take photos with Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan.