Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, participated in the “Effective Family Communication” seminar organized by the Elazığ Branch of the Women's Committee of Anadolu Gençlik Derneği. In the online seminar, Tarhan stated that power struggles are the biggest enemy of marriage. Explaining the effects of capitalism on family communication, Tarhan noted that capitalism raises expectations, thereby pushing people towards impatience and ingratitude. Stating that trust is an atmosphere, Tarhan emphasized that rules in family communication must be clear and explicit.
The online seminar was moderated by Clinical Psychologist Zeynep Akılotu.
“Power struggles are the biggest enemy of marriage”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that there are three types of communication in family communication, said: “The first is healthy communication, the second is conflictual communication, and the third is lack of communication. The worst among these is lack of communication because here the parties have given up hope on each other. They no longer even try to persuade each other. This situation is even worse than conflictual communication. Today, there are three main reasons for the deterioration of family communication. The first is ego wars and selfishness. This situation, which turns into personality wars with phrases like ‘what I say, what you say, my money, your mother,’ seriously damages communication. Such power struggles are the biggest enemy of marriage and family communication. Secondly, the spread of lies within the family. If one party lies and normalizes it, trust weakens. The weakening of trust increases conflicts and disloyalty over time. However, the most fundamental characteristic of a home is not love, but trust. Because love gives birth to trust. If there is love, fear decreases, and trust increases. If love is weak, fear increases, which damages trust. The increase of lies in the family negatively affects love, respect, and loyalty. The third reason is impatience and haste. Impatience causes criticism to go too far. Unrealistic expectations harm the relationship. These situations are important factors that negatively affect family communication,” he began his words.
“The capitalist system raises the level of expectation”
Tarhan, addressing the effects of capitalism on family communication, said: “Marriages begin with good intentions and beautiful expectations. However, one of the threats brought by modernism is presenting love as the fundamental condition for marriage. The understanding of ‘if there's no love, there's no marriage’ is widespread. Yet, in marriage, love is not a cause but a result. Couples who see love as the starting point marry because they are in love with each other. But after six months, this love evaporates. Because true love develops and becomes permanent when good cooperation is established alongside affection. If the parties succeed in establishing healthy cooperation, even the most difficult characters can live in harmony. Many studies and theses support this. Even incompatible characters can sustain their marriages when they establish good cooperation. If two angelic people cannot cooperate, the marriage will not work. If two grumpy people can cooperate well, a beautiful bond can be formed even in that relationship. Another important factor that disrupts communication in marriages is unrealistic expectations. Expecting things from one's spouse that they cannot fulfill is one of these expectations. Especially comparing spouses or relationships with others is one of the most common causes of arguments and quarrels in marriage. Furthermore, where there is impatience, there is also ingratitude. People become unable to be happy with small things. Instead of appreciating what they have, they start wanting more. This is one of the biggest harms the capitalist system inflicts on the family. It constantly raises the level of expectation,” he said.
Trust is an atmosphere…
Addressing the role of trust in family communication, Tarhan said: “Trust is an atmosphere. Just like air, suitable conditions must be provided for it to form. Trust spontaneously arises in open, transparent, and honest relationships. Love is a very strong bond that holds people together. It is truly said that the power that turns the universe is love. However, what is important here is the quality of love. Selfish loves, that is, conditional loves like ‘If you do this, I will love you,’ are harmful. For example, if a mother approaches her child in this way, the child learns love as a tool of pressure. They both love and feel anger. This leads to the child's alienation from the family during adolescence. Love without empathy is not true love. Instead of conditional love, a love nourished by empathy and mutual understanding is necessary. The name of this love is actually compassion. Compassion is important in mother, father, and child relationships. However, in husband-wife relationships, compassion can sometimes be harmful, especially when one sees their spouse like a child. Therefore, what is more important here is compassion. Compassion is a love that tries to understand the other party, considering their rights and needs. In relationships, not only love but also respect is very important. If love is water, respect is its container. In some societies, respect is based on fear. This is the product of authoritarian structures. However, true respect is respect nourished by empathy. Its name is courtesy. Courtesy is a more developed form of respect, an attitude that takes care not to hurt. Therefore, if parents want to create a safe relationship environment at home, the rules in the relationship must be clear and explicit,” he said.
“People with low self-confidence wear masks”
Tarhan, stating that people with low self-confidence and narcissistic individuals often wear masks in social relationships, said: “People with low self-confidence wear masks. People who are not at peace with themselves wear masks. Because they think they will be devalued if their true personalities are revealed. Open and honest people, who are consistent in their words and actions, do not need masks. For example, they do not lie. People who lie wear masks. Those who see lying as a way to seek rights or achieve a goal, who say 'anything goes to achieve the aim,' are masked. These people can deceive and mislead many through their masks, but it doesn't last long. The truth will eventually come out. Especially in close relationships, lies will ultimately be revealed. It will certainly come out on the first, second, or third occasion, and trust immediately shakes and falls. For this reason, people who wear masks normalize lying and act in a self-serving manner. People with low self-confidence are generally masked. Narcissistic individuals are much more so. For them, the sense of entitlement is directed only towards themselves. They see themselves as special, important, and superior. They perceive anything that could harm their perfection as a threat and an enemy. They evaluate even a small criticism as a threat. They immediately display hostile behavior. These people are toxic. They even play the victim role to achieve their goals. They act quite humble but completely change once they reach their objectives, ignoring you. Therefore, one should be careful in relationships with such toxic individuals,” he said.
“What is important is to be us while remaining me”
Tarhan, stating that discussions can be held to reveal the truth, said: “It is necessary to allow for storms in marriage. That is, occasional conflicts are also a part of marriage. For example, imagine you are in a boat. One of the parties rocks the boat. If the other party responds in the same way, the boat will capsize. The intelligent party grants the other the right to complain at that moment. After the storm passes, they calmly say, 'I am putting up with you for the good of our marriage, but what you are doing is not right.' Even this can be said without engaging in an argument. If necessary, one can withdraw for a while by moving to another room. This is a reflection of the concept of 'hijra' (migration/withdrawal) in our culture. If the parties try to correct each other at that moment, ego wars get involved. Therefore, it is not right to discuss problems when tension and emotions are high. What is discussed at such moments usually turns into a power struggle. Spouses try to dominate each other. However, discussions should be held to reveal the truth. We should think, 'What can we do for the good of our marriage?' What is important here is to be us while remaining me,” he said.
“Children who achieve what they want without effort become like flowers grown in a greenhouse”
Tarhan, stating that children should be taught a sense of responsibility, said: “The childhood period between 0-6 years is the most critical period when the foundation of personality is laid. At this age, a child sees their parents as heroes because they have not yet learned abstract concepts. They learn moral standards, right and wrong, good and bad, useful and useless from their family. Neuroscience data also shows that the foundations of personality are laid between 0-6 years of age. The child's fragility during this period stems from not being given enough responsibility. Children who are presented everything on a silver platter, who achieve what they want without effort, become like flowers grown in a greenhouse. They break and scatter at the slightest storm. If a child is desired to be a resilient individual in life, responsibility should be given from an early age. Tasks such as tidying their room, brushing their teeth, helping their mother at home, and supporting their father outside strengthen the child. A child who takes responsibility becomes the captain of their own ship. They learn to stand on their own two feet. Individuals with psychological resilience can remain resilient in the face of difficulties. For the child to grow up resilient in this way, both their emotional and mental muscles need to develop at an early age. While exercising to develop only physical muscles is beneficial, what is truly important is for them to gain inner resilience against difficulties,” he said.
“If we want our child to gain values, we must first live those values ourselves”
Tarhan, likening values to traffic signs, said: “Values are not taught through conferences or sermons. Turning breakfast into a life lesson every day by talking to your child is much more effective. Values are only learned within life. Values are like traffic signs for people. Just as signs help us stay on the right path in traffic, values help individuals reach their goals without making mistakes. If we can teach our child these three things, it will provide them with a strong foundation of values: ‘Earn with your effort. Have values. Live with honor.’ It's that simple. A child who earns with their effort learns to stand on their own two feet. They don't constantly lean on others. They stand strong, their fragility decreases. Therefore, setting goals for which the child will put in effort is very important. If, as parents, we want to transmit values, we must first provide value-based education. For example, let's say we want to teach a child honesty. Even if we talk about honesty for hours, the child only listens, perhaps respects, but cannot internalize that value. Honesty is learned through silent education. It is taught through our behaviors and attitudes during opportune moments in daily life. Therefore, if we want our child to gain values, we must first live those values ourselves. Mother and father are the child's first role models,” he said.
“A mental investment is required for this”
Tarhan, stating that children should be educated through persuasion, conviction, and making them love, said: “Children raised in cultures of pressure generally develop in two ways. The first appears silent, calm, and obedient from the outside. However, when conditions change, a child emerges who disrespects their parents and is inwardly angry. Therefore, pressuring a child in family relationships is much riskier, especially in today's conditions. A child can be educated using two different methods: through pressure, threats, intimidation, and suppression, or through appreciation, praise, persuasion, and conviction. Today's method is definitely the latter. 100-200 years ago, perhaps children could be educated by fear with the understanding that 'a beating is from heaven.' At that time, society was more closed, and even if children misbehaved, boundaries were clearer. Now the world has become digital, and evil is accessible from everywhere. In this age, children should be made to obey voluntarily, not through fear. This can only happen by persuading, convincing, and making them love. If you want to teach your child honesty, diligence, and to have goals, you must first ask, 'How can I teach these to my child?' A mental investment is required for this. Every young person wants to be valued, to be cared for, to be treated as an adult. When a child feels valued by their family, they internalize the values of that family. If this happens, you don't need to fear. Because they are no longer an individual who just listens to you, but one who understands you. In conflicts between parents and children, adults often lose. Therefore, there is no need to go to war,” he said.
“There are things within our power and things beyond our power”
Tarhan, addressing the effects left by the Elazığ earthquake, said: “Turkey is an earthquake zone. We need to accept this. As a society, as a culture, we have a weak side against earthquakes. After an earthquake, for example, there is tremendous solidarity. Trucks almost raced to send aid to Kahramanmaraş. Everyone helps each other, which is a very beautiful thing. But there is a more important truth than this: being able to manage risk before an earthquake, being able to prepare for an earthquake. If your house is safe, has a solid structure, and you have taken precautions, at this point, things that a person can and cannot control come into play. There are things within our power and things beyond our power. In psychology, we call this radical acceptance. That is, when a person encounters a situation they cannot change, they should say, 'Yes, I cannot change this, it's beyond my power,' and accept it. This situation applies not only to Elazığ but to all of Turkey. Geographically, we are also like this in terms of volcanic structure. Because we don't dominate nature. We are not the masters of nature. In such situations, if the world is a sea, we are a ship in that sea. There can be no ship without a captain. Those with strong spirituality, those with a solid faith, can face this situation more easily. We are already conducting post-earthquake post-traumatic growth assessments. We see that people with strong spirituality are more resilient to events. We can say that people with strong faith in this regard are more fortunate,” he concluded his words.