Emphasizing that some parents raise 'project children' but high motivation also has drawbacks, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that the duty of parents is to prepare children for life, and positive pressure applied to children can lead to anxiety. Tarhan underlined that life is not solely about academic success and advised setting goals for children that will activate their benevolent emotions so they can be both successful and good people.
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan addressed the consequences of pressures applied by families to children during the AKRA FM Marriage School program and offered advice for establishing healthy parent-child relationships.
Human mental health is assessed in 3 areas
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that each age has its own characteristics, saying, “Every age has its pros, cons, strengths, and weaknesses. When evaluating a person's mental health, we look at three areas. The first area is related to their inner world. That is, is the person at peace with themselves or not? In the second area, we look at their relationships with their social environment, family, and friends. The third area is related to their professional structure. If the person is a student, the third area is related to school. If a person's professional adjustment, social adjustment, and inner world adjustment are balanced, we say that person's mental health is sound.”
High motivation is harmful
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that people sometimes experience high motivation and continued his words as follows:
“It is useful to mention that high motivation has drawbacks. Some parents raise 'project children' with high motivation. For example, a child scores 97 on an exam, and the parent says, 'Why didn't you get a hundred?' When a child is told, 'You can do it, you're a lion, you're a tiger, you'll succeed, you're capable, you're talented,' they constantly feel on edge. But after doing this, they say, 'I'm not forcing them, I just said you can do it.' This is a type of high motivation; we can even consider it coercion. In such situations, the child accepts everything their mother and father say as sacred until the age of 10. Until the age of ten, parents are the child's heroes. After the age of ten, they start questioning.”
Positive pressure leads to anxiety
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who considers parents constantly praising their child in one area as excess, said, “Telling everyone who comes that the child works very hard in that area is a nice approach in terms of encouragement. However, when that area is made to seem like the only area of interest, the child starts to internalize other issues, and they explode in adolescence. The duty of the mother and father is to prepare the child for life. When positive pressure is applied to the child, it can lead to them becoming anxious, thus harming the child. The child already knows that they are supported and that their parents will be happy. Sometimes there are also parents who say, 'My child, you've worked too much, that's enough.' Children sometimes get carried away without realizing it. This situation often occurs during preparation for university entrance exams.”
Love and discipline must be balanced
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, also referring to the negative pressure applied by constantly scolding a child when they don't work, said, “We consider constant scolding, sarcasm, criticizing, and humiliating talk when they don't work as negative pressure. In positive pressure, we need to see if the dose of encouragement is being overdone. Even giving too much water to a flower is harmful. Too much love is also harmful. Love and discipline must be balanced. When love is given without discipline, the child can become spoiled.”
Life is not solely about academic success
Underlining that life is not solely about academic success, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “There is social success, there is emotional success. The idea of 'Let the child be successful, even if they're not happy' should never be a goal for parents. This is like raising a 'project child'. When this happens, the bond between mother and child is broken. The bond between mother and child and their ability to do things together are very important.”
Talent and success develop under stress
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that comfortable environments and conditions do not develop talents, said, “Talents and success develop under stress. This is a law of psychology. Under average conditions, talents do not develop; existing talents continue. But when destabilized, when there is stress, controllable stress develops talents. That is, crises lead to many discoveries in such situations. The current parenting style tends to raise children by protecting them from all kinds of difficulties. They think, 'We suffered, so they shouldn't.' Currently, this approach also appears to be the biggest problem for the new generation. Older generations had to mature in scarcity. Current generations have to mature in abundance. This is a much more difficult situation. As a result, generations cannot mature. When they cannot mature, they become lazy. A personality that expects everything from others emerges. However, a person needs to achieve a balance between freedom and responsibility. Therefore, it is necessary to accustom them to life's difficulties through coercion.”
Goals that activate benevolent emotions should be set
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, stating that worldly life is not fair and justice emerges in the afterlife when reunited, said, “There are unfair conditions in the world. Some start a few steps ahead. Although it sometimes changes, everyone is equal in rights and opportunities. Some are born physically more attractive. Some are more deficient in that regard but better in terms of intelligence. There is such diversity. Everyone is equal in terms of being a good person. Not everyone can be rich, not everyone can be handsome. Not everyone can have a good physical appearance, not everyone can be famous, but everyone can be a good person. Abstract goals, such as being among the good people when they reach the end of their lives, should also be shown to the child. A person has both benevolent and malevolent emotions within them. When goals are set for a child in a way that activates their benevolent emotions, they can be both a good person and successful. They can do both simultaneously.”
Children need to be taught to overcome difficulties
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that we need to teach children to overcome the difficulties they face and continued his words as follows:
“Children usually look to their parents. If the parents give up in the face of difficulty or run away immediately, the child takes them as an example. If the mother and father are in agreement as a family, there is no problem, but if they are not, it is necessary to teach the child to make their own decisions, regardless of their age. Here, one must proceed by compromising and persuading. Perhaps the child wants something in such situations because of their friends' guidance. We will say, 'Look, if you do this, these things await you; if you don't do it, those things await you,' and teach them profit-loss analysis. We will teach them how to make healthy decisions on life's journey. This can only happen by giving the child initiative. When a child is under stress, bedwetting or sleepwalking may occur.”