Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan attended the ‘Kurtuba Social Consciousness Seminars’ program organized by the Diyarbakır Kurtuba Education, Culture and Solidarity Association. Speaking about the importance of the trust zone created in marriages, Tarhan said; “We used to call marriage a nest of love, now we call it a nest of trust. Because if there is love, trust is formed, fear decreases, and the marriage proceeds. Therefore, the main goal in marriage is to have a zone of trust. People don’t know what marriage is. They currently know marriage as ‘two people being in love with each other’ as taught by popular culture. But marriage is not this. Marriage is a journey.” he stated.
“In good marriages, love is not the cause, but the result of marriage”
In the online event moderated by Dr. Sevim Polat, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan spoke about the perceptions formed regarding the purpose of marriage. Tarhan; “People don't know what marriage is. They currently know marriage as ‘two people being in love with each other’ as taught by popular culture. But marriage is not this. Marriage is a journey. In our culture, spouses were not called ‘couples’, look. This term comes from the West. Our spouses were called ‘refik-refika’. What does refik-refika mean? A life companion. You embark on an eternal journey. Not just for this world. You embark on an eternal life journey for the afterlife. You will travel together. Those who travel together do not look into each other's eyes. They look at a goal. To reach that goal healthily. To raise healthy children, to navigate the ship without sinking, that is, to go towards a certain purpose. But currently, the purpose of marriage is seen as ‘love for each other’. A modern fallacy, an urban legend. In good marriages, love is not the cause, but the result of marriage.” he said.
“Hedonistic pleasures are temporary”
Emphasizing that a person needs to set goals that will add meaning to their life to achieve lasting happiness, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “Humans are the only beings who think about the afterlife. No other being apart from humans seeks meaning related to death. But humans do. If you say the purpose of life is to eat, drink, and procreate, then don't get married, my friend. Then don't read or write books. Eat, drink, have fun, sleep. Kitchen, bedroom, dining hall, and among these, the toilet…etc. just wander around them. Is this humanity? Humans have a search for meaning. Look, even before Christ, Socrates, Plato, Aristotle divided happiness into two. The first is hedonistic happiness, pleasure happiness. The happiness that today's capitalism offers us. The second is called eudaimonic happiness. That is, this happiness of meaning. If a person pursues a goal that will add meaning to their life, then they can be happy. Hedonistic pleasures are temporary. It's a loss. You achieve it, and when you achieve it, that happiness doesn't last or you can't control it, so it turns into pain. After that, poems emerge. Art and literature. Literatures of pain, sadness. Sad songs and folk songs emerge. But behind this is actually humanity's search for truth. There is a search for meaning. Marriage is also such a journey for this reason.” he stated.
“Self-centeredness and worldly thinking lie behind domestic violence”
Pointing out the impact of current understandings on marriages, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “Our mental maps regarding marriage have changed. In the mental map, the capitalist system sees marriage not as ‘two people completing each other, but as competition between each other’. It says two people compete with each other. When marriage is seen as competition, the strong tries to crush the weak. Behind domestic violence lies this self-centeredness and a serious worldly mindset. In other words, we can say that the meaning, or rather meaninglessness, that a person attributes to their actions regarding marriage lies behind it.” he said.
“Love is an emotion that grows as a person focuses on positive aspects and diminishes as they see negative aspects”
Evaluating the concept of love through relationships, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “Before marriage, I give young people a 5S formula. I partly expressed it in my book ‘Being a Conscious Family’. The first S of those 5S is love. That is, it is very important to genuinely have love in marriage. For the continuation of marriage, it is very important for both parties to have love for each other. But this is never 0 love. That is, 51% is enough. The rest develops. Love is an emotion that grows as a person focuses on positive aspects and diminishes as they see negative aspects. That is, love is a variable emotion. It is related to a person's perspective and their way of giving importance and priority. Therefore, when a person says ‘this person is worthy of love’. They see their positive aspects. But if they say ‘they are not worthy of love’, then the brain opens a file to search for their flaws, and then conflict enters the relationship.” he stated.
“If boundaries disappear, there will be no justice, fairness, or healthy communication”
Emphasizing the importance of personal boundaries in a relationship, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “If love is water, then respect is the bowl, the container. That is, if you don't put love into the container of respect, that love will scatter and be lost. It cannot be protected, you cannot protect it. You will know your own personal boundaries. You will know the rights, laws, and boundaries of the other party. You will keep your love within these boundaries. For example, when loving a child. There are some mothers who love their child so much in the morning that they kiss them loudly, and excuse me, they lick the child's snot in the morning. And in the afternoon, they get angry at something the child did and say, ‘God curse you, why did I give birth to you?’ This happens in Borderline personalities, where both love and hate are experienced simultaneously. In fact, such a Borderline person has a typical style. For example, a woman yells at her husband, calls him names, shakes him, and says, ‘God damn you, I hate you’. The sentence behind it is, ‘don’t leave me’. She says, ‘I hate you’ and ‘don’t leave me’. This contradiction is the type of personality we call a boundary personality, a Borderline personality. It is truly difficult to live with such people. It's like getting into the same sack with a cat; it scratches and wears a person out a lot. Therefore, respect is very important. To know their personal boundaries and your own personal boundaries and to establish a relationship accordingly. For example, what happens if the walls in an apartment building are removed? Chaos ensues there. It's the same in human relationships. If boundaries disappear, there will be no justice. There will be no fairness and healthy communication.” he said.
“The main goal in marriage is to have a zone of trust”
Pointing out the impact of the trust zone on marriage, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “We used to call marriage a nest of love, that is, during our student years, during our assistantship, etc., when we were learning, marriage was a nest of love. Now, in literature, they call marriage a nest of trust. Because if there is love, trust is formed; if there is trust, fear decreases; and when fear decreases, the marriage proceeds. Therefore, the main goal in marriage is to have a zone of trust. For marriage, for the family to be a safe zone. There is love, but they quarrel every day. That's not how love works. Therefore, when the home is a safe zone, both parties show respect to each other and there is an attachment to the home. It is very important here to be attached to the home, not to the person. The concept of family needs to be formed. For there to be loyalty within the family, everyone needs to remain “I” while becoming “we.” If “we” are formed without remaining “I,” it means the other party becomes a doormat, which is narcissistic.” he stated.