Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, was a live broadcast guest on TRT Haber. Making striking statements on the topic of “Bossy Children and Their Impact on the Family,” Tarhan stated that it is normal for children to create problems at their age. Expressing that problem-solving is an opportunity for education and that every problem educates the child like a project, Tarhan said that instead of avoiding problems, children should be taught how to solve the project. Underlining the importance of parental attitudes in this process, Tarhan used the expression, “Parents are taking the child's place instead of being a guide…”
It is natural for a child to create problems at that age…
Emphasizing the importance of establishing healthy communication with adolescents and what parents should pay attention to in this regard, Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said; “This is a very important question for parents whose children enter adolescence in early puberty. Especially until that age, child relationships that were quite harmonious enter a period where the child searches for and finds their own identity with adolescence. They ask questions like ‘Who am I? Where should I belong? Why?’ and here their family is no longer their sole reference point. Other environments, friends, society, especially social media, become their new references. In such situations, the child questions. Children in early adolescence, even those over 10 years old, learn about life by creating problems. In other words, their creating problems is a requirement of that age. A child who does not create problems, a child like an angel, is not a healthy child. These children will question their mother, father, and society. They will protest because it's the age for children to form groups. Then they will find the truth from their own perspective. They will create their own truths. In other words, a child forms their identity, personality, and character in this way. During such a period, parents can make attitude mistakes. For example, parents, in their attitude, do not realize that the child has entered adolescence. They still try to think of the child as if they were in primary school. They see the child as an extension of themselves. Sit down, stand up. The child is our child, but they do not belong to us. They unconsciously overcontrol the child.”
“Before, we called them helicopter parents, now we call them drone parents”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that when a child creates a problem, parents should first question themselves instead of immediately judging the child. Tarhan; “Before, we used to call them helicopter parents. Now we call them drone parents. This is an overcontrolling, intrusive type of parent who constantly monitors the child. The child goes into the toilet, and the parent knocks on the door asking what they are doing. When a child is controlled to this extent, they feel like they are in prison. They feel like they are in a golden cage. Even if home feels like a shelter, they feel this way and start to object. The child feels ignored. For a child, for a young person, being treated like an adult is their greatest need. Being valued is their greatest need. For this reason, when a child creates a problem, parents should remember the announcement made on an airplane, which is a problem-solving method. In that announcement, it is said, ‘Put on your oxygen mask first.’ This should be the first reaction in a crisis on an airplane. The oxygen mask method here is the same thing. When a child creates a problem, instead of immediately judging or blaming the child, the parent should first start questioning themselves in such a situation, asking, ‘What is the reason for this behavior? Which of my attitudes might positively or negatively affect this behavior?’” he said.
Early adolescence has increased!
Tarhan pointed out that attitudes pushing children to earlier mental stimulation for their age initiate early adolescence in children; “Adolescence occurring earlier than normal has increased. There are global publications on this. Children enter adolescence at 9-10 years old. Normally, adolescence begins around 12 years of age. The first signs of puberty definitely begin between 12-15. Early onset of adolescence occurs for two reasons. First, obesity. If a child is obese, when they are excessively obese, the body thinks it has grown. The brain says, 'You've entered puberty, you've grown,' and the brain gives a false alarm. Sex hormones begin to be secreted. Obese children enter early adolescence. That is, children who are overweight for their age. The second is excessive sexual stimulation. If a child encounters sexual stimulation inappropriate for their age, if they encounter curiosity about that topic, imitations related to it begin… For example, wearing makeup, coloring hair, or building a body… the child has this desire to grow. Children want to grow up. The elderly also want to be young. That is, it's a general tendency, a requirement of our biological nature. While children want this, attention should be paid to parental attitudes that set a wrong example for them, making them perceive growth as physical appearance rather than maturation. Global influences in the media push children to earlier mental and sexual stimulation for their age and can initiate early adolescence,” he stated.
Understanding the child before saying no is necessary
Tarhan, emphasizing the need to walk together on life's path with the child instead of trying to correct them; “In childhood, especially for the adolescent period, psychological schools call this the normal schizophrenic period. This means that if a 30-40-year-old person exhibited the behaviors of that child, that young person, they would be diagnosed with schizophrenia. Sudden outbursts inappropriate for their age, sudden angers, inconsistent inappropriate laughter, inappropriate behaviors, inappropriate jokes—these are things that can happen in adolescence. In such a situation, parents think, ‘Oh no, our child has gone astray,’ and they become overly concerned. This time, a confrontational communication emerges. In such a situation, understanding the child, dedicating time to them, and listening are important. The most common mistake parents make in such situations is immediately giving lectures and sermons. They try to correct the child. However, instead of taking the child in front of us and correcting them, we need to take the child by our side and walk together on life's path. If a person has a travel companion on life's journey, what do they do with their companion on a long journey? They complement each other, they talk. Hz. Ali has a very beautiful saying; ‘Play with your children until they are five. Be friends with them until they are 15. After 15, consult with them.’ Now, this age of 15 needs to be lowered further. When you ask children, ‘What is your opinion on this matter?’ their sense of belonging at home increases. They feel valued, and in such situations, children learn about life by talking,” he said.
Parents are taking the child's place instead of being a guide…
Tarhan, underlining the need to be an example instead of giving advice to children; “A child's greatest need is the need for guidance. There is a need to be a guide. Parents, instead of being guides, are taking their place. They are doing what the child should be doing. They act overly controlling. It is necessary to say no to children with reasons. If you say no without a reason, the child perceives it as an unfair attack. This time, they also retaliate. For example, you will tell the child to wear this t-shirt, and they will hesitate, 'Did you wear it or not, did you wear it or not.' The child objects to prove themselves. They say no. You should offer five t-shirts. You will ask the child which one they want. You will offer alternatives. One will be more appealing, more attractive. The child will choose it. And the parent will not lose control. The child will also satisfy their feeling of self-confidence by saying, 'I did it.' Instead of giving orders, it is necessary to offer choices. Also, we give a lot of advice, it's our culture. Instead of giving advice, it is necessary to be an example,” he said.
“Every problem educates the child like a project”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, drawing attention to the great importance of parents using a common language, spoke about the need to teach children to solve problems instead of avoiding them. Tarhan; “Children encounter more information than children 20-30 years ago. There is much more social contact. There is virtual contact. In such a situation, the child challenges the parents. Since children challenge them, what do parents do with the method they learned from their own parents? They approach the child with authority, saying, ‘This is how I saw it from my mother and father.’ In other words, instead of approaching with authority, if they say no to the child with life's justifications and explain the pros and cons of life, the child will both understand that they are valued and learn about life. Therefore, there is a slogan. Love, value, share… For this age group. We will show that we love them. We will show that we value them, but not just with words. If efforts do not complete the words, the child will not believe. Being friends with the child, playing together, traveling together, chatting together, spending time. When we look at healthy-growing children, they have been children who spent time with their families. And there have been children whose parents used a common language, where marital discord was not too prevalent. If parents use a common language, the child will also try to express the language difference between the two. They do not do this knowingly, but unknowingly. Therefore, in such a situation, parents should use a common language. Parents may only think differently about events, but parents will form a horizontal coalition. They will approach the problem together. If there are children, the children will also form a horizontal coalition. If a vertical coalition is formed where the mother supports the child and the father supports the child, there will be no peace. That is why it definitely requires mental effort and endeavor for parents to form a horizontal coalition and say, ‘What should we do for the child? How should we solve this problem of the child?’ In such situations, the child learns about life very well. They learn problem-solving. Problem-solving is opportunity education. Every problem educates the child like a project. Therefore, let's teach the child to solve problems instead of avoiding them,” he said.