Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of couples maintaining a balanced attitude towards each other in a happy and healthy marriage, stated that narcissistic personalities, in particular, should be properly warned by their spouses. Tarhan, stating that couples need to consider and protect both their homes and themselves, said, “Here, one must both protect oneself and consider their home. In other words, we will achieve balance.” Likening marriage to a ship, Tarhan said, “In stormy weather, one should focus on how to dock the ship. The captain’s mistakes must also be pointed out. If the captain’s mistakes are not reminded to him, the home will be destroyed. The right path must be shown to the captain.”
Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made evaluations regarding values in marriage and the concept of justice in family life on the Marriage School program broadcast on Akra FM.
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that as a result of global capitalism, the only ideology in the world is currently capitalism, and this “disease” has also spread to society and the family. He said, “Our hierarchy of values in the family has been disrupted. What is at the top of the hierarchy of values in our culture? Achieving divine consent. Divine consent is aimed for. Look at Mevlana, Yunus Emre, look at the founding philosophy of the Ottoman Empire; in all of them, making divine consent the goal exists. There is I'lâhi kelimetullah (the word of God). There is İzzeti İslamiye (Islamic honor). This divine consent has become an ideology.”
Love, Honesty, and Justice are Required for Trust
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that seeing and using money as power is prominent today. He said, “Possessions, material things like money, stand out as power. Material powers are concrete. There are also abstract powers, which are referred to as soft power. True common power is actually being fair, building trust, and establishing an open, transparent relationship. Soft powers have taken a back seat. Where there is power, trust cannot be built because there is no love, honesty, or justice.”
Love Must Be Distributed Fairly
Underlining that love must be distributed fairly, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that this situation also affects peace and balance in the home, and said the following:
“For example, Prophet Jacob (Hz. Yakup) experienced the greatest trial regarding this issue. Prophet Jacob is a great prophet, the father of prophets. Prophet Jacob is the father of Prophet Joseph (Hz. Yusuf) and loves Prophet Joseph very much. He loves him so much that he constantly protects him. As a result, his brothers become jealous and throw him into a well. There is an injustice of love there, and Prophet Jacob's trial begins, but he perseveres and ultimately triumphs, though he sustains considerable suffering. Prophet Joseph also pays a price; his trial is likewise. There is no such mistake in the life of the Prophet Muhammad. He visits the home of one of his companions. All the man's children come, showing respect and kissing his hand. He treats all his children warmly, but the father singles out one. This situation draws the attention of the Prophet Muhammad. He asks, ‘Do you want your children to treat you equally?’ The companion replies, ‘Of course, O Messenger of Allah.’ Prophet Muhammad says, ‘Then you should also love your children equally.’”
Emotion Management Must Be Practiced in the Family
Stating that emotion management must be practiced in the family, Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “What happens when you love two of your children little and one of your children a lot at home? The less loved children, thinking their father doesn’t love them, might hurt their siblings, disrupt games, and become jealous. We are unable to manage emotions. The ability to regulate emotions is important. This is not innate; it is learned later. Animals have this instinctively. A mother protects her young but pushes them away once they grow up. Humans are not like that. Even when a child grows up, parents continue to protect them. My late mother, I was 60 years old and she was 80. When I left the house, she would tell me, ‘Stay to the side.’ Love is like this. In our culture, such examples are common. My mother also greatly protected and glorified my father. She would say, ‘Your father was raised this way, don't upset him.’ That’s why we were able to achieve balance.”
Honesty is the Most Valuable Virtue
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that money once occupied the top spot in the hierarchy of values, but later fell to second place. He said, “Honesty became a virtue. Yet, honesty is a concept that everyone should possess. Honesty is justice. I had an example from my student years. A businessman buys a car for 26,000 TL. Two hours after selling it, meaning after giving his word to a customer, someone else comes and offers him 28,000 TL. The businessman refuses, saying, ‘I gave my word, I cannot sell it.’ When this is recounted as an example of honesty, some interpret it as foolishly honest. However, this action is actually a great gain. He loses 2,000 TL, but the trust he builds becomes his greatest capital in the market. Business becomes a verbal bond for that person. Many people do business with him because he does not break his word.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that sometimes spouses have very high expectations of each other, which affects communication between couples. He said, “Sometimes women's expectations are high. There are spouses who say, ‘Don’t work, just pay attention to me.’ We once had a colleague working with us. His wife started getting sick. She would faint repeatedly. I evaluated his wife. She wanted her husband to come home early, quit his job, and only pay attention to her. However, her husband was earning money, and they had quality time together. When he came home, they could spend time together. I told her this and confronted her. The fainting spells stopped, but a year later, the man quit his job. The woman did everything she could to move to her father's village, got him transferred to her hometown. It affected his future.”
Wrong Behavior Should Be Stated Clearly
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that in some marriages, men exert pressure on women, and here, the woman should object, and it must be explained that this behavior is not right. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan said, “Especially in individuals who glorify money and see it as the most sacred value, narcissistic traits are high, and they accept this as an indisputable truth. In such situations, the person only realizes this by experiencing the consequences. Here, the wife needs to tell her husband, ‘What you are doing is not right, but I will tolerate it for the future of this family.’ It is important to state that what he is doing is not right and that it bothers her.”
One's Narcissism Should Not Be Fed
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that praising a narcissistic person's behavior instead of pointing out their mistakes reinforces that behavior. He said, “This behavior feeds the person’s narcissism. It is very wrong. One must definitely say to the person, ‘What you are doing here is wrong, but I am tolerating this wrong for the future of the marriage, for the good of the marriage,’ and wait. If this is not said, it feeds the person’s narcissism. It feeds wrongs, and evil. A hadith states, ‘Do good to a bad person.’ Do good to them by telling them their mistakes. In our culture, this is known as friendly criticism.”
Setting Boundaries for a Narcissistic Person is Necessary
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that Alexander the Great dismissed his constantly self-praising assistant. He said, “He asked why he was dismissed. Alexander said, ‘You never told me any of my mistakes or flaws. If I am flawless, I don’t need you. I want someone who tells me my mistakes by my side.’ It’s no coincidence that he was Alexander the Great. He was someone with a high ego, essentially a narcissistic leader, but perhaps this was one of the truths behind his success. Therefore, having friends who criticize is very important. Narcissistic leaders view criticism as a threat and often fall apart and lose as a result of their own mistakes. This is true in social life and in the family. It is necessary to set boundaries for a narcissistic person who makes mistakes. One needs to distinguish between their own personal boundaries and their spouse’s personal boundaries. The action I am referring to here is the act of setting boundaries.”
Trying to Change One's Spouse is a Mistake
Tarhan stated that one of the most common mistakes in marriages is trying to change a spouse’s attitudes and behaviors. He warned, “What happens at home then? Ego battles ensue. Things like, ‘What I say, what you say; my money, your money; my mother, your mother.’ In such situations, power struggles occur. Narcissistic individuals belittle the other party, then use this phrase: ‘I’m doing this for your own good.’ They tie the other person to themselves that way. They devalue, then bind. They try to establish such control. Therefore, one must not fall for this game.”
Children Emulate Their Parents
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that these power struggles at home have negative effects on children. He said, “Especially individuals who try to dominate their spouses through financial power set a bad example for children. If a child emulates a father in this model, they might also behave similarly towards the mother. When entering adolescence, the child begins to challenge the mother. This is because adolescence is generally a period of individuation, a period of moving away and detaching from the family. By its nature, the child asks questions like, ‘Who am I, where should I go, why?’ A child asking these questions during adolescence observes. What is discussed most in this home? If money, possessions, property, fame, and wealth are discussed most, then that is the sacred value of the home. Even if such individuals claim they do not value money, it is not so in practice. Therefore, one needs to look at what the dominant topic of conversation in the home is.”
Wrong Behaviors, Not Personalities, Should Be Criticized
Tarhan stated that narcissistic individuals are also very intelligent. He said, “Narcissistic people are also very intelligent because their greatest fear is the fear of being ordinary. To avoid being ordinary, they work very hard and do everything to be called smart and intelligent. They are uncomfortable with criticism, but if it is constructive criticism, they even show humility. These individuals also have leadership qualities. Sometimes, if the criticism aligns with their own goals, they can even be open to it. Therefore, when criticizing these individuals, you should not criticize their personality. Their wrong behaviors and efforts should be criticized. When their personalities are criticized, ego battles occur. Therefore, one should say, ‘Your personality is important and valuable, but this behavior is harming the relationship. You are setting a wrong example for children, or I am concerned that your sacred values have shifted.’” he advised.
Tarhan stated that one of the greatest characteristics of narcissistic individuals is their fear of losing what they value most. He said, “If what they value most is money, they fear losing it. If what is most valuable is social status, if they hold an important position in a tribe or community, they fear their name being tarnished. Based on that fear, these individuals need to be warned, ‘If you do not correct these behaviors, it will break where it is weakest.’ If initial warnings are not given and precautions are not taken against such people, if they are not approached with determination, persistence, consistency, and patience, this will become continuous. Therefore, it is necessary to say no to such individuals.”
A Hierarchy of Values Must Be Established
Tarhan noted that an individual should establish their hierarchy of values. He said, “One of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is social needs. At the very top is self-actualization. But in the pyramid of values, it is not like that. At the very top are sacred values. Every human being has something sacred. For example, for capitalists, money is sacred. Then, other values come in second, third, fourth, and fifth place. Everyone needs to establish a hierarchy of values. A hierarchy of values is something like this: you create a pyramid in your mind. When a person says in their mind map, ‘This is the most important issue for me,’ the brain focuses on that most important issue. When something feels wrong to them, they automatically start saying no. The brain programs itself accordingly. It gives the brain a roadmap, utilizing its programming capacity. If someone programs their brain to say, ‘I will wake up at 4 AM,’ and goes to bed believing it, they will wake up without an alarm, but if they say, ‘What if I wake up, what if I don’t,’ they often miss it. That’s why when you do it with belief, the brain programs it. This is a kind of self-hypnosis.”
It is Important to Believe in the Sacred After Filtering it Through Reason
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that beliefs hypnotize individuals. He said, “In Eastern societies, people become hypnotized by attaching themselves to a person, giving them their mind, putting their mind in their pocket. This is how it is in Eastern culture, in leader-centric cultures. They sanctify the leader, seeing them as flawless. A person can perform self-hypnosis. We all do. For example, believing in something sacred is a kind of self-hypnosis, but it is important to believe in the sacred after filtering it through reason; a balance of mind and heart is necessary for this. If only the heart dominates a person's life, they will sanctify what they like best, but if they combine mind and heart, and can educate their heart and ego after filtering through reason, they achieve balance. The ego and Satan attack from one side. Our heart directs us to love what is good, and our heart is directly connected to Allah. It directs us to love. Our mind acts as an arbiter in such situations, so to speak, it is in the captain's bridge, it manages. From one side, the ego and Satan push. The heart determines what you feel affection for. The mind says, ‘Don’t do this, love this, don’t love that.’ Heart management is actually emotional intelligence management.”
Tarhan noted that a person who performs self-analysis can also self-criticize, and he stated that one should have goals in life. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, who said, “If you don’t know where you are, you can’t find the way,” added, “Moving forward in life is like navigating with a car. That is, knowing where you are in life right now means knowing your strengths and weaknesses. You will know this, set your goal, and draw your roadmap. Life is that simple.”
We Must Learn from Our Mistakes
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that due to our culture being an oral one, we miss many things. He said, “Written culture is the gain of the West. They have written and continue to write everything. It is still like that. I write very quickly. One of the things I try to write is, when I make a mistake, I take notes on why I made this mistake. I have a lot of notes saved. Why did I do it? What is the visible reason for this? What is the invisible reason? What is the aspect of destiny? I have taken such notes for myself. I do this because the visible reason and the invisible reason are not the same. For example, if a stone falls on our head while walking, it doesn't fall without Allah’s permission. In such situations, one should think, ‘I am walking on my usual path now. Am I doing the usual thing? What did I do for destiny to allow this?’ and should look back at their past. This is where dervish-hood lies. Dervish-hood teaches this. Yunus Emre has a beautiful saying: ‘Everyone is righteous if you are righteous; righteousness cannot be found if you are crooked.’ This is such a concise piece of wisdom… Therefore, first, you be righteous, then see how people become.”
The Bad Part Within Us…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that Allah gave humans the feeling of challenging themselves, and that this is the bad part within us. He said, “For example, humanism disregarded this bad part. That is the weak point of Maslow’s hierarchy. It disregards the bad part within humans. The person who first discovered the bad part in psychoanalysis is alive today. Psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg said, ‘There is a bad part within humans.’”
Tarhan stated that Freud, the first psychoanalysts, and the humanist school claimed that humans are sacred. He said, “They say humans have no flaws. Most of these thinkers and schools sanctified humans. They said humans do not need God. When I wrote my book ‘Psychology of Emotions’ in 2006, the science of psychology did not accept the bad part within humans. Medical science did not accept it. They are from the humanist school. When I wrote it, there were criticisms like, ‘He wrote this according to his own mind.’”
Tarhan noted that humans have positive and negative emotions, and that the frontal lobe in the anterior part of the brain is, in a sense, a mental jury. He said, “There is a mental jury in the brain. This jury works as follows: At the head of the jury is a judge. There are four members. One member says, ‘What you said is real or not. This is a scientist.’ The second member says, ‘This is useful or useless.’ This is the operational member. The third member states whether it is right or wrong. This is the ethics instructor. The fourth is the aesthetician. They say whether it is beautiful or not. The judge takes this information and makes a decision. This happens every minute. Life is a choice for him. Every moment a feeling comes to our mind, a thought comes. We look among these. Useful, useless, profit, loss, but a capitalist thinker thinks according to profit and loss.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that humans do not act solely based on profit and loss or as rational actors when investing; emotional actors also come into play. He said, “People invest more in things they love. They invest more in things they trust. They invest more with appreciation and praise.”
Tarhan stated that positive psychology is not Pollyannaism. He said, “You see the negative, you see the positive. You move forward with a positive focus. Being able to do this is important. Money is very attractive. The ego loves money, but the heart will not love it. Our ego loves money, it does. It’s impossible; a person who says ‘I don’t love money’ is lying. One should say, ‘I love money, but I love Allah more.’ One should say, ‘I love Allah’s contentment more.’ Allah says there is an unseen hand for people whose hearts have such good intentions.”
The Captain's Mistakes Should Be Pointed Out
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized the importance of both partners in a happy and healthy marriage considering and protecting their home, as well as protecting themselves. He said, “Here, one must both protect oneself and consider their home. In other words, we will achieve balance. Justice is our compass, but we also need to build our home while following the compass. Like a ship in a storm… One needs to focus on how to bring the ship to the harbor. If the captain’s mistakes are not reminded to him, the home will be destroyed. The right path must be shown to the captain.”