Üsküdar University Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, was a guest at the “My Strong Family with Its Values” program organized by the Aksaray Provincial Mufti's Office. In the online meeting held with the participation of Mufti's Office personnel, Tarhan shared insights on “Values Sustaining the Family,” addressing the family from different perspectives. He stated that truths about the family are changing today, and culture transfer is now done by the media, not by families. Tarhan emphasized that our homes have become open to uninvited guests and ideas today, and he drew attention to the importance of parents being able to serve as role models for their children.
Tarhan participated online in the program where Mufti's Office personnel, who had read Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan's books ‘The Last Refuge: Family and Being a Conscious Family,’ gathered in the Aksaray Provincial Mufti's Office conference hall. The Mufti's Office personnel showed great interest in the program.
Uninvited guests and ideas are now entering homes…
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out that cultural traditions, customs, and teachings protected the family, and stated that technological developments have harmed cultural values. Tarhan said; “The reason I call the family 'the last refuge' stems from the current global trend. There are trends and precursors in the world that show where it is heading. There are values, social norms, family norms, and moral norms that protect the family. With our entry into this age of communication, the social norms protecting the family have become even more pronounced, and the world has begun to turn into a global village. As a result, social rules, social norms, traditions, customs, and practices that protected the family have weakened today. When these weakened, the norms protecting the family came under siege; the outer fortress was the neighborhood, the inner fortress was urban culture, our traditions, Anatolian culture, and centuries-old teachings... With the emergence of the internet in 1993, the world gained access to everything. First, televisions at home, then smartphones became the open door of the house. Because it is the open door of the house, many uninvited guests and uninvited ideas are now entering. The home was actually our refuge, our home was our family refuge…”
Culture is now transferred by media, not by family…
Tarhan stated that culture transfer is now carried out by the media instead of the family and emphasized the importance of the family as a safe space for children. Tarhan said; “The divorce rate has increased. According to Turkish statistics, the divorce rate in the first 5 years is 38 percent. Moreover, new generations do not want to get married. In Turkey, the family is the domain that transfers culture, but currently, it is the media, not culture, that transfers the family. In such a situation, if the family is not protected, there will be only one popular culture in the future, transforming all cultures. Against this, it is necessary to emphasize the perception of the family as a refuge. Scientifically, if the family is a safe space, the child grows up healthy. They feel secure and can become entrepreneurial and start learning when they venture into life. If the family is not a safe space, the child cannot grow up peaceful, happy, and healthy. If you can feel safe and comfortable when you come home, that house is a home. Otherwise, it cannot be a home; it would just be like a hotel.”
“Let's start by improving ourselves to fix the world…”
Tarhan, mentioning that children first take their families as examples, said; “If the family is warm, what happens to the child in the family… The child takes the mother, the father, and their relationship as examples. If these three examples are good, no matter what media, social media, computers, or the street present, even if the child gets involved in a mistake, they return to the right path. Therefore, let's not be hopeless, let's not be pessimistic, but everyone here should improve themselves. Let's not expect everything from the state, politics, leaders, religious figures, or opinion leaders. Everyone should try to keep their own area clean; we are in such a time. For this, we must start from our inner world, our family. Starting from our inner world, first through introspection before our inner journey of discovery, and then by beautifying our outer world, you will see that the child becomes better, the family becomes better, and intra-family relations also become better. Let's start by improving ourselves to fix the world.”
“First, we will aim for the good, the right, and the beautiful…”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, mentioning that individuals have free will in choosing what is good, emphasized that individuals should first aim for the good. Tarhan said; “Within a person, there are two parts: a good part and a bad part. Whichever part we nourish and grow, that part dominates our personality. The good part within us is the 'nefs' (ego/self) as understood from the examples in the life of the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) in our culture, our place, our religion, and the 'nefs' as understood from Sufism. On one side there is the nefs, on the other side there are the heart and the spirit. Reason chooses one between these two. It makes decisions about good/bad, right/wrong, safe/unsafe, beneficial/useless, profitable/harmful. All we do is make these decisions every minute. Then, Allah, with His name Al-Qadir (The All-Powerful), gives us His energy and makes it happen. If we choose good, He makes good happen; if we choose bad, He makes bad happen. Therefore, we have free will within ourselves to choose the right and the beautiful; this is a reality brought by neuroscience. The human brain has the ability to choose. Beyond that, it is no longer under human control, except for choosing. When we think from this framework, we will choose what is good in our inner world. To choose good in our inner world, we will set good, right, and beautiful as our goal for ourselves. First, we will aim for the good, the right, and the beautiful.”
“He who manages himself, wins his future...”
Tarhan, emphasizing that it is important for people to first achieve victory over themselves, said; “You will set goals, you will monitor input control, output control. That is, you will be rich in love and rich in knowledge in your inner world. You will enrich and beautify your inner world. You will spend this wisely and in due time. First, you will increase the input, which is very important in the first 15 years of age. We mostly plant these in the developing soul of the child. Therefore, if we improve ourselves, rest assured that social media can do nothing. That's why it's called 'neuro leadership' here; someone who is not a leader of themselves cannot be the leader or head of a family. They cannot be a mother, a father, a leader of a company, or a leader of a society. In fact, they must first be their own leader. That's why I tell young people; win the first victory against yourselves, manage your own seductive, misleading, deceptive, time-management-lacking, hasty, impatient aspects. He who manages himself, wins his future. The past is accumulation in our lives, the past is capital, today is a gift to us, and tomorrow is an investment. According to the logic of resource management, the future is an investment, but for there to be an investment, you must first have strategic goals. What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to be remembered when you reach the end of your life? Will you have many negative points or many positive points as you go through life? Every minute, every second of our lives is being written, everything is being planned…”
“If you are married, you will not think as a single person…”
Tarhan, underlining the importance of 'we' instead of 'I' in marriage, said; “The marriage scale has sub-dimensions: personality compatibility, biological compatibility, sexuality, economic compatibility, social status, and position compatibility, etc. The more congruent and compatible these are, the more ready one is considered for marriage. Some individuals who are about to marry experience prolonged adolescence. This is especially common in men. Some men marry but still act like teenagers. They say they are married but will live as they please. This is not acceptable; if you want to live as you please, you should not marry. If you are married, you will no longer think as a single person; you will think as two. You will not look with two eyes, but with four; you will not listen with two ears, but with four. In marriage, we will be 'us' as 'I'.”
“Truths about the family have changed significantly”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, referring to the transfer of love through mirror neurons, mentioned that concepts related to the family are being re-examined for this reason. Tarhan said; “There are emotional mirror neurons in the human brain. The mirror neurons in both brains communicate. If one feels something with strong emotions, this also creates a reflection in the other person's brain. Just as when we raise our arm, the arm region in the other person's brain activates, so do the emotional regions of the other person. Based on this, love can be transferred, emotional transfer of love can occur. Love and sincerity can be transferred. In this way, the relationship between mother and child can also be like this, and many concepts related to the family have started to be rewritten. For this reason, our truths about the family have changed significantly. We now need to provide new answers to old questions.”
“If there are no problems in a marriage, that is a problem…”
Tarhan stated that if there is conflict instead of lack of communication in marriages, there is hope in that marriage; “If there are no problems in a marriage, that is also a problem. There are three types of communication; one is healthy communication, the second is conflictual communication, and the third is lack of communication. The worst of these is lack of communication. If there is no talking at all in a home, that home is playing for extra time. That is more dangerous. If there is conflict, both sides have hope of fixing things. If there is conflict, you will change your conflict method, your way of handling events. If you cannot change the flow, you will change your perspective. Men think result-oriented, and women think process-oriented. Both are trying to change things with good intentions. There is love, but they haven't developed a method. In such a situation, the side that says ‘Stop, think, re-evaluate’ will take the leadership, the psychological upper hand.”
“Their questions, their criticisms, are a gift for us…”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that individuals who lack marital maturity should not consider marriage; “If a person entering marriage says, ‘If it doesn't work out, I can't do it,’ or ‘If it doesn't work out, I'll leave,’ they should not enter that marriage at all. That person lacks marital maturity. We tell young people: ‘Open your eyes wide before marriage, and half-open them after marriage.’ After marriage, don't see each other's flaws anymore. Now, this approach is becoming the approach in marriage. People providing family counseling or relationship counseling may have shortcomings and faults. Sometimes, among the patients who come to us, I encounter patients who want to corner us by making us angry and saying, ‘See, you get angry like this too.’ When such a person comes, there is a way to even convince them. At the very end, as they leave, we ask, ‘Have we agreed that we disagree on everything?’ The other person suddenly freezes and then comes to the next session, thinking, ‘This person understood me.’ Therefore, let them ask questions if they want to; we will do what is right. Their questions, their criticisms, are a gift for us.”
“It is essential to establish a trust relationship between child and mother!”
Tarhan also made evaluations regarding women's working life from a family perspective; “Today, women have to work. No one can replace a mother during the 0-3 age range. Our lucky aspect is that in our culture, we have grandmothers and paternal grandmothers who compensate for this 0-3 age period. If a mother has to work and her baby is between 0-3 years old, the caregiver must be a stable, consistent, and continuous caregiver. When caregivers change every day, the child's basic sense of trust does not develop. If a mother works during the 0-3 age range, she comes home in the evening with gifts, out of a sense of guilt. The child no longer looks at the mother but starts looking at her hand. This is a wrong reward system. It is essential to establish a trust relationship between the child and the mother. If the mother is to be with the child, we call it qualified togetherness. If there is no qualified togetherness, if the mother does not engage with her child, it leads to emotional neglect.”
“Whoever they form the warmest relationship with, they model after that person…”
Tarhan, pointing out that children take their parents as role models, said; “In adolescence, a child begins to question their mother and father. A child gravitates towards whomever they love. When a child starts to walk their first steps, they walk towards whomever they love the most. If they love their mother, it's the mother; if they love their father, it's the father. This is also a measure; the child models after that person. They model after whoever they form the warmest relationship with. The ideal is for the child to take from the mother, from the father, from society, from the environment, and form their own personality like a bee. A bee visits 400 flowers in a day and makes its own honey, children are the same way…”
“A person who uses violence as a problem-solving method belongs to the Middle Ages…”
Tarhan also drew attention to arguments between spouses, stating that those who use violence, threats, and fear belong to past ages. Tarhan said; “In this age, a person who uses violence as a problem-solving method belongs to the Middle Ages. It doesn't matter whether it's a woman or a man. Anyone who uses violence, threats, and fear as a problem-solving method belongs to the Middle Ages. These are not the truths of our era. We live in the information age; in this age, there are methods of persuasion and conviction. Both men and women will ponder how to persuade about wrongs and rights, along with their justifications.”