Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Uskudar University, was a guest on the 'Family Civilization' program broadcast on ERKAM Radio. Making evaluations on the topic of 'Affection in the Family and Communication Between Spouses', Tarhan emphasized that marriage is an innate concept. Tarhan stated: “Our biological and psychological nature desires marriage, but mating is biological, while marriage is cultural. Therefore, marriage is one of the most important discoveries in human history. There was no marriage among early humans during the period of savagery, but later, the concept of marriage sociologically emerged, and the concept of family appeared. Marriage is on a human level. If there is no marriage, there is no society.”
“A person with a clear goal does not get tired”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Uskudar University, spoke about the necessity for a person to first feel a need in order to motivate themselves. Tarhan said: “There is a very beautiful saying; 'Learn from the past, live today, look to the future.' Therefore, in such a situation, we are human; we made mistakes in the past. Mistakes happen. One needs to learn from them, ask what they taught, and certainly have high goals and ideals for the future. It is these high ideals that give meaning to a person’s life. Even ideals beyond death. Ideals limited only to this world are not enough to motivate a person. For motivation, that is, to motivate oneself, a person must first feel a need. After feeling a need, desire arises. After desire arises, one motivates oneself. For example, if you want to make a horse drink water, hitting its head with water won't make it drink. If you make it thirsty, it will drink on its own. The way to make one feel a need is to set a meaningful goal for them. For example, when you set a goal beyond death, an eternal goal, such as the pleasure of Allah. Even Heaven is not the goal. Even avoiding Hell is not the goal. Aiming for divine pleasure, the countenance of Allah, is the goal. Can a person who thinks of this goal remain idle? Is it possible? Everything they do, provided that they observe what is forbidden and permissible, becomes an act of worship. And the more a person lives like this in this world, the more they will fill their bag with good deeds. Their actions will be aligned with this. I am surprised by those who say 'I am tired.' A person with a clear goal never gets tired. There is always a reason to motivate them.”
Two Important Diseases of the Age: Secularism and Egoism
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan made evaluations in the context of a person who prioritizes themselves being unable to succeed in marriage, stating: “The meaning of marriage has changed. From a man's perspective, they reduce it to eroticism. As a result, there is now cohabitation without marriage. And they contrive something like a fake religious marriage ceremony to legitimize it. But women pay the biggest price. There are children, etc… The man doesn't want children, and leaves when they arrive. There are two important diseases of this century: one is secularism, the other is egoism. Because selfishness comes to the fore. It says 'me first'. Someone who says 'I am first' cannot make a marriage work. In marriage, one must remain 'I' but become 'we'. You will not make yourself a doormat. You will preserve your own identity and personality, but you will become 'we' while remaining 'I'. This applies to both women and men. We have lost this in marriage. They say to marriage; 'Either you will conform to my conditions and rules, or this marriage will not work.' The other party wants a master-slave relationship. Both women and men can do this. A master-slave relationship then does not work. Women today are not like women 50-100 years ago. In earlier times, in male-female relationships, the one with superior physical power dictated terms. Since physical and economic power resided with men, women endured marriage while being oppressed. It went in a 'obey and be at ease' manner. But now the women's liberation movement has begun.”
“I no longer say 'housewife', but 'home worker'”
Tarhan, stating that housework is the most exhausting service, said: “Currently, studies in America on 'Where is a woman's comfort, especially at the point reached?' suggest that a woman's comfort lies in being the mother of her children, the lady of her home, but also having her own bank account. That's why I no longer say 'housewife'. I say 'home worker'. Working 24/7 means children and housework, which is the most exhausting service. How can we belittle it by calling her a housewife? She is a home worker. Her rights must be granted. In fact, a home worker with children should be automatically insured. Currently, it is necessary to protect the population. The population has rapidly started to decline. It fell below 2. In 20-30 years, we will be like Germany. The strength currently driving Germany and Northern Europe comes from external workers. Workers coming from the East, they are driving it. The working population is the real power. The others are very lazy. People living in Germany close their shops at 5 o'clock. You'd be surprised. It's the same in England and elsewhere. India, Pakistan, they are entirely carrying the burden. Therefore, without work, the wheels won't turn. The working population will eventually dominate it.”
“A Society Without Families is Currently the Policy of Global Capital”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan mentioned that family fragility has also increased in Turkey. Tarhan stated: “At the current point reached by modernism, family fragility has increased in Turkey as well. The measure of household fragility is this: 5-person households are declining while 1-person households are increasing. There are statistics from the last 20-30 years in Turkey. I saw those statistics. The graph shows a rapid flow towards 1-person households. 5-person households are shifting downwards. 5-person households are decreasing, and 1-person households are increasing. A 1-person household is also a home. Switzerland reportedly has over a thousand shelter homes. Turkey currently doesn't even have 20-30. If we continue like this, in 20-30 years, their population will be 10 million, about that much. This means we will soon have to build a shelter home in every neighborhood. What does this mean? It means the end and exhaustion of marriage. In single-person households, for example, in Switzerland and France, the out-of-wedlock birth rate is over 50%. For instance, in France, they no longer register 'mother' and 'father' in population records; they register 'parent 1' and 'parent 2', because anyway, even if the parents are known, children are born out of wedlock. For this reason, they are registered as parent 1 and parent 2. This signifies a society without families in 20-30 years, and this is currently the policy of global capital. It promotes genderlessness as a doctrine to reduce the world population.”
“Young people are seeking libertarianism and inquisitiveness”
Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of understanding the language of young people, said: “Children's most serious thing is toys. For example, TRT Okul does a lot of great work with its excellent cartoons for children, but it's necessary to speak the same language as young people. Young people currently don't particularly like heroism, world-conquering films. Young people are seeking libertarianism and inquisitiveness. It's necessary to choose appropriate fields and topics for them. It's necessary to grasp the language they understand. For example, Abdülhamid was a great sultan, even a genius, but he couldn't speak the same language as young people, and young people overthrew him. Therefore, young people do not understand threats, intimidation, or suppression. Young people want to express themselves more freely through appreciation, praise, events, and kind words. When we approach them with intimidation, we lose a young person in a family, or a young person in leadership; therefore, this is a universal feeling.”
“We need to rebuild the needs of this era”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, making evaluations about the necessity of preserving cultural truths that have existed for centuries, stated: “It is such a time that both good examples and bad examples will multiply. Whichever we champion will increase. We need to protect our cultural truths that have existed for centuries. We need to rebuild the needs of this era. For this reason, family is important; is raising a good child less important than establishing a good factory? You have a factory, but you have no child, after you die, the heirs are gone. What good is it? To raise good children, a good family is needed. Healthy children cannot be raised where there is no good family. It is not possible. Because what does a child take as an example while growing up? The mother, the father, and their relationship. If there is no relationship at home, for example, there are open marriages in the USA. Both partners are married, and both have lovers. What happens? It doesn't work out later. It's not possible. What happens to the child this time? After the age of 18, a type of child emerges who also does not marry. The current trend in many developed countries is progressing in that direction, statistics show this. For this reason, protecting the institution of marriage has already been specifically emphasized in our constitution. That is, if we do not protect it, our future generations, our grandchildren, will say shame on us. This is not short-term. Protecting the family is a medium- and long-term matter. Therefore, it is necessary to think medium- and long-term. When you think short-term, we say, 'the family exists anyway.' But in twenty, thirty, forty years, we will become single-person households, and in such a situation, healthy children will not be raised.”
“Marriage is not a state, but a process and a journey”
Tarhan, emphasizing that the meaning of marriage is a journey for two, said: “Generally, women are biologically a step ahead of men in terms of sacrifice and empathy. Their being ahead leads to the woman being a doormat, and the man taking the easy way out, thinking 'my wife will do it anyway'. But if the woman also works and has to go to work the next day, it is a human right for the man to help in such a situation. Otherwise, it is oppression here. Therefore, the meaning of marriage is a journey for two. Our ancestors did not call marriage 'eş' (spouse), what is the term 'eş'? Like a plug and socket. No, they called it 'refika'. Refik, refika. What is refika means? It means travel companion. If you are embarking on a life journey together, marriage is not a state, it is a process and a journey. You want to go towards an eternal happiness and life together, you have set out together, sometimes there are arguments between you, there are 'boatman quarrels'. What are 'boatman quarrels'? They shout and yell today, and unite the next day. It's like a sibling quarrel. So these things happen in marriage, storms happen from time to time, but love in marriage is not a cause, but a result. If there is love plus good cooperation, it equals love. So in marriage, is there a better refuge than a happy marriage? You work outside, you get tired, you come home, you stretch your legs, there's a conversation, a sharing, a warm atmosphere – this is a great reason for gratitude. To ensure this, you need to invest in marriage; it doesn't happen on its own.”
“If a parent is a good example, they influence the child through their actions”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan spoke about the need to question prejudices at home. Tarhan said: “I recommend a mirror to everyone. What does a mirror do? When we look at our faces, it shows our pros and cons. That's why companies currently find independent auditors, because independent auditors are found to look at our flaws with an outside eye and report them to us. That is, in marriage, a person should also acquire critical friends for themselves. A mirror means confrontation. So if a parent says 'I am very good, I am perfect,' then alas! After a while, a person who says 'I am perfect' develops narcissistic blindness. Narcissistic blindness is also called cognitive blindness, mental blindness. There's a needle on the table, you say it's not there, you search and can't find it. You have a prejudice that it's not there, so you don't see it because you don't look. You don't see what's in front of your eyes; this is prejudice. We need to question our prejudices at home. To raise children, we certainly had the chance of extended families before. Grandmothers from both sides used to say, 'Look, don't do that, my girl.' Such people no longer exist. There are no good examples of grandmothers in families. That's why they will seek expert help. How to be a good spouse, how to be a good father, how to be a good mother? They should read and develop themselves. If a parent is a good model, a good example, they influence the child through their actions.”
“What the child does is not important, but how we react to them is important”
Tarhan, speaking about how 60-70% of the nutrients taken into the body go to the brain in children, said: “There are two periods in human life. The human brain is blooming, producing excessive synapses. Just as nature blooms and turns green in a few weeks in spring, in the brain, it was 0-5 years, but now it's narrowed down to 0-3 years. 60-70% of the nutrients entering the body go to the child's brain. That brain develops in such a way that it is shaped by the behaviors of the environment at that moment. Fibers in the brain are cut, pruned. This also happens during adolescence. It is during these periods that children observe their parents. How they smile, how they move, how they behave; they record these like a video. For example, in such situations, a child's teeth grinding, or a child's selfish behavior, are natural behaviors for that age. Here, what the child does is not important; how we react to them is important. If our reaction is wrong, if you establish a relationship with them over the problem, saying 'you ground your teeth - you didn't grind your teeth, you clenched your teeth - you didn't clench your teeth,' the child will start exhibiting that problem more often in communication with you. For example, if you know this, there is no need for an expert. But if you make 'you clenched your teeth - you didn't clench your teeth' a form of communication with the child, that child will learn it because the relationship is problem-focused. They will learn to talk and relate through problems. However, if the child is clenching their teeth at that moment, they definitely have an excessive desire. They might be thinking they are being inhibited, but it happens and then passes. Children have the right to make mistakes. Sometimes, because small mistakes are not prevented when they are young, fires start with a small spark, and small mistakes can later become a big problem. Therefore, in such a situation, it is always beneficial to look with a third eye and seek counseling services. Accessing information is easy now; accessing correct information is difficult.”