Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, Founding Rector of Üsküdar Üniversitesi, met with professional experts at the “Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan with Family Counseling” training program, organized online by the Lifelong Education Center. Tarhan emphasized that the word 'narcissist' has become widespread like the word 'stress', and mentioned that the unseen should be found in counseling services. Tarhan pointed out that if a method is found for problems in marriage, many problems can be easily solved, and stated that problems in the family should first be measured. He underlined that there should be a horizontal relationship where there is counseling, and also drew attention to the fact that the biggest cause of crises is a lack of norms.
The program was attended by family counselors, clinical psychologists, psychologists, sociologists, and child development specialists.
“The biggest cause of crises is a lack of norms”
Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of family counseling and drawing attention to the need to break down interdisciplinary walls, said: “Family counseling is too important to be solely in the hands of psychiatry specialists and psychologists. Family counseling is a multidisciplinary and multifactorial field. There's something always said about 21st-century skills: 'Break down interdisciplinary walls.' In other words, we should no longer say, 'This is my field, I know this, these are my truths.' After quantum physics, it was understood that interdisciplinary walls are artificial walls. Sciences are a whole. Religious sciences and natural sciences are also the same. There is no disciplinary difference between them. The integrity of sciences is at stake. If we don't develop any norms in this regard, the issue becomes unregulated. Indeed, the biggest cause of crises is a lack of norms. In other words, the absence of written rules and the failure to process procedures after rules are established creates problems. We experienced a living example of this in Bolu. It's unacceptable. For this to happen is completely business blindness,” he stated.
“Values are like road signs in traffic”
Tarhan, making evaluations to the participants about the importance of value judgments, said: “In the principles of family counseling, evidence-based methods should be applied. Evidence-based methods have three pillars. The first pillar is what is identified through clinical observation, the second pillar is scientific studies related to it, and the third pillar is individuals' value judgments and cultural standards. Decisions should be made by combining these three. There are ten universal value judgments related to family. Values are like road signs in traffic. Traffic signs are not for themselves; they are there to guide others. The purpose of a traffic sign is to be a guide for the person, to show the way. It is to help them reach their destination. When we look at the human brain's working system, when making a decision on a matter, it scans the past and investigates threats. In such situations, when making a decision, past stereotypes are taken as reference. Prejudices are shortcuts formed in the brain. They enable quick decision-making. After doing these, it makes future projections and decides. The brain has such a working system,” he explained.
“Where there is counseling, there will be a horizontal relationship”
Tarhan, emphasizing the importance of horizontal relationships in family counseling, said: “There are scales related to family experiences. With these scales, we determined value judgments. By doing this, we identify a person's stereotypical thoughts. When you say, 'This thought pattern is leading you here. You need to change this sign on your life path,' many problems improve. Universally, it's called 'conferring'. This is one of these value judgments. The word 'conference' also comes from there. Family counselors will be conferring, not consultants. There is two-way communication, not one-way. The authoritarian style of family counseling is a vertical relationship. Where there is a vertical relationship, there is no counseling. Where there is counseling, there will be a horizontal relationship. We will try to understand them. After trying to understand and asking questions, your work in family counseling becomes easier. For this, being an active listener is very important. That is, taking notes of what the person says, taking it seriously. In fact, a hidden contract is signed when receiving counseling services. When you talk about these, a relationship of trust develops. The situation we call a therapeutic alliance is formed. After that trust relationship is established, they need the knowledge set of the counselor,” he said.
They never see themselves, always attribute it to external causes…
Tarhan, drawing attention to the characteristics of a narcissistic person, said: “The word 'narcissist' has become widespread like the word 'stress'. A typical characteristic of a narcissist is intolerance to criticism. If a person is intolerant to criticism, they have a narcissistic potential. We all have a narcissistic trait within us, but someone who sees criticism as a gift is controlling their narcissism. For example, when narcissistic individuals start talking, they always blame the other person. They cannot self-criticize. In other words, they can never turn the camera on themselves. They cannot question themselves. They always tend to attribute things to external causes. They tend to see themselves as superior…” he stated.
“First, we will measure the problems in the family…”
Tarhan, stating that the unseen should be found in counseling services, said: “We cannot manage what we do not measure. First, we will measure the problems in the family. For example, there are internationally recognized scales, which we call Gottman scales. We have currently developed and published a scale related to spiritual values within the family. When you apply these scales, problems within the family are resolved. People become aware of wrong thought patterns and try to generate alternative thoughts. When a person sees the questions while filling out the family assessment scale, they say, 'I already wanted to ask these questions,' and awareness develops. In other words, filling out the scale is not just about measuring, but you also capture the point where the person feels but cannot express themselves. So, in counseling services, the essential thing is not to see the visible, but to find and identify the invisible, and then continue the topic based on that,” he explained.
“Marrying without marital maturity is very dangerous”
Tarhan, addressing the importance of achieving marital maturity, said: “Love is not a cause in marriage, but a result. In other words, 'Love + Cooperation = Lifelong Love' emerges. If you can't establish cooperation, love as much as you want. They fall in love, get married, and divorce after 6 months. What we understand by love here is important because love is variable and requires investment. Young people do not know about marital maturity. Marrying without marital maturity is very dangerous. It is more dangerous than driving without a license. Marriage is a long journey. If they embark on this journey consciously, they can overcome crises. The best way to deal with crises is to be prepared for them. If prepared, they can prevent them. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage. We say keep them half-open after marriage. In other words, if you keep them wide open after marriage, you won't be comfortable. Because there is no perfect person, nobody is perfect,” he said.
There are two types of coalition in the family…
Tarhan, stating that horizontal coalitions should be established instead of vertical ones, said: “There are two types of coalition in the family. One is a horizontal coalition, the other is a vertical coalition. In a horizontal coalition, parents form a coalition among themselves. Children form coalitions among themselves. And also, coalitions are formed by the elders of the family, such as father-in-law and mother-in-law. If a horizontal coalition is established in the family, and the parents are mature, problems can be solved. In other words, husband and wife should solve their problems between themselves. Let's establish a horizontal coalition, not a vertical one…” he stated.
“If a method is found, many problems are easily solved”
Tarhan, drawing attention to the fact that male and female brains work differently during a problem, said: “During a problem, the female brain and the male brain work differently. The male brain is result-oriented. It withdraws into its mental bunker. It tries to solve the problem, and after generating a solution, it emerges from there. During a problem, the female brain works process-oriented, not result-oriented. It tries to relieve itself by sharing. It feels the need to overcome its loneliness. If both are anxious, then conflict arises. In such situations, if one person is anxious, the other side should say positive things to alleviate their anxiety. They should listen to them. They should make them feel valued. For example, when they shout, 'You are shouting a lot right now. This upsets me a lot. What you're doing right now is very wrong. I am silent for the future of our marriage, but I am noting this down,' and change the environment. They will not answer at all. In such a situation, a feeling of guilt arises in the other party. The door to self-criticism opens. Be sure that the majority of problems in marriage occur because the problem-solving method is unknown. If a problem-solving method is found, many problems are easily solved,” he explained.
“Someone who doesn't love their profession cannot provide counseling services”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan underlined that one should manage their work like an orchestra, stating that there would be no professional fatigue if managed that way. Tarhan said: “Professional fatigue in family counselors usually arises because they cannot think categorically. For example, we meet with a person, we listen to many boring stories, we listen to troubles. After listening to them, you then move on to another person. It is necessary to categorize, define, and put aside the information from there. If you don't do this and always keep it in your short-term memory, for example, you continue to the next session. If events are passing before your eyes like a film strip there, and you can't focus, perhaps thinking 'I wish I had done this,' then your professional competence is weak. This is dangerous, you cannot do it. In other words, if you sit and cry with your client as a therapist, you cannot do it. This time, you buy their trouble by paying a mental cost. We need to manage our work like an orchestra. Doing it this way prevents professional fatigue. Also, when one's work becomes routine, people get tired. Whereas every person is a separate case. It is a separate phenomenon in such situations. So, one should be able to learn things to be useful to people. Someone who doesn't love their profession cannot provide counseling services,” he said.