Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that dominant parental attitudes can bring negative effects on a child's development, adding that a particularly dominant mother model can lead to self-confidence development problems in children. Tarhan noted that dominant mothers give their children love for two or three people, stating that this situation harms the child and that love should be given appropriately and fairly. Drawing attention to the child becoming dependent on the mother in a dominant relationship, Tarhan warned, “These children grow up with a need for approval. In the future, they feel the need to consult their mother in all their decisions.”
Üsküdar Üniversitesi Founding Rector, Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan, made evaluations regarding dominant parental characteristics and their effects on child development during the “Evlilik Okulu” (Marriage School) program broadcast on Akra FM.
Dominant Attitudes Affect Family Balance
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan pointed out the importance of spouses and family members maintaining a balanced attitude in their criticisms of each other. Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that in some families, the mother can be more critical towards the father, and this situation can particularly affect children, stating, “In such cases, the mother usually relates to her spouse through his flaws. Not with bad intentions, but there can be a mother model who, while wanting to correct or trying to correct, breaks her spouse's self-confidence, devalues him, hurts his spirit, but does so for his own good. In such situations, the father needs to take leadership and provide balance.”
Children Emulate Three Things in the Family
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that such situations in the family can negatively affect children, saying, “A child emulates three things in the family. They emulate the mother, the father, and their relationship. In such situations, there is an oppressed father and a dominant mother. In such a relationship, there is a dominant and controlling mother model. These types of mothers are also controlling over the child. The child goes to the toilet, and she asks, 'What are you doing?' She wants to control the child to that extent. Children growing up in such an environment grow up with the feeling 'I cannot be my own captain, I cannot achieve anything' and remain dependent on their mother.”
Children Dependent on Their Mother Have Low Self-Confidence
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that the child also enjoys remaining dependent on the mother, stating, “These types of children ask their mother everything, they need everything to be approved. The children of these mothers ask their mother, get approval, and then act. Even when they get married, they call their mother; this happens with boys as much as with girls. They ask their mother, 'Mom, what should I do?' because they are not independent, their sense of autonomy does not develop. Such children become passive, have low self-confidence, and are children who are managed.”
These Children Fear Innovation
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that these types of children are not children of this era, saying, “With this type of approach, they are losing the children of this era. What does this era have? A sense of autonomy, entrepreneurship. In such a situation, there is innovation. Children raised this way fear innovation, they fear marriage. They often sleep with their mother.”
Love Must Also Be Given Appropriately and Fairly
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan emphasized that in these situations, the mother approaches with good intentions but this attitude harms the child, stating, “A mother gives her child love for two people, but this also harms the child. Just as giving too much water to a flower makes it rot, too much love also spoils. Love must be fair, appropriate, and timely. Here, the mother cannot manage love.”
Popular Culture is Now Raising Children
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that children grew up in a more social environment in the past, learning culture and values from the extended family, neighborhood, and school, beyond the nuclear family, saying, “In the past, culture was transferred to the child in these environments. But now, because social media, not parents, transmits values and culture, children know and learn everything. Children are aware of everything. Previously, children were raised with our culture and values, but now popular culture is raising them. Hollywood culture currently seems like a culture trying to establish its own truths in the world. From this perspective, social media is a risky situation. Therefore, children of dominant mothers feel both love and anger towards their mothers. Generally, these children want to finish high school and go to university elsewhere. They don't want to disrespect their mother, but they are also leaving. The way to leave without hurting them is to study. There is no chance to change the mother or father.”
Children Who Don't Ask Questions Are Growing Up
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that social phobia emerges in these children, stating, “They have low self-confidence. They cannot enter society, they think everyone in a crowd is looking at them. They are generally timid, shy, and passive. In past years, an educator visited Turkey. He visited a state school that provided very high-quality education. He noticed that some students did not ask questions. He criticized, 'These students never ask questions. They don't ask the teacher questions, they don't object.' However, a student should ask and question because this is the style of learning in this era, and you need to ask to learn. After information and data come, you will criticize it. You will approach it critically, you will approach it like a third person. You will see its pros and cons.”
Children Learn by Imitation and Repetition
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that a person who does not know critical thinking cannot analyze either themselves or events, stating, “Children learn by imitation and repetition. After growing up, a child needs to be open to new experiences. In dominant mother models, the child is closed off from new experiences. The child grows up in a sterile environment, but when they encounter social media, they begin to perceive the world.”
Unhappy Children at Home Become Social Media Addicts
Tarhan stated that social media contains toxic information, saying, “This toxic information may not be suitable for the child's age. Children with social media addiction cannot be happy in their homes. If they are happy at home, they don't seek social media. 90% of children with social media addiction do not have peace in their homes. If they have a smartphone, they are comfortable there. But if there is peace, conversation, and warmth in their home, why would this child stay there for hours? Raising a child in this era is not just about feeding and educating. It is necessary to provide warmth at home.”
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that mothers need to change their attitudes in such situations, stating, “Sometimes fathers in this situation may be thinking 'obey and be comfortable' against the mother's dominant identity and do not think about their children. In such cases, we teach children the skill of saying no. For example, if a child comes to us with a complaint of fear at 8-10 years old, we work with the mother and father. If the mother and father are well-intentioned, they change immediately. If the mother and father have such high narcissism that they cannot change, they don't. We can encounter mothers who object, saying, 'You cannot change me.'”
It Should Be Said That Using Love Like a Stick Is Wrong
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that they also work on assertive behavior for self-confidence, stating, “We are working on saying no. When someone breaks their self-confidence, for example, they will tell their mother, 'Mom, what you did is wrong for these reasons. I love you, but this action is not right.' The mother usually says 'You don't love me' when the child objects and uses love like a stick. Here, the child will learn to tell the mother, 'I love you, but this action is wrong.'”
Stubbornness is the Biggest Characteristic of Narcissism
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan stated that in narcissism, a person is stubborn and unchanging, saying, “Obsessives and narcissists are stubborn. Stubbornness is the biggest characteristic of narcissism. In old terminology, it is referred to as rigidity of thought. It has nothing to do with age; it has to do with personality structure. It is a personality trait present in all of us. The biggest narcissists are children. A child thinks the world revolves around them. As they grow up, they invest their love in their surroundings. In humanity, the universe, and the Creator. If they distribute their love investment in a balanced way, they manage it in a balanced way. In converting from metaphorical love to divine love and in education, training the ego is important. Narcissism is nothing but ego discipline. Love investment should be directed towards the right object. In our culture, love investment is currently directed towards secular values such as fame, money, and property.”
The Negative Parts of the Ego Can Be Controlled
Tarhan noted that narcissistic individuals are also very perfectionistic and work very hard, saying, “They are afraid of failure. A narcissistic person thinks success-oriented. Capitalist culture also teaches this. We have become very good capitalists now. Anyone who says 'I am not a narcissist' is lying. The negative parts of the ego are within us. It lives and is alive until death. However, it cannot be destroyed, it can be controlled. Like a wild horse. You tame a wild horse, and it carries you.”
It Is Important for a Person to Know Themselves Correctly
Tarhan emphasized that a person should examine their strengths and weaknesses well and know themselves, stating, “A person who does not examine their weaknesses cannot self-criticize. This is mental blindness. People ask Hz. Aisha, 'Who are among the good and who are among the bad?' She says, 'Whoever sees themselves as good is among the bad. Whoever knows themselves as bad is among the good.' Therefore, who is good and who is bad is understood at the last breath. A narcissist says, 'I am mature, I have become perfect.'”
Children Raised Like Rulers Make Mistakes in the Future
Prof. Dr. Nevzat Tarhan noted that erroneous parental attitudes cause children to make mistaken behaviors in their future lives, stating, “The Hadith says, 'Adolescence is a branch of madness.' What does this mean? Some schools of psychology consider adolescence, the period lasting until 18-19 years of age, as a schizophrenic period. During that period, the child acts like a schizophrenic. If a 40-year-old made the mistakes made in adolescence, they would be diagnosed as ill. Sometimes if the adolescence period exceeds 18-20 years, it is called prolonged adolescence. In prolonged adolescence, the child gets married, flees responsibility. Later, they don't care for their home or children. They go out with friends. Such types are in prolonged adolescence. As children, everything they said was done. This happens frequently with children raised like rulers. This mistake is often made with boys. They are raised specially, like princes. Girls are raised like princesses. There is no lack of self-confidence, but there is excess and deficiency (hyperbole/negligence). They also exhibit irresponsibility and insatiability. They are not satisfied with love. Since they received love for two or three people from childhood, they expect it from everyone, and when they don't get it, they experience disappointment.”